Reinvent love | Ryden | ENG

33

Ryan pov

New Year's Eve.
Another day when people get together and celebrate together.
How I hate this day.
And people.

I'm just sitting with a book of poetry in my hand when I hear a knock on the door. I put the book aside and get up. As I walk to the door I pray that it's not Elizabeth, trying to drag me somewhere again. I open the door and...
- Ryan! - With a confident stride she walks into the hallway.
Thanks, but this isn't what I asked you for, God.
- Z, you know very well I don't feel like going anywhere. - I announce from the front door and go back into the living room.
- You're just saying that... - Berg waves his hand absentmindedly. - But deep down you'd like to meet Brendon tonight, wouldn't you? - she stares at me. - And it just so happens that I have a special invitation to tonight's party at Possessed.... - she continues without waiting for my answer.
- That's great. - I interrupt her. - You guys are sure to have a great time with Nick.
- Oh Ryan, come on. I promise, I won't take you out again, but agree to come with us tonight. - she asks, making her famous puppy face.
- All right, then. - I give in. - Give me a moment. - I add and disappear upstairs.
I pull "more elegant" pants from the closet, one of the shirts Tony Berg made me buy before the tour, and matching jewelry, you know, my favorite set of large rings and a chain with a moon chain. Dressed up, I comb my hair and walk down to Elizabeth.
- Well how nice Ryan you look! - Z enthuses. - Now come on, Nick is waiting for us! - she drags me to the exit.
I quickly put on my coat and grab my phone, documents, wallet and keys. We walk out.

- - -

We arrive at the place by Uber. Before entering the bar we are checked by Zack Hall. Inside we leave our outer garments in the checkroom. Z and Nick lead us to a box with a good view of the stage. There are lots of dressed up people everywhere. A little after 8 PM Brendon comes out on stage and greets everyone.
- I am happy to be celebrating this evening in such good company. This is an extremely important event for me because in addition to welcoming the New Year in less than four hours, today I opened this amazing place that is Possessed. Thank you again for being here. I hope you have a great time tonight. - He says, and his appearance is breathtaking. He is even more handsome than the last time I saw him. - I would just like to add that we have a special guest from Europe today who will be performing for you very soon. And now give a warm welcome to my good friend, Dillon Francis!
Francis comes out on stage. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Zack and Jake Chams carefully documenting the entire event.
- Do you have fun, Ryan? - Z asks, leaning closer to me.
- It's okay. - I answer and focus on Dillon's performance and the non-alcoholic drink I just got so I don't have to think about how many people are here and panic.

- - -

During the party, Z and Nick disappear from my sight between people dancing. I'm bored alone at the table, so I decide to find them. As soon as I find myself among the others, I feel uncomfortable. I am annoyed by people nudging me inadvertently. I look around for Berg and Hinman, but I don't spot them anywhere. On top of that, some random guy almost pours beer on me. I decide to leave. I turn toward the stage, because I think that's where you go to the locker room. I move slowly because almost all the lights are dim. Only a single spotlight illuminates the performer. If it's the musician Brendon introduced as a special guest, it's Dotan. He is currently singing a song from his album "Satellites", specifically "Numb". I identify with the lyrics.
'I've been lost inside a million eyes
They don't see me, they don't know what it's like'
I go through the crowd of people to get out as quickly as possible. My breathing is quickened, intrusive negative thoughts pop up in my head. I don't feel good at times like this.
I try to think about Brendon... I've seen him a few times today from a distance, but I don't dare to approach.
'I can see you but I can't touch, can't touch 'cause I feel numb'
I wanted to create something more with him, but it didn't work out. If I could turn back time and fix my mistakes...
'All I wanted was a real love
But I feel numb'
Suddenly I bump into someone.
I turn around and notice the familiar whisky colored eyes and disheveled fringe.
- Brendon - I whisper.
Dotan just starts singing 'No Words'. It fits this moment so perfectly. We stand there in silence staring at each other. I think about what happened between us. Too many secrets. Too many lies.
'Words hurt the most
When there's no meaning'
- Ryan, I... - B's starting.
- Don't say anything. - I put my finger to his lips. - Let the music say it.¹
Silence falls again. I withdraw my hand.
- I feel that I have let you down... You have lost faith in me, haven't you? - I ask, but B only points towards the mini-stage with a movement of his head.
- And now I will sing another song, "Bleeding"! - Dotan announces and continues her performance.
- I love you... Even when you broke my heart, I still want you... ² - Bden sings along with him, looking deeply into my eyes.
I don't think about it anymore. I grab him around the waist and pull him closer to me. I kiss him long and passionately.
- Brendon, can I take you for a moment? - Kala interrupts us.
- Sure, I am coming. - He answers her and then looks at me again. - I will find you soon! - he says and disappears into the crowd.
I head for the bar and order a glass of water. I need to cool down for a while, to work out what I want to say to him.
I sit back and watch the show. I calm down, because I don't want to leave now. I want to see Brendon again.

- - -

I got home before midnight. Brendon said he would find me in a while, but he didn't come back for another hour. I tried to have a good time at the party, but I found out that I hate being in the middle of a crowd of strangers more.
I take off my coat and shoes and walk into the living room. Elwood and Dottie are already asleep, so I'll be spending this evening alone.
As I always do.
I don't care at all.
After all, I am antisocial.
I walk over to the radio standing on the dresser and turn it on. The speaker announces that there's still five minutes until New Year's, and then plays a song.
"I'm reaching out like a satellite
I lost myself into the night
Chasing sorry with goodbye
Why do good things die"³
It's Dotan again. This time "There Will Be A Way".
Something about his songs fits me perfectly and even haunts me today.
"Underneath the cold
Underneath the rain
There will be a way
There will be a way
There will be a way
Just another storm
Just another flame
That will be the day"⁴
I hear a knock on the door. I walk up, open it and can't believe my eyes.
Brendon in a black coat is standing in front of me all covered in snow.
- Hey Ryan, can I come in? - He asks, shaking the snow off his shoulders.
- Aren't you supposed to be at Possessed? - I answer with a question to his question.
- Maybe I am, but I didn't want to miss the New Year's kiss. - He counters and, without waiting for my reaction, pulls me in and kisses me.
At the same moment, the sky flashes a thousand colors.
He made it.
He kissed me at midnight.
I grab him around the waist and return the kiss.
I have missed him so much.
The white fluff starts to fall even more, so that I  have snowflakes in my hair too. How I hate snow. Although... Tonight is a real miracle, as this much snow hasn't been here in a long time.
- Why don't we go inside? - I suggest, and Brendon agrees.
Shortly after crossing the threshold, he pulls on his snowy coat and boots to keep me from getting further muddy on the floor. I watch him comb through his always perfect hair, then turn to me with a smile.
- I know there's been a lot going on and a lot that's still to talk, but that can wait. - He says quickly and kisses me again.
I quickly catch on to what he means. Without breaking the kiss, I head to bed with Urie.
- "No more war, no more clothes!" - he hums part of "Hurricane" pulling my shirt off me.
We fall back onto the soft sheets, shedding more clothes.
- I love you, Ryan - he whispers in my ear and places a kiss right behind me.
- I love you too, B - I reply and kiss his lips softly.
I feel so happy with him.
Nothing else matters right now.

- - -

I wake up and the first thing I see is Brendon smiling and staring at me.
- Good morning - he says and kisses me tenderly.
I hold him closer to me and look into his beautiful eyes.
- Good morning - I reply and smile even more.
Brendon slides out from under my arm and sits down on the bed.
- I'm going to go make breakfast. Wait here for me. - He gets up and stretches, exposing his naked body to me.
- I'm not going anywhere, baby - I send him a kiss and make myself more comfortable on the pillow.
B leaves for the kitchen and I look around the bedroom. Through the window, with the blinds not fully closed, sun rays of the morning January sun are streaming in, gently illuminating the room. I think about everything that has happened between me and Brendon recently. We're going to have to talk about it, although I'm afraid that conversation might not necessarily go the way I want it to. I love Bden and I want him to be mine forever.
- I'm back! - Urie comes in with a tray that holds a plate of toasted cheese and two mugs of steaming coffee.
He sits down on the edge of the bed next to me.
- Thank you. You're the best - I kiss his cheek and take one of the toasts.
We eat in silence, smiling at each other.
- Ryan, I'm sorry for my behavior, let me explain myself... - Brendon starts the topic.
- B, I have a lot to tell you too... - I say.
- I know - he interrupts me. - So why don't we start at the beginning?

- - -
¹ Paraphrase of lyrics from Dotan's song 'No Words':
'No words, silence
I just let the music speak
Frozen, quiet
(...)
It's like you've lost your faith in me'

² Excerpt from Dotan's song 'Bleeding'

³ Part of Dotan's song 'There Will Be A Way'

⁴ another excerpt from Dotan's song 'There Will Be A Way'