Reinvent love | Ryden | ENG

31

Ryan pov

It is a cold December. I'm sitting by the dimming fireplace and I'm thinking about spending another Christmas alone. Yes, Z suggested that I join her, her family and Nick on Christmas Eve, but I don't want to impose and I don't feel like hanging out with the Bergs. I plan to go to my father's grave in Vegas like I do every year, and then... After that, I'll probably go home and cut myself off from people again, like I did right after arriving from the European leg of the Possessed Coast tour.
Elwood comes over to me and puts his head in my lap. Jealous Dottie awkwardly climbs onto the couch and presses her head under my hand.
- My darlings... - I stroke them. - Just the three of us again for Christmas.... - I sigh, and Elwood raises his eyes to me. - No, don't look at me like that. This year too, no presents and no big lavish dishes. - I say and see sadness in his big eyes.
Sometimes I think dogs understand more than people. Or at least they have more empathy, warmth and compassion.
I can hear the radio playing softly in the background. My attention is caught by the lyrics of one of the songs.
"Oh I wonder
Is it over
Can I reach out once again"¹
It reminds me of Brendon. About our breakup. About how many times it didn't work out. And how much I miss him.
"Gone with the dead of night
Can anybody tell me how to make it right
We're drowning in the shadows where we lost the light
That we used to know"²
More memories come back to me, making me feel more alone than usual.
When the song ends, I turn off the radio.
The fire in the fireplace has pretty much gone out, so I gather myself for bed. After a quick shower, I pull on my pajamas and get into bed. The dogs take their places next to me. Snuggled up with them, I feel less alone and very loved. Moments later, I fall asleep.

- - -

On early Christmas Eve morning I hit the road to Vegas. As always during the holiday season, traffic jams are huge, so instead of taking me 4 hours, the road takes me over 6. I stop in front of Palm Memorial Park and get out. I let Dottie and Elwood out of the car and put them on leashes. Then I pull a led reindeer, a candle, and flowers out of the trunk. I lock up my Pontiac and start toward the alley where my father's grave is located. When I am there, I turn on the led reindeer and place it next to the grave. I arrange flowers in a vase and light a candle. Dottie and Elwood watch me carefully. I stand in silence for a moment, hoping that my father is watching me from where he is and will tell me what to do next.
- I know you can hear me, Dad... I need your advice... Do you think I should fight for Brendon's love? Give me a sign... - I whisper.
Suddenly the cloudy sky brightens, and a single snowflake lands on my shoulder.
- That means yes, right? - I look up into the sky.
Another snowflake.
Confident of what I should do and calm in my soul, I say a prayer and walk back to the car with the dogs.
I set out on the return trip. The first song that plays on the radio right after I turn it on is "Northern Downpour". I smile to myself and speed up. Time to fix old mistakes.

- - -

I stop in front of a house I know well. I approach the gate. It's locked. I try to see if maybe Brendon is home. All the lights are out.
- You're looking for Mr. Urie? - a woman who had just arrived at the house asks.
- Yes, do you know if he is home? - I ask.
- Mr. Urie? - She gets out of the car and goes to the trunk to take out the shopping. - He left yesterday. - she answers.
- Thank you. - I reply, and resignedly get into my Pontiac. - This is probably not our lucky day... - I say to the dogs in the back seat and buckle my seat belt.
We're going home.

- - -

Out the window amidst the darkness of night, a lone star shines. On the kitchen table only two place settings, including one for the lone wanderer. Other than that, only borscht, dry bread, and a salad that Elizabeth brought me out of pity. Elwood and Dottie are waiting right beside me, hoping to get some "treat" from the table. I light a candle and say a prayer of thanksgiving. I then "share" the wafer with the dogs. I place in front of Dottie and Elwood their bowls filled with the more expensive food I bought specially for Christmas. I sit down at the table and put some salad on myself. I eat some dry bread and drink some borscht. From the living room come the quiet sounds of a gramophone playing Christmas carols from an old vinyl that my grandfather once owned. I feel nostalgic about the old days when I eagerly awaited Christmas. And when my dad and I would invite Spencer and his family over or spend Christmas at their house... And when I would open presents and enjoy even ordinary, cheap toys because I knew my dad had bought them for me with love.
I feel a single tear run down my face. I wipe it away and smile at Dottie and Elwood. I stroke their heads. All I have now is them and I need to appreciate that more.

- - -
¹ excerpt from the song "Used To Know" by Dotan
² another excerpt from the song "Used To Know" by Dotan