My Sweets

Loss

*** Could be triggering ***

BOBBY

Jessa's sad. There's a sadness ghosted in her eyes. It's a sadness I can't take away. When she does finally smile, it never reaches her eyes. I miss seeing the twinkle there. I feel completely helpless and I don't know how to fix my broken wife.

I watch the rain slowly fall down the window. It's another gray, dreary day. It matches my mood. I'm drinking my cuppa alone in the silence because when I'm upstairs with Jessa, I'm forced to deal with both of our feelings. Right now, I just need to feel my own.

It's been two weeks since our wedding. I know life isn't suppose to be easy, but this isn't the carefree honeymoon stage I was expecting. After returning from Scotland, we learned the devastating news that we were losing the baby. The lab work showed her levels were dropping. I remember when the doctor sat us down and told us. She breezed over it like it was nothing. Reminded us that we're healthy, young and it's common. That it doesn't mean we won't have a successful pregnancy in the future. Her words felt like a sledgehammer to my heart. Everything happened really fast after that.

Then the what if's. The what if's haunt me. If I would have realized Jessa was missing sooner. If I would have found her sooner. Did Lindsey kill my baby? Did it die because of the hypothermia? The doctor couldn't give us an answer. She just told us it was a definite possibility, but there isn't extensive research on it. In Jessa's mind, it's all Lindsey's fault. She is convinced that the stress and shock of hypothermia killed the baby. I agree.

Then telling everyone the baby hadn't made it, was hard to do. Jessa couldn't face it. She isn't handling her emotions, so she couldn't deal with the emotions from others. It fell on me to let everyone know by myself. She has completely shut herself off from everyone. Even her mom. Even Bre. They call me everyday because she's not acknowledging their texts or calls.

How long is the grieving period suppose to last? When does it stop being about grief and start becoming a mental health issue? I asked her the other day if she thought we should go to therapy and she flipped out. She was so insulted by the suggestion. With her past, I know she is prone to mental health struggles, so I'm worried. I expected her to be sad about this, but I never dreamed she would be this bad. I don't know what this is suppose to be like though, so maybe I'm wrong. My gut tells me I'm not though. My gut tells me she needs help.

I can't even deal with my emotions because I'm worrying about her. I think my biggest issue is that all I've ever wanted was to make Jessa smile and now I can't. Nothing makes her smile; not a real true genuine smile. I just miss her. Where I want to hold her tight, she turns away from me to sleep at night. Where I want to cry out our tears together and then kiss hers from her beautiful face, she cries in the shower alone. So I'm left alone and I feel like it's starting to break me. I just want my girl back. I want to love her and feel her love. I have no idea what I'm suppose to be doing. I can't keep doing this though. So today, Junno is coming over to stay for the weekend. He's exactly the person and distraction I need. When I first told Jessa I invited him for the weekend, she just gave me that fake smile with her dull empty eyes.

I hear Jessa running around upstairs and sigh. There's two types of Jessa's right now. One that is numb and cries all the time. The other is fake and goes crazy keeping herself busy. I can tell from the noise that she's faking it. I fix her a cuppa and walk it up to her. I find her in the closet, throwing clothes into piles. I know that her sadness will hit her hard and these clothes will continue laying in these piles, untouched.

She holds up the rehearsal dinner dress. "Should I keep this? I'll never wear it again, so I probably shouldn't keep it. I mean are we really holding onto clothes for sentimental reasons?"