My Sweets

A Broken Goodbye

MAY 17

JESSA

I read off the checklist to make sure Bobby has everything packed.

"All packed and ready to go," he says with a frown.

I don't even have to ask to know what's going on in his head. He doesn't want to leave. He's worried. All he does is worry. It's time for his movie media tour. He should be excited for it. How often do you have a movie coming out? I get that the timing isn't ideal, but he needs to go. I need him to go. Things have been... tense.

I'm tired of being a burden to him. He feels like my caretaker and nothing more. He nags; a lot. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate everything he does for me and I do love him. It's just starting to feel claustrophobic. We bicker all the time. There's no intimacy besides cuddling at night because I need that to sleep. That's obviously my fault. He's respectful of it, but it's starting to affect him.

Physically, I'm doing good. My walking has been more of a challenge than just lack of strength and stamina. It turns out the infection had made it into my muscle, which is making rehabilitation take longer than expected. So I'm still doing physical therapy. The nightmares are finally gone. Otherwise, my mental health is all over the place. I've overcome a lot, but I've created a lot of new problems; mainly those with Bobby. I'm pushing him away.

He sits down next to me. "I wish you could come with me."

"It'll probably do us good to spend time apart." He flinches and I feel bad for causing him pain.

"I'm going to be gone an entire month," he says sadly.

"I know. Have fun." My voice comes out too bright for his somber mood.

He shakes his head and walks off. There are so many unspoken words he's holding inside, I can tell. Oscar whines at my feet and I lift him up onto the bed. Bobby's pissed when he walks back in the room. I stand up to leave so he can stew with his anger alone. He gently grips my arm though and pulls me against his chest. "Jessa, I love you. No matter what, I love you. I wish you weren't so quick to push me out the door."

"Bobby," I sigh. "I love you too. I just... I don't want this to sound bad, so don't take it bad. I just think it'll be good to have some time apart."

"Why?"

"We fight. We fight all the time. All you are is my caregiver."

He flinches again. "Seriously? That's all you think of me? I'm nothing more than your caregiver? I'm your husband!"

"I know. I can't help it that right now you feel more like my caregiver than husband."

"Maybe if you'd let me kiss you..." His words hang in the air as he pales. "Shit. I'm so sorry, Lass. I shouldn't have went there. That was so inappropriate."

"Ok. Kiss me then. If that's what you need then do it."

"Jessa," he says with frustration.

I shrug. "I get it. You're a man and you want sex. You've always loved sex. You're stuck with me so you're not getting any."

"Dammit. It's more than sex. I just want to love you."

"Liar. Admit it. It's bothering you that we're not having sex."

"What do you what me to say?" He pleads with this helplessness in his voice. "That I want to make love to my wife? Of course I do. It's a want, not a need. Now what I do need is to love and hold and kiss you. I want to feel like you love me too." He looks so broken at this words.

"Fine. Let's have sex."

"What? How did you get that from what I said?" His voice is consumed with frustration.