Still in love

halley's comet

A/n: ~sad~(more of an internal monologue?)- (trying a new writing style. I won't do many of these) Billie's pov

Tv was quietly filling the room but nothing was louder than my thoughts. My mind raced, thinking of all the things that could of been or should of been. But no, count on me to mess everything up.

It just sucks. Everything. Everything sucks. I fall in love, I finally let myself fall for someone and they don't love me back. Or that's what I paint in my head. Super clichè. Super lame.

I rolled over to check my phone. 2:34 am. I locked it and looked back at my ceiling. I hear netflix pause, asking if I'm still there. Am I? Is anything real?

I blindly reached for the remote and pressed the okay button for things to resume. Soft whispers continue on my t.v. My phone buzzed and my heart raced. Squinting I look to see a message. I looked closely and it was the person I was thinking about. "Hey." Was all it said.

Before I can comprehend anything I sent a "hey." Back. Bubbles popped up then disappeared. I waited for the message. My breathing pausing as I waited for the text to appear.

She's probably drunk. Probably wants a ride home. Will I go? Yes. Do I know how much it will hurt me? Yes. Do I care? No. Absolutely not. "Are you busy? I need to talk." The message said. I let out a breath. This was new.

"What's up?" I asked. "Can I call you?" She asked. "Yeah." I said. Immediately my phone rang.

"Hi? Are you okay?" I asked barely above a whispered. She sighed. "You know how I was talking to-" I internally groaned. I have to offer advice for something I don't care about. Was I being selfish? Yes. Am I being ridiculous? Also yes. Because how are they suppose to know I'm in love with them if I've never told them?

To be fair I didn't realize I was in love until the other day. A conversation with Finneas made me realize I was in love with one of my best friends. It's honestly worse than heart break or any kind of rejection because you're basically just thinking the worse while simultaneously sabotaging yourself.

"Anyways it's basically over. I don't know why I try so hard on people who don't care about me. Or never will." I frowned. "I'm sorry." I said. She chuckled slightly. "It's whatever. Anyways how are you? I'm sad we couldn't meet for lunch. Are you feeling better? I can come by tomorrow and hang?" She said. I smiled. "Truthfully? No I'm not. But I'm not contagious. I'm just having a tough time". I said. "Oh? Why?" I took a deep breathe. Should I tell her? What could the worse thing that could happen? Rejection. But then again how am I suppose to know unless I tell her.

"Just stressed have a lot on my mind and stuff." I said. "Want to talk about it?" She asked. "I'm afraid of what you'll say." I said. I instantly regretted it. There was a long pause. I could hear my heart beat in my ear and the silence seemed to grow louder.

"Is it about me?" She asked. "Yes." My heart rate quickened. "Did I do something wrong?" She asked. "No. You're perfect." I whispered. "I'm confused then." She said. I could see her face. Her perfect confused little face. Oh how I just want to kiss where her eyebrows furrowed until she smiled.

"I'm afraid I'm gonna loose you." I said. "I'm afraid I'm gonna ruin-" I stopped. "Billie just tell me-" she said. I swallowed and closed my eyes. "I'm in love with you." I said. Silence. I stopped breathing. "I- I-" she stuttered. I sighed. "I shouldn't of said anything I'm sorry. Let just forget about it- I'm sorry." I said. She tired to speak. "I knew I was gonna ruined everything. I knew it was silly to fall in love with you. I just lost my best friend-" "Billie!" She said. I stopped talking. "You didn't loose me-" she whispered. "I just- in shock really." She said. "I'm in love with you too."

And that's when I woke up. Sweat dripping down my body. Tv was still playing quietly. I reached for my phone. I asleep for a good two hours. It was 4 am. I scrolled through Instagram, stopping at a post of the girl I was in love with wrapped in her boyfriends arms. Oh how I wish that was me. I quickly closed the app and rolled over to face the wall.

All the rants and all the heartbreak associated with that person that she claimed to love made me fall for her more. Because my sick brain made me feel like I'm the one for her. Like I'm made for her. I truly feel like I was made for her and she was made for me. Like I was made to love her. I was made to make her feel special. I could never tell her.

It was so easy in my dream. I seem to come around easier. It's easier for me to break down my walls and be honest because it'll never be real. I can make up happy endings. I'll never hear those words from her and I'm afraid she'll never hear those words from me.

Tears streamed down my face. Before I know it I'm silently sobbing. My phone vibrated from under my pillow. I ignored it and continued to let sobs shake my body. This is how my nights always end. Me completely shattered. What am I to do?