Still in love

please stay

T.W. Drug use.

I swayed through the packed house. Eyes closed. Hands out. Weed. Pills. And alcohol coursed through my bloodstream. I found a dark room, music was blaring. Guess I found the living room.

I swayed to the music. My high was the best it's been in a while. A cup was handed to me. I tipped it back and emptied it. "I'm about to roll, do you want to join?" A voice asked. "Yeah." I said following the outline of the man. We entered a room and I sat on the bed. "How's your girlfriend?" He asked. I looked to see my best friend standing at his dresser. "She's amazing." I smiled. "She comes home tomorrow?" He asked. "No. Next Friday." I said. "You said that last week." He said. I laughed. "Oops." I said. He handed me the blunt and lit it.

I felt my phone buzzing. I passed him the blunt and reached to grab it. I looked to see 5 missed calls from Billie. "Oh shit-" I said. "What's wrong?" He asked. "Billie-" I said. I opened the door to his balcony and pressed call. She answered immediately. "Bitch. Come open the door so I can kiss you." She said. "I'm not home-" I said. "What?" She asked. "I'm at Chris'." I said. "Do you want me to come get you?" She asked. "Yeah. Baby I'm sorry. I got my weeks mixed up." I said. "I'm on my way. Send me your location." She said. I heard the door open. "Billie is coming to get me." I said. "So she did come home today you asshole." He said passing the blunt to me. "She's gonna be mad." I said. "I'm gonna go sit by the pool." I said. He nodded.

—
I'm not sure how long it has been. Two minutes? Two hours? Two weeks?" I sat watching the pool light change colors. "Y/n?" I heard Billies voice ask. I looked behind me. "Hi." I said. She smiled softly. "Come. Let's get you home." she said pulling me up. "I'm sorry. I know you're mad." I said. "We're not talking about this tonight." She said as walked around the house to her car.

She started to drive in silence. She was pissed. I didn't have to be sober to know that. "Thanks for coming to get me." I said. She sighed. "Gotta make sure your ass is safe." She said. I let silence fall once again.

As we pulled up to my apartment she didn't turn her car off. "Aren't you coming in?" I asked. "No. I'm gonna go home. I'll see you tomorrow." She said. "Baby please stay with me." I pleaded. She turned her car off. We got out and I stumbled up to the door. I pulled out my keys and pushed the door opened. Billie closed and locked the door. I made my way to the bathroom. "I'm gonna shower quickly." I said. She shrugged and climbed into bed.

I showered as fast as I could without falling. I wrapped my hair in a towel and I tip toed to find clothes. I quickly changed and brushed my hair and teeth. Makeup was smeared and I quickly took it off. My high was now coming down and all I wanted was to crash.

I climbed into bed. It was 4 am. I wasn't sure if Billie was asleep or not. I softly pressed a kiss to her temple. "Goodnight my love." I whispered. I was instantly out as my head hit the pillow.

—
The next morning I woke up to see Billie's freshly blonde hair on my chest. I smiled and ran my fingers through it. It looked so good. I placed a kiss to the top of her head and she stirred. "Morning." I murmured. She hummed and sat up. I smiled at her. "You hair looks amazing." I said. She blushed. "It was gonna be a surprise but-" she said trailing off. "It's still a surprise." I said. She nodded and looked away. "I have to go." She said. "Oh. Will I see you later?" I asked. She shrugged. "I don't know yet." I nodded. "Baby- I'm sorry. I truly am-" I said. "That's what you said the last time." She said. I frowned. "I know." I said sitting up.

"I promise this was the last time- I need help." I said. She scoffed. "Don't play that card again." She said. "You literally missed your flight to see me because you were high. You were suppose to come see me again, but guess what- you were high. Last night you were suppose to pick me up from the airport but you weren't there. I haven't seen you for six months and you were at some party high. I don't know how long I can keep doing this. I love you. I really do. But it seems you love the drugs a whole lot more." She said. I hung my head and played with my fingers. "You know I lost someone to drugs. They literally killed themselves. It's like you don't care about my fears. It's like you don't even want to take care of yourself." She said. I frowned. "Ill get help." I said. "You said that the last time-" she said again. "I mean it this time. I'll get help. I can't loose you. You're all that I have now." I said. She was silent. "I'm so sorry." I said. "I'm sorry too. But we're done. I can't have this stress anymore. I can't be worried about you while being halfway across the world. It isn't fair to me." She said. "I understand." I said. "Maybe we can see where things are when I get back from tour but until then-"she said.  "I love you Billie." I whispered. She smiled. "I'll see you later."

—-
It had been a year since billie and I broke up. To say I missed her would be an understatement. I was almost nine months clean. She comes home today. I wanted to see her. To hug her. But I know I shouldn't push it. Even to have her back as a friend would mean the world to me.

Finneas texted me yesterday and asked if I could come get them. I told him to make sure Billie knew. I didn't want her to be upset.

I parked outside of the airport and waited to see them. As soon as I spotted her blonde hair I jumped out of the car. "Welcome home." I said. "Hi." She smiled. "Hey y/n." Finneas said placing his bag in the trunk. I got back in and they both climbed into the back. "Where to?" I asked. "Home." Billie said. I knew she meant her parents.

"So how have you been y/n?" Asked Finneas. "Better. Some days are worse than others but I'm seeing a therapist to help balance that out." I said. "So how was tour?" I asked. Billie let out a sigh. "Long. It was fun but I I'm glad I get a break." She said. I smiled. "You deserve it. What about you Finneas? How was tour for you?" I asked.

I pulled up to their families home after 30 minutes of small talk. "Thanks for the ride." Billie said. I waved. "Y/n. Come in for a few. Mom will be confused as to why you didn't come in and say hi." Finneas said. I hesitated. "Please. I'm tired and mom will be super chill if you're there. She loves you." Smiled Finneas. "Just for a few." I said. I got out and followed Finneas inside.

"Oh y/n! I'm so glad to see you!" Maggie said coming to hug me. "I wanted to congratulate you on nine months! I'm so happy for you. I'm so proud." She said hugging me tighter. "Thank you Maggie." I smiled at her. "Please stay for dinner. I'm making a lot. I'm just so excited that Billie and Finneas are home that I got carried away." She said. "Oh I-" I said. "I'm not taking no as answer." She said turning away. I sighed and looked at Finneas. Both him and Billie were staring at me. "Congrats on 9 months." He said. I smiled. Billie let out a sigh. Finneas and I watched her walk away. My heart shattered. "Come. I'll teach you something on the piano like old times." Finneas said. I smiled at his attempt to diffuse my awkwardness.

"I am really proud of you." He said. "You really scared us." I frowned. "I know. I scared myself." I said. "I know the breakup with Billie was hard. It was hard for her but I feel like it was necessary for you both to heal." He said. "I know. I'm just sad that I hurt her." I said. "Is she okay?" I asked. He nodded. "She's still sad and still in love with you." He said. I smiled. "I still love her too." I said. We heard a knock on the door. "Y/n?" Billie whispered. "Billie?" I whispered back. "Can we talk?" She asked. I stood up and followed her to her room.

She shut the door and turned to me. "I miss you." She whispered looking at the floor. "I miss you more." I said softly. She looked at me and sighed. "I can't live life without you-" she said. "Me either." I said. "I don't know if I can jump back into a relationship again." She said. "So? Friends?" I shrugged. She shook her head and I looked at her confused. "No. That doesn't feel right. I want you to be mine-" she said. "I-" I started. "Can we take things slow?" She asked. "I feel it would be best since we're both recovering." She said shrugging. I smiled and walked over to her. "Billie." I said. "I would love it if we gave us another chance." I said. I opened my arms and she fell into them. "I'm so proud of you." She whispered. I smiled to myself. "Okay. Tell me all about tour!" I said. She smiled excitedly.