Unloved - Let us rewrite the stars ||englisch||

✨T W E N T Y T W O ✨

"He's such an idiot! I could so beat him to death!", Cara had been getting upset for an hour. By now we were back from the trainings and sitting in her room. "And he was just jealous?", I probed again, Cara nodded. "I would say yes, talk to him. But honestly. As stubborn as he is right now, don't." I sighed. "If it comes up, I'll talk to him. If not, then not. But I'm going to sleep for now. Last night was..." I didn't finish the sentence, didn't need to because Cara knew what I was going to say. "Okay. Sleep well then." I raised my hand briefly in farewell and was about to go to my room, but ran into someone instead. "Hey Carlos," I greeted him tiredly. "You're going to Cara's?" He nodded. "Good, I'll say good night to you too. I'll see you tomorrow." "Good night Hailey." I didn't think any more about what Carlos wanted from Cara because I didn't care. Why should I care?

I had fallen asleep quickly, but woke up only a few hours later. After I had a drink, I had thought of just going back to sleep, but nothing came of it. When I was awake, I was awake at first. I groaned in annoyance when I couldn't fall back asleep even after an hour of tossing and turning. I rolled out of bed, looking at my mobile phone. It was just after three and I had a new message. From Lando. I didn't need that now either, because it wouldn't make me one hundred and one percent more likely to fall asleep. Actually, I wanted to ignore the message, but then curiosity won out and I read it anyway. He only asked if we could talk... Not now, I'm sure, but before I could forget, I answered with a yes and put my phone away. He wanted to talk to me. To apologise? Or just to tell me that he didn't want anything more to do with me? Earlier I had fallen asleep faster than usual because of the loss of sleep, but now? I was wide awake and didn't know what to do. I started to overthink again, actually just wanted my head to finally shut up again. And then my screen lit up. It was a message from someone who was doing qualifying tomorrow and was supposed to be asleep. He asked if it was okay now, as we were both apparently still awake. Or again. I was about to agree, wanting to get it over with as quickly as possible, when there was a knock on the door. Hesitantly, I opened it and let the Brit enter. "Actually, I should be yelling at you about not being asleep and all, but I guess that doesn't matter right now," I mumbled silently and sat back down on the bed. I completely ignored the fact that I was just sitting here in a T-shirt. When I was with him, I had always made sure not to take off my pullover until I was alone in my room, but Lando had probably already noticed the scars anyway. After all, we had slept in the same bed.

Lando cleared his throat briefly, stood indecisively in the middle of the room and looked down at the floor. "I'm sorry, Hailey." "You said that before. Just not what you're sorry for," I gave disinterestedly. "For reacting the way I did. That wasn't right. But I was kind of..." He searched for the right words, nervously playing with his hands. "...Hurt," he then finished softly, looking up. Looked uncertainly at me, possibly searching for an emotion in my face. Maybe understanding, maybe sadness, instead he got nothing. Without effort, I maintained my apathetic mask, which to all appearances unnerved him even more. "Why were you hurt?", I ventured to ask, but already thought of the answer. After all, Cara had talked to him and told me everything. "You went out with Pierre and Charles. Although I was actually hoping you'd do something with me." In a funny way, it touched me. He had really only been hurt because of that? Because I was doing something with other guys and not with him? "But Lando, what did you think would happen then?", I asked timidly. I had stood up and touched him gently on the arm. "It's not my fault! It's just... you're incredibly important to me and I more than like you and right now it's all so confusing. I don't know where to put my feelings..." but that was as far as he got. To stop his flow of words, I put my lips on his. Briefly and carefully. And even if it was only that, it seemed to explode inside me. Feelings rolled over me like an avalanche. Whole fireworks seemed to explode in my stomach. Previously standing on tiptoe, I stood up straight again, smiling, still keeping my eyes closed, and then it hit me. The mistake I had made. Shocked, I wrenched my eyes open, feeling the tears already burning in my eyes. My next thought was to escape. Somehow I had to get out of here. Had to save myself from what was not allowed to be. My breathing became frantic and the same thing kept running through my head. I. had. to. get. out. of. here. "Lando..." I looked up at him, still looking at me in disbelief and during my rising panic he had actually grabbed his lips for a moment. "That was a mistake. I... you... we...", I pressed out in a panic, ruffling my hair and wanting to slam my forehead against the desk like I always did when I got too desperate to write. "Calm down Hailey... Let's just talk about this normally..." he tried to calmly get through to me, but I wasn't listening. My breath caught and I felt dizzy. Of necessity, in order not to fall over, I had clawed my way into his arm and as if it was self-evident, Lando kissed me again. This time longer, waiting until I had calmed down, he detached himself from me and pulled me into a tight hug. He stroked my hair and gently rocked us back and forth. "This is wrong," I whispered. "Is this what it feels like?" I shook my head. "Then it's not." "It shouldn't be." "Shut up or I'll be forced to kiss you again." A smile crept onto my lips. "That would be another reason to keep talking..."

Snuggled close to Lando, I had almost fallen back asleep, but one feeling wouldn't leave me alone. Remorse.

11.09.2021