Unloved - Let us rewrite the stars ||englisch||

T W E N T Y F O U R

A week ago, my world shattered again, shattered, shattered. A week ago, I had holed myself up in my room at my parents' house and completely shut myself off from everyone. My mother had told me what had happened. Since then I didn't talk to her anymore. My father brought me food upstairs and otherwise left me alone. Sometimes he brought Devin down to take him for a walk, otherwise the dog lay in bed with me all the time. I had heard him say to Mum that I needed more time. Yes, maybe I did, but maybe I just needed someone. When I finally got up to pick up my phone, I was less than enthusiastic as the missed calls lit up.

Twelve missed calls from Lando. Twenty-seven missed calls from Cara. Five missed calls from Sierra. Eighteen from Elly. I sighed. This time alone had given me a lot to think about and I came to the conclusion that I needed more time. That with Lando and me. And first thing tomorrow I would fly back to England and then I would take Cara to races, try to keep the relationship between me and Lando friendly. It hurt. Tearing me apart, because my heart again couldn't stand up to my head. Against my fear. Deeply I drew in the smell of the T-shirt, which had long since ceased to smell like Lando. How long had I known him? Maybe barely a month and yet he was already an important person in my life without whom I no longer wanted to live. I enjoyed living with him, I admitted that to myself now. But was it possible to love someone now? I didn't know, would never know. Sighing, I rolled over onto my other side and texted Cara that I would get on the plane first thing in the morning. She replied directly, asking if we could have a quick phone call, which I declined. Should I write to Lando? Or call him? Should I contact him at all? It was driving me crazy, not knowing what to do. Not being in control. But I had already lost that control.

°°°

"Oh my God, Hailey!" cried Cara as I barely opened the door. "I was so worried!" She ambushed me with a hug, squeezing me tightly. "It's okay Cara..." I pushed away from her and shuffled off to my room. "How's Champ?" she enquired and I promptly felt a sharp pain in my chest. "He's gone," I replied bluntly, tearing open my window for a good airing. Cara didn't reply. "I'll tell you later. Right now I just want to go to bed." Understanding, she nodded and left me alone again.

°°°

"She's just like an empty shell now. Like she's abandoned herself," I heard it from Cara's room as I actually just walked past it. So Lando was talking to Cara about me. Exciting. Under normal circumstances, I would have sat outside the door and listened. But today I didn't feel like it. Let them talk. Besides, it was rude to eavesdrop anyway.

Later, Cara came up to me. "Hailey... You're destroying Lando with your constant silence." I looked up at her with disinterest. "Now will you listen to me without interrupting?" I nodded and lay backwards on the bed. "You've hardly spoken to him in a month and it's really getting to him. He thinks he did something wrong and he feels really guilty. You shouldn't treat him like that, because he really blames himself. I'm worried about you and him." "I can't. Even if I wanted to." "You're so distant right now and you hardly show any emotions. I know what you've lost. That's still no reason to treat others like that." I closed my eyes in annoyance. "Cara. I might come back to the clinic if this doesn't get better. I know I'm acting like shit." "Oh my gosh. Hate me. Hate cars. Hate horses or anything else. But please. Please don't leave Lando hanging. He's all messed up." It hurt to know that I was the reason. If I was to believe Cara. "I would do it differently if I could, wouldn't I? But I can't!", I was getting loud now, because it was really starting to get on my nerves. "Hailey! He loves you okay! You love him! I know that, you know that. It's just that you don't want to get it, you insensitive thing! I'd love to tell you what I think right now, but I don't think I should..." She ruffled her hair and started pacing up and down the room. It was quiet for a while. All that could be heard were her soft footsteps. Suddenly she stopped. "Let it go to Hailey, just once. Just once. Open up to someone at least once in your life." "I don't want to hurt him though," I muttered, burying my face in my pillow. "You already do," she grumbled, but sat down with me and started stroking my back, since I had turned onto my stomach by now. "Tell him how you feel. Just tell him you're not ready for it. He'll understand." Then she left, leaving me alone.

Undecided what to do, I just sat down outside Lando's room door. He wasn't there right now, which is why I was supposed to come back later, but I knew that if I holed up again now, I would never talk to him. After a while Lando actually came. Astonished, he looked down at me. "What are you doing here?" Slowly I stood up, immediately starting to chew on my lower lip. "I wanted to talk," I mumbled, looking down at the floor. "Okay, and about what?" "Can we go in first?" He nodded and unlocked the door. Hesitantly, I started talking. "Well I...", I began awkwardly. "That I didn't talk to you... I'm sorry about that... I was just overwhelmed and didn't know where to put myself." We remained silent for a long time after that. He looked at me, but I kept my gaze fixed downwards. "I know it was important, but what was important Hailey? That a month ago." Slowly I lifted my head to look at him. "I don't want to talk about it right now. But I'm more than sorry." "Why won't you talk to me anymore? You've ignored my calls. You stopped writing. Why?" I felt my lower lip start to quiver, felt the aching tug in my chest from hearing how hurt he was. It almost sounded desperate. "Please don't make me tell you...", I begged, sounding so whiny I was almost embarrassed. "I don't want to force you to do anything. You'll have a good reason not to tell me. Not to trust me, because you don't have to. But please just be honest with me for once. What are we to you?"