Unloved - Let us rewrite the stars ||englisch||

39.

Tired, I walked through the paddock. I was so exhausted, but I still made it to the track. After all, Lando would be driving and I couldn't just abandon him. We had just held two minutes of silence for Anthoine. There I had managed to hold back the tears. But it was hard. I was running behind some of the riders. Actually behind all of them. I had left later, which must have been why they were in front of me now. Lando had interlocked my fingers with his and was walking with his eyes closed. I guess he was trusting me to make sure he didn't bump into anything. That was okay. Of course I was looking after him. "Did you hear the screams yesterday," I snapped from the front. I meant it was Charles. Pierre and Esteban nodded. I rubbed my eyes in exhaustion. My vocal cords were thanking me too, because I was hoarse. Pierre looked around at me unobtrusively and gave me a questioning look. I nodded in reply and leaned my head against Lando's shoulder. As I did so, I raked myself under him and closed my eyes. "You need to look where we're going now, by the way."

°°°

"Damn it!", I yelled in annoyance, slamming the flat of my hand on the tabletop. Angrily, I ripped the headphones off my head and stood up. We had been in the top five, but nope. Something always goes wrong. And this weekend especially. It made me want to puke. When I met Lando, he still had his helmet on. Silently I just took him in my arms. He just let it happen, neither returned the hug nor made any effort to turn away.

 I had my arms folded behind my head and was lying in the hotel room. "Is it worth staying awake today, or should I go straight to sleep?", I inquired of Lando. He was still pretty down, but at least he was talking to me again. Which he hadn't done until we arrived in the room. "You can stay awake. The bus will be here around four." "That's perfect. Do you have any other plans for tonight, or can I just cuddle you to death now?" A gentle smile graced his lips. Happily, I spread my arms and hugged him tightly.

Lando had laid his head on my chest and was lying completely on top of me. It made it harder to breathe, but who cared. I gently cuddled his head with one hand while I drew patterns on his naked back with the other. In between, I kissed his hair from time to time. Meanwhile, I droned on with music, yet the thoughts were too loud. I was stuck on Anthoine. It had got to him. And it hurt so damn much. So painful to lose a loved one. And just the idea that it could have been Lando made my stomach turn. I got goosebumps, felt everything inside me tighten. Painful. So much pain in the last twenty-four hours. "What's wrong?" came sleepily from Lando. "Huh?", I gave out very smartly. "Your heartbeat has quickened." "Oh." "What were you thinking about?" I shook my head. "Nothing. Nothing important at least." "It's important if that's why you're starting to shiver." "I'm just cold." In response, Lando simply pulled the blanket up higher and snuggled into me even tighter than I would have thought possible. And I had made a decision. One that I will probably regret forever.

 "How are you doing after the accident?" my best friend asked me. After weeks of living with Lando, I was now back in my real home. Cara didn't want to be alone. God knows why. We hadn't talked much lately and I was so damn sorry about that. I hardly knew what was going on with her, even though I knew every minute of her life before. It was kind of weird. Besides, Flo's coach was back and I didn't need to go.

"I miss him. It's obvious. He was my best friend." "I understand. What about Lando?" "How do you know that Cara?" "Know what?" "That I haven't thought about anything else since the accident." "It's tearing you apart?" "Yes! Fuck yes!" "Hailey? You sure you're gonna stay with him?" "No Cara. I've made up my mind. And it hurts so bad. So fucking painful!" I could see tears glistening in her eyes, but I didn't feel any better. "Hailey..." "You know Cara... Maybe the words forever are meant for memories after all and not for people." "Don't say that Hailey. Please, don't say that. I... Please." "I can't. Ben... Anthoine... Something can always happen Cara. Always!" Cara sobbed out and the first tears rolled down her cheeks. The pain I just felt was so unbearable. "I admire you. You know that, right?" "For what?" "You're sitting here. Emotionless, even though you just told me you're leaving Lando. Even though I know you're screaming right now, probably even shrieking until you're hoarse again. But you won't. You will, I know you will. But you won't." And she was so damn right. She had always known me and with every single word she had described exactly what I was feeling. "And you know what the worst part is?" I shook my head. "Knowing that you don't now because I'm not a person you want to show the side to. We've always been through thick and thin, but never was I there when you broke down. I've never been able to hold you and it's eating me up. You know, I heard you. You collapsed in Lando's arms and I thought you'd found your home. That you'd finally arrived and in the same breath I realised you were leaving him." Now she had done it. I cried. Again. Still suppressed the emotion. Didn't show what I could have shown. Because I would never show it, only with him. With Lando, I had been able to let myself go. And Cara, my Cara, cried like it was her own breakup. "You know I hate you, right?" I nodded. "I hate you for wanting to run away again. I hate you for breaking his heart. I hate you for leaving me alone. I really do. And yet I love you. But it's not goodbye forever. Am I right? You'll come back?" I hugged her tightly. As tightly as I had ever done in all the years of our friendship. So tight, because I knew it would be the last time for a long time. "I know why you're leaving. I understand, even if no one else ever will." Sobbing, I smiled. "Thank you. For everything. For understanding me and always being there for me. Give me some time. You'll hear from me again on your birthday at the latest." "I hate you." "I know... I know... me too." With that I turned and left.