Difference Between

Chapter 19 - The EmEmber Email

Saturday morning, I get up early like I usually do to finish all my chores. As always I sit out on the roof, but instead of calling Dad right away, I pull my phone out and read over the email I sent him. I finally drafted and sent one that I think sounds pretty good, but I don't know if he's seen it yet. To tide my anticipation over, I keep rereading the email.

From: Emery Ember

To: Artwell Advice

Subject: Lots of drama and idiocy

Dear Mr. Artwell,

Oh where to begin. I guess I should start by saying I've royally screwed up. Like a lot.

First, there's my mom. We aren't especially close. Never really have been. I know she loves me, and I love her, but we're not the best communicators. She was asking me about some friendship problems I was having (which I'll get to later...), and she implied that everything happened because of what I did and said. She said that it's my responsibility to be careful and courteous and not anyone else's. I got kind of annoyed and told her she damaged me while she raised me and that she never really cared about my problems until they personally affected her. Then I walked away, and we haven't really talked since.

Second, my brother. We're fairly close. I don't hate him. He doesn't hate me. Just the general sibling annoyance. But at the same time, I've always felt like he doesn't care about me. It always seems like he cares more about everyone else's general well-being and peace of mind than he cares about how I feel in a certain situation. When he came to talk to me about my fights with my friends, he basically accused me of doing something wrong (which I did, but it would've been nice if that wasn't his first assumption like it always is). And then he told me my problem is I don't know when to shut up and when I'm supposed to say my piece, and when I do talk, it always causes problems. In response, I told him that it's so weird that he wonders why I don't come to talk to him all that much when it's clear he doesn't care about me. Then I walked away.

Third, I've messed things up with this friend (more times than I can count). Just in general we tend to get on each other's nerves a lot. Sometimes we manage to have a decent conversation, but then one of us always says something to tick the other off. Usually, he'd be the one to say something insulting, and I always shoot back (because why would I just take it?). But we actually did apologize to each other about a week ago and kind of agreed that we're okay. Except we're not okay because I got in a fight with a different friend (who happens to be his best friend), and the first friend chose to check on me first. But I brushed him off and implied he has no reason to check on me when it would probably just end in a fight and we aren't even really friends in the first place.

And finally, the other friend. He basically told me that he really values our friendship. I do, too, but he said sometimes it feels like I'm really hesitant about being in the present with him. Like I'm hiding behind reasons for why we can't be really good friends like I'm scared. I don't think I'm necessarily scared. Just very, very nervous considering it seems like I can't keep a stable relationship with anyone to save my life. I guess that translates as me being unsure of where I stand with him as a friend, and I am. I've told him so, and even after all his assurances, I can't bring myself to be there in the moment with him because I'm always thinking about what could go wrong or what has gone wrong in the past. Obviously, he's hurt that I wouldn't trust him no matter how many times he's proven himself to be a good friend, so that's another ruined relationship...

So in conclusion, I'm really bad with people and relationships and I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Thank you,