Random mcyt oneshots (mainly SBI)

Freaks

TW: This is a vent. You don't have to read this. This is mainly for me to just write. This may make me look insane but do I care? No.

The song is by Surf Curse and its a really good song, 10/10.

-Swearing

-Me (I'm trans and my name is William but people call me Wilbur or Wil, but the name has nothing to do with the SMP or Wilbur Soot.)

-Depersonalization (possibly, idk what this thing I do is actually called, but it's similar to depersonalization, if you know what it actually is, please tell me and I'll change this.)

-Not in first person but it is about me with the occasional note in first person.

Dreams are a safe space. Daydreams, or dreaming when you're asleep. Whatever. They're a way to escape reality and get away from the stress of life.
Wil and his friend, Phoenix, were sat once on a bench, overlooking the town and watching the sunset. Something suddenly happened. He doesn't know how to explain it. He doesn't even know how it started. He'd always done it but never really knew what it was. It was mainly when he was a child.
He'd get an attachment to a character and get episodes where he'd mentally turn into the character. He's self-aware, he knows he isn't them, but his brain forces him to believe it is him.
He doesn't know why he does it.

Maybe it was trauma of growing up with constant arguing between his parents until the age of 4?
Maybe it was just his way of feeling more confident in his own body?
Maybe it's just gender envy? But that doesn't explain why Phoenix also sees him as Wilbur and himself as Tommy, and Wil seeing himself as Wilbur and Nix as Tommy.
They both see the same people as the same characters, and act accordingly to how Wilbur and Tommy would react to them.
It always, without fail, happens when something feels off, or when he's nervous or just not in a good mood.

Usually there's a trigger. Maybe this time it was the familiarity of him and his younger brother (even it was only a difference of a few months) like friend sat in this specific scenario, like Tommy and Wilbur by L'mantree. Whatever the reason, he allowed his brain to be taken over by Wilbur.

Choosing his name was difficult. Even back when he was cis, he thought of the name William, then he was generfluid and settled with Jaiden. It didn't feel right. Only recently did he decide that William makes him more comfortable. Friends call him Wilbur or Wil. He does tend to act alot like C!Wilbur. It's just how his brain is, he'd always done it. The mannerisms, speech etc. Ever since he was a kid. It wasn't a hyperfixation thing, it's just his personality.

But when he dissociates, he gains memories and feelings he hadn't felt before. He could actually feel the emotion of being betrayed, he can easily yell at Tommy (Phoenix but when he's also dissociating) without feeling bad - but only if he knew they both ascended to the Aether and wouldn't actually take things personally when they snapped out of this mindset.

He'd experience memories he hadn't had, he'd feel emotional trauma, he'd literally feel differently about certain CCs (their characters, not the actual, living, breathing person), he associates people with characters, and call them by that characters name, he says things C!Wilbur would actually say, act how he's actually act. There's so much more that I can't explain; partly because I don't know how.

It's hard talking to people properly about it (except for Phoenix cos yknow, we both do it, and about one other person who I associate with Techno cos she is literally him-)

Snapping out the mindset completely drains his energy, and he constantly wants to be in that headspace.
It started off small, just simple little differences that he didn't really notice. It'd happen maybe a few times a week, but it's recently developed to his entire posture, stance, mannerisms, speech, and memories changing, and it happens at least daily, sometimes all day.
He's texted his dad about it, (cos, aha, separated parents amiright?) and he replied saying it's most likely not a personality disorder as he's self-aware and experiences no amnesia, just the feeling of it happening ages ago; like a memory from when you were young that you're not sure actually happened or not.

He can't tell his mum cos she's strict and shows signs of toxicity (there is alot more to that so don't be like, 'oh she's a bad mum' or whatever because it's not my place to tell anyone the reasoning as to why she may be toxic) and he's not out to her or her boyfriend of like eight years (who I don't trust) yet, so he can't see anyone about it. He's seen it on social media aswell, but he can't find a direct answer for it.

I know this is different to other stories but I needed to share this to see if anyone who does read this knows what this is. There's so much more I want to say but I can't for a multitude of reasons.
My chosen name is not because of Wilbur Soot, no this isn't an act, yes I was watching She-Ra for 90% of this.

I did start it but it didn't make sense so I deleted some of it except for the first paragraph. If anyone who reads this has any idea in what this is, please tell me because I need to know. I also have undiagnosed OCD so it may be related to that? I'm not sure and am not the biggest fan on labelling myself unless I know what it is. The OCD thing I'm positive I have since I max out every symptom (spoken about or not) but once again, can't get diagnosed.

Weird way to end this I know, but uh, see ya?

Also if I do end up dissociating while writing I will end it with -Wilbur. But I'm not now so that's good I guess-