Musings of the Insane

Heartless

I feel my sanity start to fade,
I throw my fists into the wall,
Scratching senseless words into my notebook,
Hoping they could make sense aloud.
**
Instead, I feel the anger rising,
I punch the wall again, staring
At my bloody knuckles,
Knowing that they're broken
**
But at the moment, I really don't care,
The pain just make the rage worse.
I break everything, never seeming to
Satisfy this bloodlust controlling me.
**
There must be destruction, and the
physical pain is far better than the emotional.
The mental pain is what sends me to my knees,
Breaking and sobbing.
**
What am I supposed to do?
Pretend that I'm not broken, say I don't care?
I trusted you! I loved you! I gave you everything!
My body, my heart, my soul, everything was yours!
And you still betrayed me!
**
Why?! Why would you do this?!
I need to know! I don't understand!
Everything! And still you chose her!
You cheated on me, then lied when I caught you!
**
I wish I were numb or blind,
I almost accepted your excuses!
But I am nobody's fool,
No matter how much I love you.
**
I refuse to do this, I refuse to make excuses.
I won't stand and pretend I don't see.
So leave right now, before I hurt you,
Before the pain and anger get too strong.
**
You run away, like the coward you are,
Leaving me to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart.
Instead of stitching it back together,
Like I normally would, I throw it away,
Choosing to be cold and heartless.
**
It's better than the pain, the lost hope,
Better than sitting around crying,
Wishing for death to take me away,
Bribing him with bottles of alcohol.
**
Better than the constant throb,
Now I'm just hollow and cold,
Freezing anyone who tries to stay close.
I am ice and fire together, cold thoughts, hot hatred.
**
So here is my heart, or what I could find.
Feel free to keep the pieces to remind you
How you broke me, the way I died,
Knowing it was your fault.
**
I'm alone and cold and heartless,
But I'm no longer in pain.
And that should be better,
Right?