Love, is not for us

#10 - You're too calm

Tiara

I don't know how and when did I fell asleep. I vaguely remember James spooning me from behind while playing with my hair to soothe me. He didn't say anything after we got the tests result, neither did I.

I turned to his side of the bed and saw it's already empty and cold. He must have left. It's only 8 am, which is rare for him to be up already so he probably had left without sleeping over.

Just when I was about to curl back to sleep, I heard some sounds coming from the kitchen. I got off the bed to check it out.

It's him. I feel lighter seeing him.

He turned around and gave me a small smile,"Good, you're up. Sit down and eat."

Only then, I noticed there's a plate of my favourite breakfast - toast breads with heap full of salad on the side, grilled potatoes and sausages. With a glass of iced coffee and orange juice. Orange juice?

"I'm not sure what you can or cannot drink. But in case you can't drink coffee, I bought you some juices. There's apple and carrot juice too", he explains the orange juice.

"Hmm.. I'm very grateful but I don't think orange juice is quite an alternative to coffees. You know how I'm like without my morning coffee...", I said, sipping on the juice anyway.

He chuckles, "Well, I guess if you really can't drink coffee, I'll just have to find ways to deal with your mood".

"You're sticking around?", I asked to confirm.

"I would have left already if I'm not. I'm not that reckless and irresponsible to abandon you. Have some faith in me please, sunshine?"

"I'm sorry... I just thought you would react differently. It's not about not having faith babe, it's.. I guess a normal reaction is to freak out. I was and I am freaking out. You are taking this overly calm...".

He sat in front of me but avoiding my eyes.

"I may look calm but I'm not at all. All my life, whatever situations that comes in my way, I only knew one way to react. Anger. Throw things or even some punches. I guess the anger management classes I went before works well if you think I'm calm.", he pauses and give me a small smile and continues, "I wanted to scream last night. Throw that ugly frame you have in your room. But having you in my arm calms me, baby. I might have hug you to soothe you but really, it calms me down. I never had any good father figure growing up. My mom sent me to him when I was 15, probably tired of taking care of me. So, I don't know if I can be a good father, Tiara. I don't know love and attachment. But somewhere inside me, I thought if it's with you, maybe I can do this.", he pours out his thoughts.

I think this is the longest I've heard him speak. I knew he didn't have a good childhood when he first came to Luke's home. But I never knew the extent of it. I'm sure he doesn't usually speaks out his mind to anyone so I'm very touched and happy that he can do it with me. Maybe, we can do this.

I didn't realise that I was crying until I felt his hands wiping my tears away. I hugged him and kissed him, "We'll get through this together, baby.".