Love, is not for us

#16 - Are you kidding?

James

15 days. It has been 15 days since I saw her, touch her, made her smile.

I have not spent a day without seeing her ever since we found out she's pregnant. It's hard to get used to my old routine, life without Tiara.
I miss her mood swings, I miss her organizing freak, I miss her naggings, I miss teasing her, and catching her small smile that she tries to hide when I annoy her, I fucking miss her.

It's crazy how something that started purely for sexual pleasure turns into something so.. important.. it's like she becomes a part of me.

This is why I never slept with anyone more than once. My biggest mistake.

I convinced myself that I'll stop missing her soon. My mind is clouded because of the baby.

In the last 15 days, I had convinced myself, that she's right. We need to end this now. Nothing good will comes out if we continue to sleep with each other. It would only be harder when one day she decides to leave me for another man.

Our child will be confused and be torn in between. So, I focus to do that 1 thing that I should have been. Focus to be a good father.
She can find another man but I need to make sure, no matter what, I'll still be the constant in our child's life. No one can replace me as the father.

So, in the last 15 days, I made sure to still keep in touch with her in case of emergency.

Is the baby okay today?

I send this same text every single afternoon. And she will just reply, Yes, okay. All good, thanks for asking.

I met Luke.

I told Luke that we're strictly co-parenting and beg him to forgive her. He can hate me all his life but she needs her bestie. I can't be close to her anymore, so I need Luke to be there. He better do this or it will be my turn to punch his face.

I also met Anna, to inform me if she has any weird, crazy cravings. Anna said she tried asking since Tiara hasn't said anything about cravings as of late. Tiara has been throwing herself completely into her work. So I asked Anna to keep an eye on her closely and to make sure she takes her meal.

It's important that I do these, it's for the baby. I keep telling myself this.

—-

We're waiting silently for the doctor in the waiting room. The first time we're here, we were having playful banters and kissed each other a lot. Now we're just sitting apart looking at each other's phones. I'm starting to get impatient. As usual, she made us reach early, and this awkward silence is not calming me down at all.

The ride in the car was a pain too. I insist I could still pick her up, we may not be together but that doesn't mean we have to hate each other.
So, a car ride together is alright, right.

"H-hey, thanks for the ride", she said so politely as she enters the car. How am I supposed to react, I just shrugged.

After a quick pleasantry exchange, neither of us said anything so, I turn up the radio volume to kill the deafening silence.

In the past, whenever she's next to me, my hand would automatically rest on her thigh. In the beginning of the ride, I made a conscious effort to not do that. But after a while, probably when I was making a turn, I had unconsciously rest my hand on her thigh and it took me a few minutes to notice this.
She probably felt bad and too polite to push me away or say anything. But when I realised, it was almost someone else has taken over me, I got flustered and rapidly exclaimed sorry. She just chuckled and brushed it off but I couldn't stop myself and muttered a few more apologies. I must have looked like an idiot.

Is this how things going to be for us?

—-

The doctor is running an ultrasound on her. She is at Week 12, we should be able to hear the heartbeat today.
Not wanting to repeat the car incident, I made sure to stand afar. I lean on the wall while the doctor probes her belly with the device.

I smiled seeing her baby bump. It's more prominent than I last saw her. I had the habit to rub her belly in circles, apart from playing with her hair.

Interrupting my train of thoughts, the doctor said, "There it is, can you see it? That over there, is your baby. And, here's the sound of the heartbeat. Let me go and print some copies for your keeping.", and the doctor left the two of us. I couldn't take my eyes off the screen before I heard a sob coming from Tiara.

I stare at her, the beautiful mother of our baby with the sound of the heartbeat filling up the room.

They're my beautiful mistake. I can't lose them. I need to fix this.

---

After a moment, Tiara has stopped crying. I hope it's only happy tears. And the doctor returns to explain further, "It looks like both mummy and baby are healthy. The baby is about the size of a plum now", what's with this doctor and comparing my baby with fruits. I hope Tiara won't give a new nickname each time, she used to call our baby, Blue. I wonder if she still does that. I wonder if she still wishes our baby to have my blue eyes.

I wasn't paying much attention to the doctor this time as I was so distracted admiring Tiara. I miss her so much. When suddenly, I heard the doctor gasps.

"What's wrong? Are they okay?!", I panic.

"I'm sorry. No no, nothing wrong. Hold on sir, let me just run a thorough check first before I confirm anything.", the doctor tries to calm me down.

It feels like my heart might burst any time. I looked over Tiara, she looks scared too. Fuck this, I move over her, grab her hand and kissed her forehead, "Everything's alright. It's okay.", I try to soothe her. She grips my hand harder and nods.

"Wow", the doctor turns to us. "Both of you are having a twin."

"What!?" "Are you kidding??", we both exclaim.