Love, is not for us

#32 - No answers

James

There were multiple scenarios played out in my mind but what's happening now, is definitely not what I expected.

Tiara is sobbing hard in my arms and hugging me tight. For what I have done, I don't deserve this at all. "I-I m-missed y-ouu so muchh..", she cries between her sobs. I deserve to be slapped, to be pushed away, kicked out but not this.

I tighten our hugs and breathe in her floral scent that I missed so much, "I'm sorry, baby... I fucked up.. so bad.. I'm sorry..I love you so much baby.. I love our sons so much...", It has been my mantra from the moment I walk into our apartment and finding her standing shocked in the kitchen.

The last 3 weeks had been hell for me. The hell that I had pushed myself in.

She removes herself from my embrace and places her hands on my face, "Why, James, what happened? Why did you leave? Are you okay?".

She should hate me and push me away, why is she still worried about me. I feel so embarrassed of myself and at this question, I don't know how to face her so I avert my eyes to the floor. And the thing is, I don't know either, I don't have the exact answers.

The sound of baby cries fills up the delivery room. My two sons - mine & Tiara's are finally here. I'm a father. How did I got so lucky?

"Mr. Scott, would you like to hold them?", the nurse asks me.
I was beaming and took a step forward to reach them when suddenly I was shaken by an immense fear and stumbled backwards..
.
.
"Do you wanna hold them?", Tiara asked.

My eyes widen at her question, I look at the twins hesitantly. After a few moments, "No. I mean not now. They look like they might break in my hands.", I managed to form an excuse.
.
.

My eyes are now fully focused on Tiara - my love, and I reach to cup her face, "You know I love you, right? You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.", I said as I kiss her tenderly.

That was the last time I kissed and touched her before I did the unthinkable. I don't even recall what exactly happened before realising I already have a small bag of clothings in my hand and walking aimlessly, away from home. Instead of walking back, I walked further.

"James...", I feel my body lightly shaken by Tiara, bringing me out from my deep thoughts. "Talk to me please.. tell me, what happened? What did I do?"

"I-I don't know", all excuses I had formed on my way back here are all forgotten and that's all I managed to say.

She looks taken aback and took a step away from me. "You don't know? What do you mean? Sure there's something."

I slouched defeatedly, "Yes.. No.. I mean— no, I'm sorry I have no answers. I know you're expecting some kind of answers. But I don't have the answer you want to hear."

She lets out a flat chuckles, "I had a million questions and a million possibilities running in my head ever since you left. I raked my brains to figure out! What went wrong? What have I done?! But, no answer? Seriously, didn't I mean anything to you?! The twins?!! Did you just realize that we're not enough for you??!"

I fell on my knees and cling onto her waist, my tears soaks her shirt,"I'm sorry baby.. I love you so much... I love Niall and Nolan.. It's not you, never...it's me.. Please give me time to explain.. Please give me a chance to redeem myself...Please...", I beg her.