Love, is not for us

#30 - A million questions

Tiara

The last 16 hours is the longest and most painful experience I've ever gone through.

"You'll never ever touch me ever again, James Scott!!! I fucking hate you!"

The 16th hour, was a blur for me. I remember grabbing the nearest thing that I could reach, gripping it as hard as my energy allowed while I screamed in tears.

"Baby, I'm so sorry, I love you so much and I wish I can take away this pain from you. But please, don't break my hand.", I vaguely remember James words but I didn't loosen my grip.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"

"Okay time to push Miss Rogers."

...and that was how my handsome twins I'm cradling now, finally came to this world.

"James, they're so small...", I look up to him who's perching on my bed admiring our babies with me.

"Indeed, they are...", he whispers. James has been quiet for a while now but his eyes hardly leave the 3 of us.

"Do you wanna hold them?"

His eyes widen at my question, looking hesitant. After a few moments, "No. I mean not now. They look like they might break in my hands."

I chuckle hearing his hesitance, "I'm sure you won't, but it's okay. You have plenty of time to hold them."

"Anyway, so are we sure of the names now?", he asks.

"Niall Scott", I confirm.
"and Nolan Scott", he added.

His eyes are now fully focused on me and he reaches to cup my face with his cold hand, "You know I love you, right? You're the best thing that has ever happened to me.", I smile at him and he kisses me tenderly.

...and that was the last time James Scott kissed me and the last time I saw him.

I recounted the whole incident to Laura who flew here 2 days after I gave birth. His entire family has been very supportive and helpful, I wouldn't know what to do if not for them. None of them has any clue what happened to him, just like I am. Everything was fine. All of them are furious & disappointed, Laura & Dean, especially. 

My family who came over a few days before the delivery, of course had blamed me for his disappearance. Things were starting to be alright with my mother & sister. They were careful enough, I guess my last visit home did gave some impact. But, whatever improvement that was built, all crumbled once they learnt that James disappeared. It wasn't so bad with mother, apart from her typical comments she kept silent most of the time. But Sandy was sure that all we had was indeed pretence. It really stings. But made me wonder, could it be really just one-sided? pretence?

Is Love really not for us?

But the moment I step into our apartment, or his apartment, I'm sure it was all real. No way, he is capable to pretend all those memories, how he cared, protected and made me feel loved was fake. More than me, he has sacrificed his personal space, his lifelong policy to not love and get attached by being with me. He has even started to make friends.

So, what went wrong?

"I can't believe he spent his whole life hating me & Dean. Ironically, he pulled off similar stunt as Dean.", Laura breaks my deep thoughts. Her face is red and tear-stricken, like me. It must be very painful for her, it's basically a replay for her but on me. At least, according to Laura, Dean was never that affectionate, and with the circumstances, it wasn't a huge surprise for her when he left her before she gave birth to James.

I just gave her a smile which I'm sure didn't reach my eyes. "Laura, can you stay here while you're around? I-i", my voice breaks, tonight is the first night that I'm back here and the thought of sleeping here without him breaks me again.

"Of course, Sweetheart. Of course, I'll stay with the three of you.", she replies and hold my hands firmly.

I don't care anymore whether this is his personal space or if he would be angry finding Laura here.

In fact, am I still even welcome here?

Luke suggests I stay with him. But everything that I would need is in this apartment, and I'm sure that this will be the first place he would come back to. And I want to be there when he returns. Surely he will return, right? This is his apartment anyway.

He has to return if he wants to kick us out of his apartment.

I don't know how I will react when I see him, my brain wants to kill him and tell him to never appear in front of us again but here, I refuse to leave this place.

My heart still yearns for him and wants to ask him a million questions. The number one is, Are you okay?

Am I stupid, for still worry about him?

---

7 days. Niall & Nolan are 7 days old today. 7 days since their daddy, the love of my life left. Niall was born 3 minutes before Nolan, and yes, they're identical twins. Even their eyes are identical. Both of them has the same blue eyes like their daddy, just how I always wished. It breaks my heart a little seeing the similarities, but I don't love them any less.

"Tomorrow is Gammy's last day here, so please be nice to mummy, okay.", Laura refers to herself as Gammy.

She has been a great support. Not just in helping me with the newborns, but, mentally and emotionally. I guess having similar experience helps us to connect.

Dean came yesterday, to apologize for his son's behaviour. Both Dean & Laura blame themselves for this turns of events. But I assure them that it's not their fault. It's him.. or me?

I don't even know what went wrong. Everything seems perfect. Was it the nightmare? To both parents' knowledge, he never suffer from any nightmares. And for the entire time I've been with him, it only happens twice.

"I'm so sorry, I have to leave...", she said as she overheard my little conversation with my boys.

"Hey, it's alright. I'm getting a hang of it. Luke & Anna is just a call away. They already plan to sleep over some nights. But I think I need to overcome it now than later, so I promise to call them if I need anything. Plus, my mother will be here by next week. So we'll be alright.", her eyebrows still furrow with worries. "I swear I will hang him myself once we get caught of him.", Laura says regarding James.

"Please don't, let me have the pleasure to strangle him.", I chuckle plainly.

Till today there's still no news of him. His publisher can't trace him too. I considered reporting to the police, but since he has left with a small bag of clothes and all necessities, he's definitely not kidnapped.

He doesn't really have any friends, apart of this small circle of people that are mutual to me, so we're really in a dead-end here.

Noah asked if he has someone else? That, I have no doubt is not possible. Him being unfaithful is the least thing I would worry. I trust him enough that he won't set his eyes on another woman.

What happened, James Scott?