Love, is not for us

#25 - The Past

James

Up until I was 9, I didn't know I had a father. It had always been just me & my mom. Mom worked day in, day out with multiple jobs so she was hardly home. I learned to cook on my own by the time I was 7. Good thing our home had a few books which became my only friend and source of entertainment.

When I was 9, dad appeared in my life. He was a caring and loving father. He didn't stay with us and would visit us once a month. Probably had supported us financially too since Mom started to work less. When he was around, we were like the perfect family ever. It was probably the best time in my life. But that life, only lasted for around 6 months.

One day, when I return from school, I heard loud crashing sounds and shoutings.

"No!! Please, please don't leave us! I beg you!! I can't do this without you.", mom pleaded in between her sobbings.

"You know, I'm married! I have a son at home! How can you be so careless and get yourself pregnant, again!? Do you know how hard it is to have a secret son? You're just trying to trap me, I should have known it. My mistake for reconnecting with you.", dad accused mom coldly.

"Trap you!? Trap!? It's my life that's been trapped! I'm the one that worked my ass off for the last 9 years without your single cent, caring for your son that I didn't want. You promised to look out for us when I told you I was pregnant, but no, you left us before he was born, you went ahead and get married, got another child few years later living the perfect family while we struggle here. You ruined my life! And for the record, I didn't ask you to come back!"

They were never married and I was a result of an affair thus, unwanted.

That day, I stopped being a kid, I hate everyone, everything. Learning that you were unwanted and had been nothing but a trouble to your own parents taught me that love does not exist, at least not for me.

Not long after, my mom miscarried and our life turned the worst. It didn't get better and worsen when I was 15. Mom regret what she said and never stop trying to connect with me, but I was already too deep into hatred. I fucking hate and angry at the world. I was always drunk and got into fights. Mom was constantly getting me bailed out.

That's when she probably gave up and took me here and hand me over to dad. Dad put me into counselling and anger management course. Between these, they apologized to me for their mistakes, for scarring my childhood, for not giving me the love I needed. It took me 3 years of counsellings, a lot of shoutings and fightings to finally forgive them.

I forgive, but I can't forget.

I narrated my past to Tiara, opening up the old wound that I never wished to revisit. Tiara was tearing up and I wipe her tears away, "I shouldn't be making you cry when you're still on a hospital bed. The doctor might accused me or something."

She chuckles and took my hand firmly and kiss my knuckles, "I love you, James...Thank you for opening up for me..."

"You understand now, why I said you gave me a brand new life?", she smiles shyly and I continue,

"I had always been scared that I would turn just like him... or worse than him. He was at least capable of loving, he loves Karen and apparently did love my mom although not as strong as Karen...But you showed me that I'm capable of loving you, our unborn babies, you showed me that I can be loved too..".

"But baby, I'm scared... I'm scared to see them reconnect, nothing good happens when they are together...nothing good happens when the 3 of us are together.", I tremble in tears.

She scoot over to hug my large frame and rubs my back, "Baby... shhh.. listen to me okay.. That's just on your mind. Remember when you had forgiven them when you were 18? You did that when you were all together. You step out from the darkness together. Your mom found her passion and is now a successful career woman. Your parents regret what they did, Karen has forgiven their past. Luke accepts you. You need to truly let it go.

Maybe, seeing them again after all these years can help that."