Love, is not for us

#15 - For the best

Tiara

Babe, I'm a mess. I don't know how to love. But I will try my best to learn to love our baby. But I promise to make sure our baby will never be short of anything else. I'll protect our baby at all cost, I will never let anything or anyone hurt our baby.

It has been a week since he told me this. It has been playing on my mind again and again.

"Our baby"

I had a mixture of joy and sadness. Joy for our baby, but sad for myself. I try to brush it off convincing myself it's just hormonal.

There are many parents who successfully co-parents and raise beautiful, happy child. I may freaked out in the beginning, but now I'm sure me and James will be able to give that for our baby.

Is it selfish, if I want to love and be loved? Is it selfish that I'm scared for myself? James has been amazing. He probably hasn't realise this, but he has done everything I could ask for. This is why, I'm scared. I'm scared if I let myself closer to him, I will fall for him, deeply and end up breaking myself. Just like Luke warned me.

Maybe, I should step back before I fall deeper.
Having broken parents would be more difficult, right?

—-

James is switching channels aimlessly, looking bored. Since I got pregnant, I have started to succumb to James' Sunday routine instead of doing things to be productive. His Sunday routine just consists of sleeping in, spending time lazily, order takeaways, basically opposite of mine. I hate to admit, but I'm enjoying it.

After spending days thinking over and over again. I decided I need to talk to him about us.

I took a seat next to him, but with some distance between us. "James, can we talk?"

He looks at me curiously, "It sounds serious. What's up?"

I took a deep breath, "I've been doing a lot of thinking.. "

"Nothing good comes out from your overthinking", he interjects.

"James, listen first please, before you decide if I am overthinking or not. I think it's a wise to think about. Now, before it's to late."

He doesn't show much reaction, so I continue, "It's about us.  The two of us, not the baby."

"What about us?"

"How are we moving forward? What are we now? Are we still... fuck buddies? Until when? It's not just about our pleasures anymore, we have an innocent life coming in between us soon... "

I wait for his response. He looks frustrated as he run his hands over his hair roughly and said, "I don't know, what are you suggesting."

Before I could answer, he continues, "I don't think I have any more in me to do more than what I'm doing now. Ask Luke, ask my mom, what I'm doing now, supporting you and the baby is the most attachment I've ever offered to anyone. It seems to me you're asking to be official? a relationship? I told-", his voice getting harsher after each words.

I stop him from saying more, "No! That's not it! I know your limits, I'm well aware of that! You have warned me enough, Luke have warned me and already punishing me for that! I know, okay.. I won't force you to be more."

"Then, what are you suggesting!?"

"Let's end our arrangement, just be friends and co-parent. No more intimate stuff.", I could feel tears building up as I suggest this.

He looks dejected. "Do you think that's the best for us?"

"Do you have a better idea?"

"Fine. I guess that's the best. Let's end before things get messier. Before any guy who might be the love of your life walks in.", he said bitterly. He got up and walk towards the bedroom to pack his things and walk out from the apartment.

He did not return that night, the next day, and the coming weeks apart from cold texts to check in. This is what I wanted, for the best, right?

And I spent the rest of the week crying and isolating myself in this now empty apartment.