Not Enough (complete)

15. Realization

"You know we can skip all of this, we don't need to go on dates, we can simply start seeing each other. You can be my boyfriend starting today".

Yang Zi wanted to have a talk with Yibo to make him realize his feelings but she thought it was better to allow him realize it on his own.

Yibo should be happy right, no need to woo the girl. She was already offering herself to him. They could skip the courting stage and go right into the relationship.

After thinking about it, Yibo's reply was, "No. I want to court you properly first..."

"Court me properly first? Or you need to validate your feelings? Yibo, do you really believe that the one you like is me? You can fool everyone but you cannot fool yourself. Think about it properly before you answer".

Yes, he could fool everyone but he couldn't fool himself. From the moment he watched Xiao Zhan leave, he had not known true happiness. His feelings had ranged from sadness to loneliness to guilt. But happiness was far from him.

He had realized it, long ago, that he might like Xiao Zhan a little more than he cared to admit. He honestly wasn't ready to face his feelings, well that was until that day Xiao Zhan walked away.

Yibo had the urge to run after him but to tell him what exactly? Wait for me? Give me some time? Xiao Zhan did leave him for 5 whole years but he rekindled those feelings only for him to leave him hanging yet again.

Guilt and regrets had accompanied him from that day onwards. But he believed Xiao Zhan was doing fine. He heard from his mother that Xiao Zhan had rented a small office space and he was in the process of registering his small business. Xiao Zhan had moved on. There was no need for him to show his face his front of this friend of his anymore.

He wasn't dating Xiao Zhan or anyone else for that matter. He was alone and craved some company. Then he remembered Yang Zi... she once said she liked him. If she still did, well, he was willing to give it a try.

But... this was fooling others. If he was to be honest with himself, Yang Zi was not really the person he had in his heart. He was too ashamed, too embarrassed to admit to even himself that the one he really longed for was Xiao Zhan but as what? As a friend?

If he was to say the truth, the answer was no. Right now, he was ready to be whatever Xiao Zhan wanted him to be. A friend, best friend or better yet, a lover. Yibo had come to this realization some time ago but this was the first time he was admitting that he had fallen for Xiao Zhan also.

Yes, he fell for him long ago but he was in denial. All those years when they were separated during school, he thought of him very often. When they saw each other again, a part of him wanted to confess his feelings but he was still in denial. When Yang Zi approached them, seeing how Xiao Zhan mentioned that he had loved one person all these years, Yibo gave in to his feelings and let himself go for one night.

The next morning, he was still thinking when Yang Zi came over and her confession confused him, but just for a short while. As for kissing her back, he was trying to convince himself that what he felt for Xiao Zhan was a mere attraction, not love but that kiss didn't come close to the ones he had the previous night with Zhan. He loved it so much that he was reluctant to part their lips. Whenever their lips went apart, he placed them right back. With Yang Zi, he felt absolutely nothing.

Afterwards, even though he had more or less confirmed his feelings, he still needed a little more time to come to terms with it. It was at that time he sent Xiao Zhan away... for the last time. If he had known he would totally regret it a few hours down the line, he swore he would have handled it differently.

He had not said anything for a long time. Yang Zi cleared her throat, only then did he remember that there was someone seated opposite him.

"Ahem. I... you seem to have me figured out but I've decided not to pursue my feelings for Xiao Zhan, I don't want to ruin our friendship more than I already have".

"What do you mean?"

Yibo revealed a regretful smile, "I had a chance. No, I had plenty of chances but I singlehandedly ruined them all. Did you know why I asked you out back then in school? I know you may find this offensive but I kissed Xiao Zhan and he confessed his feelings. I freaked out and thought the best way out was to get myself a girlfriend..."

This was certainly news to Yang Zi. "So you came to ask me out?"

"I'm not proud of it, please don't judge me..."

"I'm trying really hard not to but with each sentence you make, you give me a brand new and valid reason to judge you".

Silence

"Let me guess...", Yang Zi continued, "...this date was also related to him somehow, right?"

Yibo nodded.

At this point, Yang Zi didn't know who was more pitiful between herself or Yibo. Well, she had no regrets but Yibo on the other hand had plenty. Looking at him, all she had to do was say one word to touch his sore spot and he would break down in tears. She took a deep breath and decided to keep the lecture she had in mind for him for another time.

"All right then. Since you seem to have finally come to terms with your feelings? What are you going to do about it? Are you going to ignore, try to get yourself another girlfriend and ruin her feelings like you have done to Xiao Zhan for so long? Or are you going to man up, swallow your pride, face your mistakes, apologise to him and try your best to win him back?"

The first option seemed easier but he knew the right thing to do.

"Yang Zi... I have to go".

A/N

For real this time, he has realized his mistakes 🙈