Bewildered 🌸 (kja)

La Douleur Exquise

La Douleur Exquise - (n.) The heart-wrenching pain of wanting the affection of someone unattainable.

Liza decided to see Gerald. Pakiramdam niya ay makakatulong ito na maalala niya ang kanyang nakaraan. Hindi maipaliwanag ni Liza ang dahilan, but she feels uneasy sa pagkikita nila ng binata. Kakababa niya pa lang ng kotse sa tapat ng coffee shop na pinag-usapan nilang meeting place at tila nais niya nang umuwi. Tinapangan niya ang sarili. Humugot nang malalim na hininga at humakbang na papasok ng shop.

She didn't know what he looked like. Napalinga-linga siya sa paligid. She saw a tall guy na tumayo at kumaway sa direksyon niya. It must be him. Wait. She frowned. Ito ang lalake na nakabangga niya noon sa beach. Ang tinawag ni Harry na 'Lucas'.

I guess Lucas is his last name. She thought.

Biglang nagsitayuan ang kanyang balahibo. She can't describe her uncomfortable reaction when she saw him. Bigla nais niyang mag walk out but she resists. She let out a long, heavy sigh. There will be a time when you need to confront a deceitful person to uncover the truth. All you need is to be courageous.

"Liza..." he said as she stood before him. He seemed anxious, his anticipation evident.

Alright. He had a commanding, masculine presence and was undeniably attractive. However, Liza had a nagging suspicion that he might be dangerous as well. He seemed adept at pretending to be something he might not be. She hoped she was wrong.

"I assume you're Gerald," she said, her voice trembling despite her efforts to conceal it. She wondered why she was suddenly feeling this way.

"Yes, that's right. I'm Gerald," he replied, "Gerald Lucas," and grinned widely, displaying his white teeth.

She nodded. "I see..."

Iginiya siya ng binata reserve table. "I've already placed an order for us. I hope that's alright with you," Gerald said as they settled in.

Liza nodded. "Thank you," she replied curtly.

The waiter delivered two espresso macchiatos with a side of dark chocolate cake. Matagal silang hindi nagkibuan. Tahimik sila habang humihigop ng kape.

Gerald finally broke the silence after a long pause. "I heard about what happened," he said with a sigh. "The accident you were involved in five years ago." His face showed deep regret and sorrow. "I... I'm sorry."

Napaangat siya ng tingin dito. Liza could tell whether he was sincere. Sa nakikita niya ay mukhang totoo naman ang paghingi nito ng sorry.

"I heard you lost your memory..." Gerald continued. "The accident must have been severe..."

Liza nodded in agreement. "That's correct," she said. "I was in a coma for nearly six months, and when I woke up, I couldn't remember anything. I didn't even know my own name." She went on to describe the events in detail, shivering as she recalled what happened five years ago.

Gerald made a heavy sigh. Nakaramdam siya ng matinding guilt at galit sa sarili. Somehow, isa siya sa naging responsable na naging miserable ang buhay ni Liza na siyang naging dahilan kung bakit ito naglayas dati at naaksidente.

Gerald extended his hand across the table to gently grip her palm. "I'm sorry, Liza."

Imbes makaramdam ng comfort ay kakaibang kilabot ang kanyang naramdaman. Binawi niya ang palad na hawak nito. "I'm sorry to ask, but... What did you do back then? Why do you look so guilty?" Liza asked, her curiosity clearly piqued.

Biglang natigilan si Gerald. Binalot ng lungkot at labis na pagsisisi ang mukha nito, napailing-iling at napa buga ng hininga. "I've done something terrible and dreadful, Liza," he confessed. "And you're so mad at me."

Liza gave him a very serious gaze. "I'm all ears," she said very eagerly.

Sa tila nahihirapang paraan ay ikinuwento ni Gerald ang nangyari. Ang sa kung paano siya nasaktan sa ginawa nitong pagtanggi sa kanya at ang pakikipagsabwatan nito kay Ellen. Pati na rin ang paglagay nito ng pampatulog sa kanyang inumin hanggang sa nangyaring insidente sa pageant. As implausible as that was, Liza also felt outrageous. I Hindi siya makapaniwala that someone was capable to do such horrible things?! That explains why Harry and her parents were so upset with her. Naalala niya ang napanaginipan. Iyong galit na galit si Harry at nasampal siya ng kanyang Daddy. Dahil iyon sa kagagawan ni Gerald at ng babaeng si Emily di umano na hindi niya naman maalala. Napailing-iling siya.

"Why did you do such things? What had possessed you?" she asked. May bumangon na galit sa kanyang dibdib. Kaya pala ganun na lang ang reaksyon niya nang makita niya ito sa beach dati. This man causes her severe trauma.

Gerald shook his head. Tila nais nitong maiyak. "I... I was madly in love with you, Liza!" he cried. "And I still do even now!" He said, "When I learned the terrible news about you, and everyone thought you were dead, I was devastated." He explained. "I truly apologize."

Strange. Imbes na maawa ay kinilabutan siya and she wanted to leave.

"Please forgive me, Liza." Gerald went on.

Liza stared at him incredulously. "Believe me, Gerald, I did want to forgive you. But now that I've heard that... It's going to be tough to—"

"Liza." Muling inabot ng binata ang palad niya sa mesa at hinawakan iyon nang mahigpit. "All I'm asking is your forgiveness and a second chance."

She frowned. "Second chance?" Pilit binabawi ang kamay but he won't let go.

"Yes. A second chance. A chance to love you. To be your man. I still love you, Liza." pagtatapat nito.

Napamulagat si Liza sa sinabi nito. Bigla nakaramdam ng takot sa nakitang obsession dito. "Please let go of my hand," she said flatly.

Gerald let go of her hand.

There and there, Liza made a choice. She has a bad feeling about Gerald. "I'm very sorry, Gerald. But I don't see how I could---"

"Is it because of Harry?" he asked with resentment.

Yes. Sabi ng utak at puso ni Liza.

Hindi niya man maalala ng lubusan si Harry, sa palagay niya ay labis niya itong mahal noon na kahit nakalimot ang utak niya ngunit hindi ng puso. Kaya nga paulit-ulit niyang ipinagkaloob ang sarili rito. Harry fills in the last of the pieces in her jigsaw. It was as though a puzzle piece had been reassembled when she first laid eyes on him.

"I... I think I'm still in love with Harry," she mumbled.

Suddenly, ay binalot ng galit ang mukha ng binata. "Are you sure? Your entire memory has been erased. Hindi mo siya naaalala?" tanong nito sa nagbabagang mata.

This caused her to sigh. She finally admitted, "My brain may not remember him, but my heart does."

What Gerald heard deeply hurt him. "Really?"

"We have a son—"

"I can be a father to your son—"

"No." She shook her head. "I'm sorry." aniya at tumayo na. "I had already heard what I needed to hear. I have to leave."

Liza believed she saw something frightening on Gerlad's face at the time. Pagkasuklam ang nakita niya sa mukha nito. Nakakatakot. Ngunit saglit lang iyon. Bigla iyong naglaho at napalitan ng lungkot. Or was she hallucinating?

"All right," he said, sighing. "I'll simply call you if—"

"You don't have to," she said. "I'd appreciate it if you stopped contacting me." aniya at tinanguan ito. "I appreciate you telling me about what happened before."

"Liza..."

"Excuse me," she said politely at nilisan na ang lugar na iyon.

********

Wala na sa harap niya si Liza ngunit nakatayo pa rin si Gerald habang nakatingin sa pinto kung saan ito lumabas.

His chest hurts so badly it's killing him. He will always view Liza as a distant star. Unreachable. Elusive. Unattainable. If he does nothing, it will stay that way.

Napakuyom palad siya. Napatagisbagang. No. He will put up one hell of a fight before giving up. He is stubborn and refuses to give up. In all his years, he has never been more confident. He's only ever had eyes for Liza. At gagawin niya ang lahat mabawi lang ito kay Harry Fortaleza!