OVERLOOKED ㅤkotlc

067

I mean to tell Rosaleen, but I don't.

I almost do many, many times, but my words always get caught in my throat, and maybe I can force them through, but when she asks if I'm okay, I always say yes and move on.

I don't see Ruy, Melia, or Alvar at dinner. I don't see them during training. I go to Melia's healing dome and she isn't there. I force myself to knock on their doors and no one answers.

It's only been a day, but things are changing. Maybe they hate me now.

I think Rosaleen knows something's wrong. We sit together on her bed (I'm hiding by not being in my room), playing cards on the uneven comforter.

I absent-mindedly place cards, going through the motions as my mind runs a nervous marathon.

There's a knock at the door and that's enough for my mind's runner to trip and fall. I tense, glancing at Rosaleen, who looks more concerned with me than with the knock.

"You're shaking," she says.

I don't know what to say, so I just nod. "I'll get the door," I say.

I get up, walk to the door, and open it. Ruy, Melia, Alvar. They look more tired than mad.

Rosaleen leans forward, catching a glimpse of them. "Hey," she calls, her voice curious.

They don't reply, and she definitely catches on. She probably takes note in her head. She probably sits up straighter and analyzes my shaking hands.

"Can we come in?" Melia says. Her voice is still kind, but polite and unfamiliar.

"Y-Yeah." Now She probably notes my shaking voice. It seems that every part of me shakes.

The three walk in, and Alvar closes the door behind them. Ruy doesn't look at me directly, and they look us down as if it's the last and final time.

I swallow, glancing behind me at Rosaleen. She looks betrayed for a moment, because now she knows I've been hiding something from her. But her expression steels and she puts it aside.

I wish I leaned on logic.

Rosaleen gets up from the bed to stand by my side. Her presence is steady. "What's going on?"

Melia and Ruy share a look, like, she doesn't know?

A sort of shame stings. They held me to that standard, and in a strange way, I've let them down.

"You have to leave," Ruy says. He sounds cold. Scary. Like the bad guy. "Like, now."

Rosaleen frowns. She looks at me, and I don't look back.

"What? Why?" she says. She's defensive now. "Are we in trouble?"

"Yes." Alvar now, his voice firm. I shrink into myself, because I've forgotten that this trio could probably kill me if they wanted to. "Dex didn't tell you about his snitching?"

Rosaleen pieces everything together and turns to me. I can't see the look on her face, because I'm not looking. "What did you do?"

She knows what I did, but she still wants to hear it from me. Because I'm scared and kind of defensive and a jerk, I mumble something about her already knowing, because she's smart.

"What the hell," Rosaleen says softly under her breath. She doesn't say it meanly, but I still flinch. I don't think it's directed to me. I don't know. I've never heard her genuinely curse. "Why?"

"I panicked? I don't know? I shouldn't have, I know." Everyone's eyes burn into me. They feel accusatory, because perhaps I've tipped their worlds upside down or dangled their life above flames.

Rosaleen whispers something I don't catch then turns to, what, our enemies? She turns to them. "Give us one more night," she pleads. "I have to say goodbye."

"We can't do that," Melia says. It sounds like an apology.

Something inside me says Stop sounding so kind, but that's all I hear because I think everything in me is empty. I wish I would do something other than observe, but I stay still and watch.

"Melia, please," Rosaleen says. Her voice undertakes something vulnerable, and I know it's about her sister. "I have to say goodbye. Please."

Maybe it's because her voice cracks. Ruy touches Melia's arm. "Tomorrow morning," he says. "5 AM. Meet us in the Sunroom."

We can't do anything but agree. They leave.

Outside, I hear questions and fake laughter. Yeah, we just talked to them about something, I hear. Of course! We'll go now, have a good night! You too!

When the door shuts, Rosaleen turns to me. To my warped self, it feels like she turns on me.

I am still empty.

I think she is too. She says, "Why?" again.

The feeling I'm suspended in feels like a long ringing that slowly pierces your skull. Does that make sense? I say, "I told them. I'm sorry I told them."

Silence. "(You could've asked me about this. I could've helped.)"

"I thought..." No, I didn't think. I panicked. "I don't know."

"Dex, she's here."

"I just thought..."

Is this an argument? Everyone here's mad at me. (It's unfair to think that, the dead and rational part of myself chastises.)

"You know, she's part of the Neverseen." I don't mean that. "At least we're safe, and we got the information." I don't mean that, either. "She doesn't even remember you."

Rosaleen doesn't flinch. But now she's hurt, too, and I'm screwing everyone up.

"She's still my sister." Her words are cool and sharp.

"She doesn't care about you." I match her. I don't sound like me.

"What, and you do?"

How do I answer that? She knows I do.

A part of me whispers, I want to say something mean, to hurt her back.

So I say, "Yeah, I do, even after you left me for two weeks." I should stop.

But now she's angry because she's hurt, and I'm angry because I'm sad, so we take it out on each other.

"I told you I had a good reason." Rosaleen narrows her eyes. "I'm sorry, but you're only the boy I love. She's my sister." And she comes before you.

Her eyes say, Leave. Please. We're gonna regret this. 

She's so smart. I don't listen. "We came here for the mission, not your sister. It's not my fault that she's getting in the way." I don't mean this, I don't mean any of this, can this all? just? end?

"Can you go, please?" She cries because of me. "Can you just go?"

I'm so angry that I'm tearing up, too, or maybe it's because I'm sad or maybe it's because I just want everything to stop and I want to hurt the way I hurt everyone else and maybe

I listen to her. I leave.

˚ ༘ 🌷 ── author's note!

in which everything goes wrong

lmk if any of this felt out of character or weird !!!! this argument was really bitter and idk repressed in each of them or smth like that, so i rly hope i did it justice?

i also hope it just makes sense in general <///3

writing emotions r hard man, i have never infiltrated a rivalling rebel group, befriended my enemies, and discovered my once-thought-dead sister forgot me