The X File

2-15-15

The fact that I think so much about being in a relationship but don't do anything towards getting into a relationship seriously baffles me to the max. I mean I come up with all these scenarios in my head based off of fanfictions and fictional stories and movies that I know aren't real but apparently, in my head, all these fake made up stories make perfect sense. I know I'm the reason why I'm not in any relationship but I mean I honestly don't think I'm ready for that type of commitment yet. I know we aren't talking marriage but a relationship is serious and I don't think I'm at a place to take it seriously just yet. I need to focus on school and working right now you know, making a life for myself before I focus on some guy and giving half, maybe most, of my time to him. And yes I live in my head and fantasize over situations that will never happen in real life. For example, me dating a famous YouTuber or singer. But what's even more made up is me dating my best friend. Like how stupid can I be? I know he doesn't like me, yet I manage to dream about us dating every night and I really need to stop, but the truth is I can't seem to stop for the life of me. I guess it's that mentality of 'get what you want no matter what it takes' but if it means losing one of the only true friends that I have, is it really worth the risk? I guess not.

I just think I'm one of those people who secretly want that fairytale relationship that I always read about. You know the ones where the two best friends hang out with each other all the time, the guy falls for the girl, they date for a while, get married, have kids, and live happily ever after...yeah I secretly want that. I don't think I show it on the outside, I may I don't know, but that's always been a dream of mine. I never hung out with friends like a normal teenager, I always buried my head in books or was in the hospital or traveling so I never got to have that experience. Not that any of my friends wanted to hang out with me anyway. I always felt I was the outsider of my friends, the one who was different. And there's nothing wrong with that, it's just I felt like I didn't fit in, and to be honest I still don't think I fit in with them. I mean I'm not that into girly-girl things like shopping and parties and stuff. I'm more into music, BMX, extreme sports, UFC, and video games. No wonder I get along with guys so well, but I'm a girl and they're not so some things I can't talk about with them. I mean you try telling a guy you have a crush on this guy and you don't know what to do about it. Like that would be totally awkward. But I do have a few friends who I can have a real text conversation with.

Oh yeah, that's another thing. I'm not into talking on the phone. If I don't have to then I'm not doing it. I don't do awkward silences and long pauses and I can't seem to say the right stuff when I'm on the phone so I'd rather text. Yes, text messages can be screenshot and saved forever but I can say stuff in a text that I can't say on the phone or in person. For example, I could be talking to my best friend and tell him he looks really hot shirtless or that his face is warm via text, but I can't say that to his face or over the phone. The mental stress that comes with facial and voice expression stress me out and I can't emotionally handle all of that. With a text, the most emotion I'm going to get is an emoji and I can handle emojis.