COUNTRY CLUB

TWENTY FOUR

I believe I found my soulmate, then I woke up in a empty bed, on the edge of falling on the cold hearted floor. I think I found my soulmate in the most mysterious places yet the cheesiest, on the bus; where I was navigating my way to escape that room. The strange thing of it all is that I found myself running out of the blue, I never run unless my life depended on it. Someone's hot breath hovered my neck, knowing that my heart has teeth I turned around carrying my death glare. The death glare couldn't last for a span of a breath, time froze and the art of contact turned into a practical experiment. To the devil with the world, nothing really mattered that moment, my bones stood somewhere between melting and thickening, tightening around my skin. His eyes were beautiful, but they didn't have the dark lustrous flare that yours have. Even though his face couldn't last as an everlasting memory inside my head, I saw your face in everyone, your face is engraved inside the deepest layers of my brain. I don't know what do they call the part of one's brain that secretes the joy hormone, I guess it was serotonin, dopamine. I called it after you. It's not the first time I see my soulmate, but this time was brutal. My soulmates and my fate are rivals, they loathe each other but get along when it comes to ruining my aura. My soulmate couldn't survive one day after we met, he lost both of his eyes and his left leg, from the thigh all the way to his toes. He never spoke to me ever since, I ruined him with just one touch, for nothing survives after getting in contact with my skin. I linked my arm with his thinking we could survive this, we walked around the city like two normal people. We weren't normal people, I am a catastrophe dressed in preppy clothes and given a tragically pretty name. While he, he wasn't you. I kept following him for days, watching him from cracked windows, watching him watch me through his sunglasses. It sent shivers down my spine every single time. His name rhymes with the moon, to be named after the moon meant being blessed by the sun.

It's been two weeks ever since they've settled in the unknown. A part of their survival ritual consisted of reading excerpts from the journal, they finish reading it the day one of them gives up the ghost. They were in the honeymoon phase, molding into each other easily when it came to living together. It wasn't the most peaceful phase, they snicker away from peace so they could breathe. There were nights where one of them had to be awake to collect the bullets that poked their front door; turning into a freckle faced soldier, still standing until the bullet. When Rafe would be awake, Dune would cry in her sleep, thinking about human destruction and how they became a part of it. Rafe would sit on the edge of the bed, his hand would rest on Dune's thigh as she would pretend to sleep on her side while she thinks about how could she give him her heart. After the shooters would get bored and leave, Dune would wake up and crawl towards Rafe, nuzzle her face into chest, sniff the intoxicating smell of cedar wood. It's been two weeks since Rafe quit cocaine. Dune tried to lure him into cooking with her, helping her turn the unknown into their home. Home loses its meaning when one of them perishes, she knew. They haven't heard anything about the Pogues, she didn't bother to ask; more likely, she didn't risk fighting with Rafe.

On Dune's shift of staying awake, she would read her journal to Rafe until he falls asleep. If he senses her scooting away he'd pull her back to him. He never had someone to seek refuge in, and she was sinking between heaven and disaster. One step forward to jump off a cliff and one step backward to live one more day for him. Sometimes she would catch Rafe annotate her journal, or a book he'd grab from the cottage's library. The cottage had a minuscule library, ten shelves or so; books about the misunderstood and the wicked and the vile.

Rafe wasn't entirely honest with Dune. Quitting cocaine gradually took its toll on his skin, one time she found him gliding a blade against his wrist. Another time was when he tried to shave, his hands shook uncontrollably he smiled at the sight of blood. This was their chance to start over, wasn't it?

"You can't keep doing this to yourself," said Dune on the tenth day of their settlement, she sat on her knees facing Rafe, who had his legs crossed. "You're doing much worse to yourself, I can't watch you take in the pain all alone. You are starving yourself, you can't look at yourself in the mirror. You don't want to recognize yourself. You cry in your sleep when I'm awake, you are plotting your death; it's like you're keeping your promise, that you would die for me."

"There's not enough food for the both of us, to be honest, but you are recovering from an addiction. You have to fuel yourself with food, I'm trying my best to eat. I haven't stopped thinking about the Pogues, the dead silence then the bullets barging through our window. I want you to promise me one thing, stop letting the devil feel like he won. Watching you bleed not only breaks me, it destroys my existence slowly. I never knew how cold the world was until I felt warmth here, with you."

"I'm trying, I'm really trying. I can change, I can be better. Why do you believe that? Why couldn't they see what you saw in me? Am I lie living inside a lie? I've said it a million times, but proved to me every time that I cannot change, I don't deserve to heal. Out of everyone, why are you choosing a new beginning with someone with a dead end?"

"Rafe..You're never too hard to be loved. If anyone in this world deserves to heal, then it's you. The world won't hold you by your throat anymore, your dad doesn't have any power on you anymore. You are an adult, but you always act like you are handcuffed by choice. Where are going with this?"

"Are you afraid of loneliness?"

"I've been surrounded by a lot of people, and I was lonely. Now that I am on my own, I'm not lonely."

"But you're not alone, you have me."

"Are you chasing your shadows? they've been coating your tongue with honey." chuckled Dune, caressing his cheek. Rafe rarely feels safe with anyone, he never felt safe with anyone. Yet he closed his eyes when Dune touched him, even when the lifeless would spit fire on their property, that's not actually their property.

"I don't know, I think it's from kissing you every moment of my existence. I wonder you taste the bitterness of mine, don't you?"

"To my lover I'd never lie." she whispered as she pulled his face towards hers. She plastered their foreheads against one another, it aroused goosebumps on his skin. You'll never learn from your mistakes, Dune.

"Are you sure about that, love?"

The lifeless came to life, cutting of their wrists and tongues. This time they banged on the door, while the lovers hid under the confined bed, where parts of the truth are scattered. Here you are, lying with an open heart, your tongue kissed your teeth.