COUNTRY CLUB

THIRTY SIX

I was never told how hard it was to stand eye to eye with reality. I feel like I was put in a box, was told by a man to stain my hands in blood and alas, enjoy it. I never liked to make the right decisions, nor label my addictions, nor lick blood from in between my teeth. I guess that i am stuck in my own brain, rebelling against nothing, against something I believed would knit my wings up the sky. But here's the truth, my wings were stolen. The person who stole my wings smiled smugly at me, without any flake of mercy, crocodile tears washed down his face; not because he ever loved me, the wind spat across his face for killing the space between the sky and the sea, not because he wanted to leave me behind. 

One gun shot, two, three shots. He poked the cloudy sky with his firearm, turning the sky into a sweatshirt full of holes. Dune slouched, her neck glued to her shoulders. Tears ran down her face, she's alive, he couldn't kill her. "Tell me what to do, tell me what could replace watching you die without having to kill you? Maybe I am running away from you, maybe I am trying to escape you but fucking guess what? I carved you a letter on a fucking tree and watched you until you woke up. I wanted to see you alive for one last time. Maybe I am not doing this for the both us, maybe I'm not aware of what I am saying because I'm high as fuck."

"You're high? you're using again?" the lump grew wider in her throat, took all the space she needed for air to run through her body. The words stuck down her throat created a traffic jam, for a moment, the hardest thing of her existence was to create a sentence. We were this close to survive, she thought. 

"Throughout this journey, despite all my faults and sins I vowed not to let you down, and every time i detached myself from letting you down, you did everything in your power to watch the world fall from my eyes. You've let me down, went behind my back to snort cocaine off your sleeve instead of my body, not just that, you're jumping off a ship full of people you don't know without me. What have I ever done to you?" she screamed at him, pushing him roughly multiple times until he fell on his back. She snatched the gun from him and shoved it into his mouth. She kneeled down to meet his eyes, the eyes of a soulless fugitive who couldn't seem to differentiate between being loved and being betrayed. The heaviness of the gun dried out his mouth, making him choke on his own saliva, you never win when you let down the people who love you most. 

"I never wanted you to fear me, all I wanted from you was to trust me, respect me, love me. Instead, you lured me into fearing you, pulling you out from your misery, letting you lead me on blind-folded. I should have known the moment you screamed your lungs out to the sea, I should have known that one day you're going to stab me in the back. The Pogues would have never done that to each other, not even accomplices, maybe you'll always be the enemy after all." she hissed, her teeth grind against each other like the screech of a violin; goosebumps freckled his arms and neck; his eyes widened. I underestimated her, what have I done? he thought. 

Pulling the gun out of his mouth, he let out a dry cough, looking for air. However, she had air wrapped around her fingers, within the enclosed space between them, in between the sky and the sea. She didn't want things to move in that direction, he broke her heart and the pieces scattered all over the ship. It was time to go, it was time for him to go.

"I wrote in my pages once that if the lover shifts into being the enemy, I have no choice but to let him go. You've always been the enemy, and I couldn't let you go all along. I thought you could change, every time i looked in your eyes and no longer saw threads of red I felt accomplished. I guess we're both addicted, and our addictions vary in shape and form and kind. You could always find cocaine, but I could never find someone like you."

She handed him the gun and kissed the corner of his lip before jumping into the water. He pulled her back, wrapped his arms around her; chest to chest, his face nuzzled into her neck. Sound waves electrocuted her skin as he spoke, "I'm sorry, I'll come back, for the both of us. This is not the end of us, Unela."

"No Rafe, what we had ended the night you stabbed Ward to death, if he were dead anyway. Go back to your family, to the gold. I'm sorry for letting you go through this."

Trying her best not to weep, she jumped into the water without looking back. If i had learned one thing from you, it'd be the levitating act of not drowning, she thought as she swam back to the shore. 

"I love you Unela, I love you so much. I'll be back before you know it. I love you, believe me." screamed Rafe as the ship took off, about time, he watched her merge with the sand the farther she ship sailed. I've left a princess who knows how to crown herself without anyone's help. There's nothing scary about the world as long as she's alive. 

"I'm scarring myself, I know. I hate that I have no choice but to believe you, until the end of time."