Face To Face With The Devil

Chapter 36

TW: mentions of heavy pill usage

I was here, at his house. I couldn't put my finger on why I was feeling this way but all I wanted to do was run away and leave, forget that I'm supposed to be the person to help him because that's not me, I don't help people.

So how was I supposed to make him feel ok when I haven't felt ok since the last time I laid eyes on him.

I shoved the airheads that I had picked up at the gas station on the way here and put them in my pocket. After five days all I needed was to see him, hear that he is ok. Just anything, I needed to know if my Sebastian was ok.

I put my car in park and stepped out taking a deep breath debating if I could do this or not, every step I took made me want to go back, I was a foot away from his door and just as I was about to lift my hand to knock this overwhelming feeling came over me, I couldn't do this.

What if I wasn't good enough for him, what if all he wanted to do was be left alone and he has my annoying ass to deal with, I can't help him when I don't know how. I put my fist down and sighed leaning my back against the door, deep breaths, you can do this.

I stood there for four minutes trying to muster up the courage to knock and wait for the familiar footsteps to come down the stairs, another two minutes went by and I was slowly losing the minimal courage I had left in me, I can't do this, I can't be that person for him.

This could be my out.

I thought to myself as I walked away from the door and sat down on his steps hoping he would see me and come outside, I could leave right now and not have to worry about breaking his heart later on, it was perfect.

All I had to do was leave, never come back, just leave.

But I couldn't, just like I couldn't knock on his door, just like I couldn't say I love you to my dad. I can't do anything and I'm tired of it, I'm tired of being myself, I'm tired of living in my sad, little cruel life.

I hate it here, and the only person who made me feel better was the one who was behind the door hating his life just as much as I was.

I could never leave him right now even if the gang made me, I couldn't say goodbye knowing I'm leaving him like this.

Without thinking I stood up on my feet and walked up to the door, lifted my hand in the air and knocked on the hard wooden door. Two knocks that made me want to crawl into a hole and never come out.

There was no sound behind the door, no movement. I knocked again but harder this time, I knew he was home because his car was in the driveway.

I could hear the sound of faint footsteps coming down the stairs and my body filled with relief, the footsteps stopped but the door did not open, "Seb." I spoke out loud enough that I knew he could hear me.

I rested my body against the door and let myself lean against the hardwood, I put my hand on the door handle but it was locked. I hate everything.

"Sebastian," I said once again wishing he would let me in, not just into the house. I could hear Seb on the other side of the door and I knew he was sitting down on the floor with his back on the other side, just like me.

"Seb fucking let me in."

After five days I was mad, I hated him for not telling me anything, I hated how he could just leave everyone like that, without one word to any of us. 

"Faith get the fuck out of here," his voice was way too coarse and deep, something was wrong. I stood up from my position and shook the doorknob again trying to open up the door but it was locked just as before.