You're dead to me

Chapter thirty-three: You're Not Okay, But Someday You Will

TW: EMOTIONAL WRECK!!!

The sun was about to get down, when we finally arrived at home. On the way here, I couldn't stop tearing up. I made sure that Giovanni doesn't notice though. Is it so wrong from me to keep people at distance, isn't that the way you are protecting your heart? That's what I did with Eden and look where I am at. I still feel sad sometimes, not because of anyone, but I'm drowning in my own self pity.

I feel sorry for the person I became. I'm so disappointed in myself. The worst part of it all is, that Theresia always knew.

She knew it from the start.

She knew that its gonna break me and then bend me in the right place, replace my true self and give it another form.

I was just so fucking young and I couldn't understand her reaction, I felt disgusted with myself because for the first time she turned at me and it broke my little innocent fragil heart.

Am I so fucked up that even my sister is done with me? I know that she still hopes everyday that I will come home.

She dares to hope...

Return to my old me and old life. I claim the stairs in a rush and lock me up in the bathroom. With shaky fingers I pull open the water from the shower and pump into the wall. Slowly and with a lot of sobbing, I slide down to the floor.

I grip my knees to myself and cry. I scream out the pain, the pain that knocked me of day by day, but I refused to give in. To show anyone how fragile I am build. Father has turned me into a damn assassin with no heart, but he couldn't push down the girl that still believed in the good in me.

I failed not only my sister, but also my little girl. The tears slow down thick and ugly. "I wanna be someone else!". I scream and my voice goes under the water. I don't wanna be myself anymore. I'm just a fucked up Walmart version from someone who actually accomplished something in life.

My head gets thrown against the wall and the pain distracts me for one second, but the good feeling of a weight lifted up from your shoulder isn't worth it when everything goes crashing down at you again. How the waves pull down your body and your mind gets spooked by ghost from the past. A scream escapes my trembling mouth and I bite it down until I taste blood on my tongue.

Suddenly the door gets punched open. I can't see anything because of the tears, I only feel two strong hands wrapping around me.

"What happened?". I shake my head, I will not tell him anything.

Giovanni tilt's up my head, by lifting my chin. His black orbs pierce through the fog that has built up in the bathroom.

"Let me have a peace from your pain, I promise I'll make it stop".

Then there, in the middle of my misery, I broke down.

I keep shaking my head, my hands scratch into his shoulders when I lean onto his chest. "I...I-I don't wanna fucking be here anymore. I wanna die". I look at him. "Giovanni, I want to die, please...please just make it stop, MAKE THE PAIN STOP!". I scream on top of my lungs. My throat hurts but I deserve it.

I deserve every little thing that has happened to me since I decided to kill my own.

With hope and a broken heart, I gaze at him and beg, I beg so hard with a big will, he has to do something. For the first time ever, I see something in him that I have never ever even dreamed of experience. I see so much love.

Love...

Love for someone like me, someone who deserves to die just as painful as I made my victims do.

"Make it stop". I whisper and then he hugs my face with his hands and leans forward. "Some days I just sit and remember". He says and he says it with so much passion that I stop screaming.

His finger slowly wipes away some of my tears.

"I sit in my old room, touch the bed I used to sleep in, look at the picture that I used to love so much".

"Why did you stop loving them?". I ask and hold onto his wrists.

He smiles softly and caresses my cheek. His eyes go up to mine and holds. "Because I don't see me". And that right there was the most comforting sentence someone could ever say to me. It's so good to know that there is someone who goes through the same thing everyday. "Tell me more". I mumble and sniff.

"When I step into that room it feels like someone has opened up a different story. It feels like that body died a long time ago and you know what?".

"What?". My voice doesn't sound like my own anymore, it sounds so broken and fragile, like a child.

"You lose yourself trying to hold onto someone who doesn't care about losing you". He touches my chest, right above where my heart beats. "Because this cannot hold onto a past you, every beat your heart takes will continue to drag you away from your old you. That little girl that you used to were, it doesn't exist anymore. Whatever you'll do it won't be enough". I start crying again.

"Hey, hey, hey shh...shhh".

He kisses my forehead and just holds me tight, he swifts me from right to left. "Caroline, you're not okay". My heart breaks into tiny little peaces and this time no one can stitch them back together. "But...someday you will". Slowly I vanish into unconsciousness. The dark wraps around me warmly and maybe I didn't want to open my eyes ever again, but now I know, if I go, if I let myself down again, there will be someone who will cry about me. And maybe that keeps people alive, to put more effort in breathing than ever before, because you feel...loved