You're dead to me

Chapter forty-seven: Regret

The sun shines stubborn on my eyes and I groan. I roll over and my bones hit a second body. Slowly my sober mind clears up and I open my eyes, when the fog is cleared. I see tanned skin in my sheets and I tangle my legs out of them. My blond hair is falling down in a mess on my shoulders. „Wha...". The brutal reality hits me and I stare wide eye at Eden in my bed. „No no no no". I hurry to leave the bed and stumble over my dress and high heels. I curse and stop myself on the wall.

Ruffling fills the room and I press my lips together, glancing behind me. Fortunately he hasn't woken up and I run to the next bathroom. For the first time I am happy that the bathroom is not connected to my room. I feel sick, I feel awful and I shut the door close and run up to the sink.

With trembling hands, I wrap them onto the ceramic. Very slowly I look up into the mirror. My lips are still swollen and my eyes are hooded. Make up stains cover my cheeks and then I see what we had done the previous night. My throat and neck are covered in red to purple bite marks. My breathing hits and I tear my sight away. I can't even look at me right now. I hurry to the shower and open the water.

The sudden warm water splashed down on my used body and I grab soap and wash every inch of me. My eyes started crying and I sniff, struggling to rub the soap into my center. I pull my face up, meeting the water and continue rubbing my already numb and red skin. Next, I reach out for my shampoo and put the floral scent on them, I don't want to smell him anymore on me.

A constant reminder of what we did.

Cheating

The word halls in my mind and I bend down, because my knees buckle under me. I press myself on the wall and cry, I sob, I tear up all over again, until the room is filled with steam, and until the water really injuries me.

The cabinet is filled with towels and I grab one and wrap myself into the soft material. My bones feel like absolute shit and I start brushing my teeth aggressively, never once looking at the mirror again.

I pressure my mouth so bad, that I puke blood and spit it out. That's better, I feel relieved that I bleed. I should be bleeding till death for what I did. My eyes water again and then a panic attack swallows me down. I start screaming and crawl away from myself. I want to get out of this body, I want to die!

My back hits the wall and I grunt out of pain, I look to the door and walk up to it. Opening it and placing my hand in between. With a loud thumb the door shuts close, squeezing my hand together and I scream with a closed mouth. I open the door again and my heart flutters wildly. I look at my hand and shake. I continue the act five times, until I can't feel my fingers anymore.

At the sixth time, someone holds the door open and stares at me confused. Alessandro is dressed in a T-shirt and some pair of jeans. He reaches out for my hand and the hot and cold feeling snaps my body in half. I fall down and lean my head onto his chest.

Now I cry out of pain, real pain. He caresses my cheek and gentle rubs my back. „Shhh". stop crying Caroline, what happened?". I shake my head and my trembling lips can't from a proper sentence.

„I...I- can't". Again the panic let me stop breathing and he hugs me close. „Shh, shhh, you don't have to say anything. Breathe Caroline, breathe". I nod and breathe with him.

„Ok, can you stand up?". I try and he supports me, my hand is bleeding like shit and he leads me into the kitchen, where he puts a bandage over my knuckles. After he secured that, he places both hands onto he counter and bends forward, eyeing me intensively. „Caroline what had happened?". I avoid his stare and drop on one of the chairs.

I shake my head, until I imagine seeing stars.

„Tell me!". He demands.

I shoot him a suffering look. „I can't Alessandro, can't you understand, I can't tell you. I can't tell anyone!". I purse my lips and play with the bandage. I am horrified and frightened at the same time.

„I want to go home".

„You know, you cannot go home. You're trapped under the order". I know that, but a little peace of me hoped that he would understand me enough and bring me home.

Alessandro walks up to me and cubs my face into both of his hands.

„Caroline, you have to tell me". I hold his eyes and try to gather the words out of my mouth.

„C'mon you can do it". He rubs my knee and confidence me.

„I-...uhm...I, I cheated on Giovanni". I say shameful and drop my head, staring on his hand that now remains stiff. He takes in a sharp breath and I already know that he's about to scream at me, but nothing follows after that.

„Say something". I plead but he just gets up and leaves the kitchen. I whimper and hug my legs to myself and sigh frustrated, some loose tears travel down my cheek.

Muffling appears next to me and then Alessandro stops in front of me.

„Here". He holds out paper and pen and nods. I notice a little tattoo on his wrist.

„If you have no words to explain, than you have to put them onto paper, it is the best solution". I take them from him and look up to him once more.

„Caroline, there is nothing I can do, but I am sure if you write my brother a letter, he will understand". I obey and walk out to the garden. The sun hits my legs and just then I realize I am still clothed in a towel. That's why I get up and dress in a long oversized T-Shirt that I got from Giovannis old wardrobe. The employees around me start to clean up the place and I seat myself onto the big sofa.

As I wanted to start writing, Alessandro comes up and hands me a cup of tea. I smile shyly at he kisses my cheek.

I drop the pen down the paper.

My beloved husband Giovanni,
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