You're dead to me

Chapter sixty-seven: I Love You

I feel cold sheets under my hand and another one wrapped around my own. I groan as soon as I move my back out of place. Shuffling and then he's right next to me. His breathing brushes my cheek and I snuggle into his comforting scent.

„You okay, you're fine". Suddenly everything comes crashing down. The blood, the drive, the hospital, Giovanni screaming my name. I open my eyes, looking around terrified. "Shhhh". Giovanni caresses my cheek and puts my shoulders down onto the mattress.

"Is she okay, is she okay Giovanni?". I ask, tears pooling in my eyes. His dark orbs capture me and he stares at me. "Is she okay?!". I push, my heart races uncontrollably.

"Giovanni you need to tell me...I...I can't—is she fine?". His thumb swipes my tears away and he kisses me lightly. "Giovanni?". It dawns. My throat squeezes together and I reach for my belly, it feels empty and smaller.

Horror washes over me.

He gazes at me and starts talking slowly, like his words could cut me.

"They had to...there was no other way than practice a c-section on you. She wasn't stable and the risk was too high to wait. They put you on medication and...took her out". His voice is miles away and she is probably too. I only can take off little peaces of what he's saying. Cramps, needed to be done, blood...no heartbeat.

His warmth isn't there anymore and I slowly pull myself out of this black nothing. Giovanni moves around my bed and walks up to the window. "Where is she now?". Shaky voice, sweaty hands...no heartbeat.

no heartbeat

no heartbeat

no heartbeat

He sighs and shrugs.

"The doctors have just let me get to you, they said nothing about her". He goes silent and stares outside. His shoulders are lifting up heavy. "Caroline I am so scared".

I'm speechless and just gape at the wall toward me.

I want my daughter.

I want to see my daughter to hold her and vow her the best life I can give her.

The sun is setting when one nurse comes in with food. Giovanni rushes over to her and asks her for the doctor. She shakes her head pitiful. "They are trying to stable her, we cannot risk it to bring her here, but I am sure the doctor will drop by soon". With that she leaves and made me even more terrified.

***

Time goes so fucking slow, it's already after two am, but we both cannot fall asleep. Giovanni lies next to me, holding my hand. Silence is cutting deep cuts into my skin and I just wished I was conscious. At least to hear her scream, to make sure she has a heartbeat. I wanted it so badly, giving birth. I wanted to feel every little ounce of pain because than it would be real.

But they cut her out of me and brought her away, to stabilize her.

"I called your family". I wake up from my thoughts and look over to him. He hasn't shaved in a few days and dark spots caress his face. "You did?". He nods blankly and leans against my shoulder.

"Caroline, I promised...". He gasped for breath. "That I would protect you and I intend to keep that damn promis. Always remember that, mi amore". He looks at me almost pleading. "Okay". I nod and drop my eyes. His fingers intertwine with mine tight.

"I love you". I whisper into the dark, he doesn't say it back, but I don't need to hear it. I can feel his responds with just a little touch. Out of a sudden the door pushes open and a women with brown hair enters the room. We both get up, even though I still feel a little too lightheaded.

"Mrs and Mr. De'Bardi?".

"Yes?".

"We have been stabilized your daughter successfully for now". Giovanni drops his head and I smile.

She is a fighter.

"I am sure all you want is to see her, come this way please". She leads us to the room full of little babies who are in those little caskets.

"We are still working on her heart, she has some trouble breathing. That's normal for babies who are born way too early, in this case, we are very careful. Rarely a baby get's delivered in only the sixth month.

She smiles at us and leaves.

"Which one Giovanni?". I ask and steady myself on his arm. "There". He whispers and points at the tiniest baby I have ever seen with black hair and in a baby pink jumper. A noise comes out of my mouth and my hand travels up to my heart.

I wanted nothing more than to tear the glass down and hug her to my chest.

"She looks just like you". I mumble and he stays put. "I want to hold her so bad, Caroline". His eyes are suspiciously shiny. "Yeah me too". A tear escapes me. I want her heart to beat by itself, that she is able to breath and grow up healthy.

We stay like that for two hours, admiring our daughter. A nurse comes by at four am. "We will take her out now to change her diapers, you want to hold her". We both agree in an instant.

The nurse goes up to the little baby and rolls her out. Only the little blue light from the room illuminates the hallway. She opens up the casket, she is connected to multiple breathing and heart devices. She picks her fragile little body up and hands her to Giovanni. I can see his hands shaking.

Giovanni puts her on his chest and his both hands almost make her disappear completely.

And there it is.

Tears, real tears rolling down his cheeks as he starts to swing his body back and forth. Kissing her forehead and looking down at her.

"She is so beautiful". The nurse smiles. I reach out to touch her. Her warm body fills a part in me that I didn't even knew existed. My lips tremble as Giovanni helps me to hold her.

I sob out. "God she's so tiny". Her little mouth moves to the side a bit. I pat her back and try to not hug her to tight.

"If she stays like this over night, we could bring her to the room". I laugh. "We would love that". I didn't want to give her away and when she left my body I wanted to feel her little fingers on my skin again.

I watch her going with the nurse. She turns around. "Oh quick question, what's her name?". Giovanni and me look at each other.

"Her name is Eliana Lorine De'Bardi". I say.

"Very good choice".

"Eliana Lorine born on the third of may at 11:11". Giovanni mouths and I lean my head onto his chest.