Home is You

Chapter 10

Liam

I don't even know if I truly comprehend what Dr. Roberts just said or described to me. I feel as if I am in an alternate universe. When I went there, I never expected to get news like that. I was sure, it was going to be something minor or something easily fixed or cured. I hate myself for not realizing the signs sooner. It would've saved a lot of grief on all accounts.

As horrible as I feel about lying to Steffy about when my next appointment was, I'm glad she wasn't there. I don't know if I could've watched the devastation and worry that would've ultimately formed on her face at the diagnosis.

I need time to think and figure things out. I know Steffy would mean well, but I can't handle the "feel sorry for Liam," that I know she'd give me. I still firmly believe that it is not her burden. Unfortunately, there won't be much I can do, without tell her what is going on. I know she is going to pester me about when my next appointment is, what happened. I love and appreciate her dedication, but it's too much.

As if the truth of the diagnosis wasn't painful enough, the thing that hurts me the most is the thought of not being able to be what Steffy needs in a man. It's my favorite thing in the world to see her come undone beneath me as we come together. There is no greater feeling than watching Steffy in the throes of ecstasy and being inside of her. I know what coming together does to her, to me and us. She craves those moments just as easily and consistently as I do. Not to be able to give her that destroys me. She may say she doesn't need it, it doesn't matter, but I know Steffy and her body so intimately that I know it's a basic need for her. Never being able to give her a soul shattering release again is not acceptable.

I dial Steffy on my Bluetooth, trying to steady the car from drifting at the same time. It takes her a couple rings before she picks up.

"Liam?" she answers. "Are you okay?"she whispers as I hear her close a door.

"Yeah," I say before continuing. "Oh crap, I'm sorry," I say in realization that Steffy did say she had a meeting this morning before she left the house. "I forgot about your budget meeting. Sorry. You can call me back."

"Liam, are you okay? You sound a little off."

How does she do that? She knows immediately through a ten second phone conversation that I sound a little off.

"Yeah, I'm fine.... I was just calling about dinner. Did you have any plans for what you wanted to do about dinner?"

"Oh, I hadn't thought about it yet. I'm swamped here at the moment. I'm probably going to be a little later than originally planned, so I can just grab a couple pizzas on the way home, if you are good with that?"

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll see you at home, Baby."

"Okay, love you."

"Love you too. And Steffy?"

"Yeah?"

"Better be ready tonight. I have a lot of making up to do, for the past few weeks...the times I fell asleep and for all the missed opportunities of making love."

I immediately hear her breath hitch over the phone. I know that she is currently licking her dry lips at the thought of what is too come tonight. I feel the heat rise in me as well, thinking of Steffy crying my name.

I think of all the fun we are going to have tonight. Then immediately the diagnosis comes through my mind and the painful symptoms that I may endure. Will I be able to perform for her? Will I be able to give her what her needs are? I decide no matter what, I will do everything in my power to make that happen. If I haven't had any dysfunction yet, why would I experience it tonight? I'm not allowing this to define me.