Home is You

Chapter 24

Liam

It's been four hundred and forty-seven days. It's been fifteen months since I last touched, heard her voice, or even glanced at my beautiful Steffy.I could even mark the seconds if I needed to. I thought with time that it would get easier and the heartbreak I feel would have diminished. I thought that the guilt that I felt for leaving would have faded over time, but the pain is still as deep, as it was, when I shut the door to the cliff house the day I left. Every day is a challenge, a challenge to breathe, a challenge just to be alive.

It was hard to cut all contact and leave them. I had to leave everything behind. I did what I had to do, so they can't ever find me. I withdraw all my cash; I deleted my social media, and canceled my phone so they can never trace me. I stopped using my credit cards and use only cash. I have a simple burner phone that can't be traced. I usually purchase a new one every few weeks, just in case. I live more or less been in isolation and in a remote part of Spain, out of the big cities, where there is a potential that someone could recognize me. I only go into the big cities when I have doctors' appointments.

I walk over to the desk that is in the corner of the room, and pick up the picture of Steffy. It's a headshot of her from the last line she modeled for. She absolutely looks stunning. Every time I look at a picture of her, I can't help but be stunned by her beauty. I feel like she gets more beautiful each time I look at her. God, I miss her so much. I long to hold her, to make love to her until my head is spinning. I want to be inside of her desperately. Just sitting here, staring at her I feel my member pulsate. I have not fully gotten off since I left her.

I feel like a recovering addict who is going through withdrawals, and has to have just a sip to keep him from not going insane. I feel it though. The need, desire and it pulls me. I try and fight it off a lot, because the only one who's touch is pleasurable, the only touch that rocks me to my core is Steffy's and I know I'll never have that again, so I settle, just to keep my desire, my need at bay. It's like taking in the no-name brand, it fills you, but doesn't leave you satisfied like your favorite name brand. When I feel the need, I take her picture and imagine what she looks like as I plow into her. I see her face clearly, and I hear her moan my name as if she is moaning it right next to me into my ear. Finally, when, I know I am there, I see her face smiling at me in my mind as I fall from the high.

Unfortunately, it does not happen often or as much as I need it too, as I am still dealing with side effects of the MS and the medication. I'm surprised that it has happened even as much as it has, due to the statics of impotency in people with MS. I smile to myself, guessing my desire for Steffy will never completely wane. What troubles me so much still after all this time is that if the needs arises for Steffy, I might not be able to perform, had I stayed. I do not want to deny her pleasure when she desires it. She deserves to have it all.

Since not being with her, I still feel as if I am dying a slow painful death. It's agonizing to be without her. I am not whole, and I will never be whole without her. I do carry her every day with me, but it isn't enough. As selfish as I am, I want more. I've tried every which way to get her out of my head and heart, so living the rest of my life without her would be less painful, but it's impossible. She's just so overwhelmingly present in my life, in all aspects that there is nothing I can do to change it.It's been a horrible struggle. I don't want to move on, but I know I must if I don't want to live in agony the rest of my life.

"What I would give to touch you, Baby."

I imagine every day what she is doing, what life is like for her and the kids now. I wonder if she has found forgiveness and let go. I wonder if she has found someone to satisfy her in a way I cannot. I kick myself for not thinking about getting annulment papers drawn up again to release her from the marriage. It is too late though now. If I sent them now, I would give up everything that I have done to disappear. Maybe after a certain amount of time, my dad will be able to pull some strings and help Steffy dissolve the marriage.