Breaking Clarisse ***completed***

22. Sold

It was too early for such things. I tried to stop myself from falling into a frenzy. This didnt feel like my life.

What? I bellowed nervously. How could you. Elijah I know you don't want to do this. I pleaded looking into empty eyes.

This is what shock felt like. I think that's what this was. I literally stopped breathing. I was looking at myself from outside. Staring back at myself as if I was in a movie. This isn't my life. It can't be mine. This isn't shock this is panic. I felt myself convulse my stomach turned inside folding inside itself. My insides trying to push up and out of my throat. My skin felt twisted and numb. I was scared.

Right now I wanted to be dead. I always wondered about those out of body experiences that people sometimes would talk about, like they weren't real. I felt ill. The room spinning around me so fast. Like I was on a ride at the carnival. I wanted it to stop. I closed my eyes hoping that it would.

Breathe...breathe...

When I was a little girl she would take me for walks around the creekbed. My mom and I would watch the water force its way down the dirt bed taking the branches and leaves with it. One day a little squirrel got caught in some twigs while running from a bird and drowned before us. It was the first time I ever really felt a sense of loss and I asked her why does God allow things to hurt his creations. She always told me it was the natural order of things to work in ways that follow for his will. I never understood it and always felt indifferent because of it. I just couldn't accept that whatever happens to us is the way it was meant to.

After the rush of panic I felt nausea and the dizziness turned to exhaustion. Then a feeling crept back in like a long lost friend. A feeling I hadn't felt since arriving at this home. A hopelessness that came with being taken and ripped from a life I once had. Suddenly I wasnt me anymore.

Clarisse was gone now. Was I Kylie again,, no I pondered. No I wasn't her either..

He actually sold me back to the traffickers. When he said it again an anger made its way inside.. becoming apart of me, mutating with my DNA to create something else.

A numbness came over me almost like I decided enough was enough and started to stuff all emotion into a hidden cabinet where I in turn threw away the key. So thats it huh. Do I even get to say goodbye to her?

I think its best if you didn't he said non chelatantly. He gestured for them to take me. I didnt even fight. I dont know if I couldn't or that I just wouldn't. I looked down at my legs moving but I couldn't feel them. I couldn't feel anything anymore. I took a long look at him before walking out the door. I expected to remember our times together almost like saying goodbye to him for a final time would give me some kind of closure but that didn't happen. Instead I didnt think about him at all. It was as if time with him was just an act. It was as if I expected myself to be sad or scared but I wasn't. As we pulled away I didn't even bother to look back.

Instead I watched the rain fall from the foggy window. I let out a deep puff and watched the glass fog up as we drove. Trying to stay distracted by anything. Anything at all. The drops moving to center itself and merge with the other drops like it was meant to happen that way. Maybe it represented my life and this is exactly how it was always suppose to go. I wanted to cry but couldn't. I even imagined her face and how sad she'd be at not getting to say goodbye and still I couldn't force one tear. Something else was happening inside me. I felt a volcano bubbling up. Ready to explode.

I looked over at the two fools driving and I imagined bashing their heads in together, knocking them out. Maybe the car would slide into on-coming traffic and we would all die right hear and now. The thought didnt even scare me. It brought my thoughts back into reality. And I realised that maybe I just wasn't there yet. It made me question if I could actually be capable of doing something like that. A part of me wished I really could be that person. At least it put a smile on my face.