Downton Abbey: All Is Fair In Love And War

You're Not A Bad Man, Thomas

Downton Abbey,
April 1919

"Thomas Barrow, what are you doing out here?" Mrs Hughes said, walking over to the sobbing man, standing beneath the grand Windows of Downton Abbey.

"N-Nothing Mrs Hughes" He said with a sniffle, trying to wipe his eyes quickly as he tore his longing eyes from the window he had been staring at with a great ache in his heart.

"Heaven's, what is the matter?" She took a hold of Thomas' shoulder as he had failed to silence his tears. "Come on, let's go inside and you can tell me"

Thomas shook his head with his gaze down at his shoes as he fought hard to keep his secret from spilling out of his broken heart; he was trying to stop himself from screaming everything he had kept to himself. For now he was alone at Downton, once again, to carry it all on his own two shoulders, now that Miss Sybil was gone as well. How could he tell Mrs Hughes? How could he tell anyone? It didn't matter what Sybil had said, they might know how he was bent but not who held his love — and that would be enough for anyone to shun Thomas further.

"We'll go to my sitting room for a nice cup of tea" Mrs Hughes said with a gentle voice and steered Thomas towards the servants' door. She looked over her shoulder as she did so and a face appeared in the window, a face that held sorrow, grief and longing as well. Suddenly it all fell into place for Mrs Hughes, in that moment many things made sense and Thomas reluctantly as well — but still she took the sobbing man inside,

There were a few stranglers in the servants' hall, two maids playing cards quietly to themselves and Daisy cleaning up the remains of a sorrowful dinner. Down the corridor Mrs Hughes took the trembling Thomas, gently rubbing his arms, trying to bring some heat back into his body. She sat him down in a chair and left to bring a tray of tea from Mrs Patmore meanwhile Thomas sat there, fiddling with his gloves, and trying to keep himself calm.

Mrs Hughes returned with the tray and set it down on the table between them. She prepared the tea while a kind smile was upon her face, a smile directed at none other than Thomas Barrow — who would have thought? Though the face in the window had made it clear, she knew this was about a broken heart, love that should not take place, and how Thomas was bent. Though she did not judge, nor was he the first she had encountered who was that way. She might not understand it, but she understood enough to know that Thomas could not change it no more than you could change the rain from falling.

"I have met other men of your sort in my life, Thomas," Mrs Hughes said and took the tea cup by its ear. She brought it close to her lips and blew on the hot beverage.

Thomas glanced up through dark eyelashes and his hand began to tremble even with his great attempts to seem unfazed by her words but his anxiety grew within him as she brought it up. "I am not quite sure what you speak of, Mrs Hughes" He lied, even if they all knew or suspected, but if he admitted it out loud...

Mrs Hughes simply smiled, she understood a man of Thomas' preference needed to be wary — for such things would not only bring shame and scandal but also a ticket to jail. "There will be no copper at the door, nor judgment upon my part, Thomas" Mrs Hughes said with sincerity

Thomas ran his hand over his water combed hair "You will judge me Mrs Hughes, it's too big of a secret, it's too much Mrs Hughes"

"I am not here to judge you, Thomas, and your secret will be safe here — it won't be my secret to tell." Mrs Hughes took her tea cup again "And you're not a bad man, Thomas, wounded and harsh — with a sharp tongue that causes more damage than it should, but you are not bad."

Thomas swallowed thickly, looking from his teacup to Mrs Hughes. "Why this kindness, Mrs Hughes? I have done nothing to deserve it, and you will surely think so if you knew — "

"We should all offer a little kindness from time to time, and you cannot have known much kindness in your life, Thomas, not in this world." Mrs Hughes said "I know you are hesitant, and I might not understand it but I know you cannot change who you are."

Thomas let out a heavy sigh and took a sip from his tea "Downton Abbey or prison, why does it matter?" He thought out loud "My wallowing heart sees no difference in it anymore, it's nothing but a cell either way..." Thomas pursed his lips together as he tried to make up his mind.

Mrs Hughes said nothing but poured them both some more tea from the pot. If it was so bad that it caused Thomas Barrow's heart to be broken, it must have been something incredibly powerful and true — since most believed him to be hollow and cruel. Though she had seen glimpses of a different Thomas after the war, and there had been one person he had given up a lot for — things she never thought Thomas would give up, position and power. It seemed foolish that she had not seen it before, but who would have thought that the other man involved was the same as Thomas? Absolutely no one. Which meant that Mrs Hughes was more intrigued than ever to know the details of such a grand scheme.

"So you wish to hear the stories then? They are not for the fainthearted" Thomas finally said, giving Mrs Hughes a quick and small smile before it faded once more.

"The fainthearted?" Mrs Hughes said with a smile of her own. "Now I must hear them."

"It's a long story, a story of love and war....I do not think one night is enough to tell it all" Thomas looked at the clock on the wall.

"There are no grand dinners for tomorrow, not in a house of grief— " She leaned back to get comfortable in her own chair " — so you tell me as much as we can fit in before we need to take to bed."

There was another silence as Thomas questioned, one last time, if he should tell Mrs Hughes — because once he spoke, that would be it, and the secret would be known to another one. It would be known to Mrs Hughes but he was at the end of his tether. There was also this strange comfort in Mrs Hughes' smile and her eyes seemed to hold genuine concern. Thomas took a leap of fate and let go of his hesitations — he had nothing left to lose.

"It all began in the war — among death, blood and mud" Thomas began "In the trenches was where me and Matthew Crawley fell love."