Downton Abbey: All Is Fair In Love And War

All Is Fair In Love And War

Downton Abbey,
January 12th 1920,
Evening

From the door Thomas saw only one thing, summer-sky eyes, and they were looking nowhere else but at him. Their eyes met and then Matthew smiled. He smiled at Thomas. Mrs Hughes reached up and pressed a kiss to Thomas cheek and Matthew gave Mrs Hughes a nod which made Thomas' eyes dart to the woman he had trusted with his deepest secret.

"Mrs Hughes? What did you — " Thomas said before his eyes came to meet Matthew's again.

Mrs Hughes just patted Thomas arm and then walked away from the man who stood there and she knew that her overstepping had done what it intended to do. Mrs Hughes welled up from knowing that Matthew had decided to fight one last fight and she closed the door to let the two be.

It felt like a lifetime, that the two just stared at each other, and there was a tension of emotions in the air. Thomas looked at Matthew with uncertainty, then a smile, then anger — but his love and longing never left Thomas' eyes. How long had he wished to stand before this man, and now that he was here, what was Thomas to do?

"Thomas..." Matthew said and took a step closer. "My darling — "

Thomas then took a deep breath and stood tall, or tried to — he tried to keep a brave face but he was crumbling from the way Matthew spoke to him.

" — I am so sor — "

"Sorry? Matthew Crawley, you are sorry?!" Thomas spat out at the man before him and he saw those gorgeous eyes filled with tears and Thomas fought the urge to embrace Matthew as he pleaded before him. "What are you sorry for?" Thomas then asked with a softer tone of voice and one piece of his heart attached to another — it was slowly beginning to unbreak.

"Because I was a fool, an utter and complete fool — " Matthew said and took one step closer to Thomas " — and clouds were set upon my head from all that happened, due to my own stupid mistakes."

Another piece of Thomas' heart became whole.

Thomas took a step closer to Matthew as well and he bit onto his lower lip while tears were teasing the edges of his eyes.

" — I blamed it on god, on a sin, I tried to blame it all away when truly, I was the only one to blame." Matthew continued his apology with his cheeks streaked from the tears he could not contain, nor would try to. This was Captain Crawley's final fight. " — I should have listened to my own heart, and how it yearned, and listened to the man it yearned for." Matthew now stood face to face with Thomas so close that their eyes reflected what they ached for — each other.

One more piece.

"There is no one to guilt but me, and my own fears — because it was not god that caused any harm, it was me while you, Thomas Barrow, stood by me through it all and I thought — " Matthew said and his voice cracked, then a hesitant hand came out to wipe a tear from his cheek and Matthew fell to his knees before Thomas. " — our love is not a sin, my darling, and hell is here on earth without you — and I may not deserve you but — " He looked up at the valet with his words of truth. Matthew Crawley was on his knees begging for forgiveness " — you're all I ache for, you're all I think about and there is nothing that can take you away, there is nothing — I am nothing but a walking corpse without your love."

Shard after shard of Thomas' heart attached together and soon he felt a slow beat within him again. Matthew stood on his knees, praying for him to return — Matthew Crawley was not praying before a god, but before Thomas.