Downton Abbey: All Is Fair In Love And War

A Spring Wedding

Crawley House,
February 1919

Mrs Crawley and Lavinia were sound asleep but in Matthew Crawley's room there were two secret lovers arguing in quiet voices.

"How far are you going to take this lie, Matthew?" Thomas hissed as he paced around in the room with Matthew sitting in his bed.

"If you have any clever ideas on how to get out of it, please enlighten me." Matthew argued back.

"Speak the truth, grow a backbone" Thomas snapped.

"That was too unkind, even for you Thomas," Matthew spat back. "Tell the truth? How can I whe—"

Thomas threw his arms in the air. He had quite had enough of the rambling about hell and sin, about God. "Oh I know, when how sinful it is, how every kiss we share will drag you deeper down in hell?" Thomas whispered but even so, the anger was still there in his voice. "Stop this insane God-fearing talk!"

"Maybe I have turned to fear God because before you I never sinned." Matthew said harshly but he instantly regretted it as Thomas' jaw clenched and his eyes had turned livid.

"So that is what you see me as, a sin? Well then Mr Crawley — " Thomas said with vile eyes and turned his back to Matthew. "I told you, in the shed as you sinned with me, that I would never be enough and I was right, I shall be nothing but something you pray forgiveness for." Thomas began walking towards the door as he could not stand to look at the man he loved above else any longer. A part of Thomas began to wonder if Matthew truly wanted to escape his betrothal to Lavinia.

Without thought, without reason and without thinking about it Matthew stood up and gripped Thomas' hand. "Thomas, please!" He begged and it caused Thomas to spin around. But Thomas didn't carry the expression Matthew had thought. No, Thomas' jaw had dropped at the sight of Matthew. Then Matthew suddenly realised why; he was standing. The tingles in his legs since the clock had struck to end the war had been more than an illusion — it was Matthew's legs regaining what he thought was lost forever.

Their argument seemed forgotten, for the time being, and Matthew felt Thomas' arms wrap around him, keeping him upright and preventing him from falling from exhaustion. Thomas settled Matthew back onto the bed, sitting next to him with his arms still tight around him.

"Can you feel my touch, Matthew?" Thomas asked as his palm came to caress the bruise and then moved further down. Matthew nodded and his face lit up in a grand smile.

"I can feel your touch, I can feel it once more." He laughed and threw his arms around Thomas' neck, embracing him with sobs of joy. "I thought I felt a tingle, on the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month, but I thought it was nothing more than wishful thinking."

Thomas pulled away from the embrace but only to kiss Matthew's lips over and over again. Matthew took Thomas' hands and placed them on his thighs; he felt them, laying there over his pyjama pants. "I can feel you..." He whispered into their kiss.

Thomas reluctantly pulled his swollen lips away, but he needed to know that it was real. "Here, let's see you do it again" Thomas said and rose to his feet. He held his hands out for Matthew to brace himself on if he needed to. Then Thomas Barrow saw it, Matthew standing up on his own. Even though it was wobbly, Matthew Crawley stood on his own two feet.

"I almost forgot now close in height we are" Matthew said and finally could stand and gaze into Thomas' eyes again.

"Easy now, Mr Crawley, don't overdo it — and I am still the taller one." Thomas said and caught Matthew before his legs gave up and together they fell upon the bed with laughter. Their argument was but a distant memory and their eyes were filled with love again, and so were their words.

"Stay with me here tonight, Thomas Barrow." Matthew said and leaned in to bring their lips into an embrace of tongues and heat that only they could share. What made Matthew smile even more was the twitch he felt between his legs from Thomas' gentle hand caressing his thigh.

Downton Abbey,
March 1919

Their happiness began to fade and just a month later it was all taken away — yet again. At the dinner, after Matthews' grand reveal of his working legs, a new sorrow was cast upon Thomas'; a date for the wedding had been set. A spring wedding, in April, when Matthew hopefully could walk down the aisle by himself. Matthew had not told Thomas about these news and, once more, Thomas' felt betrayed and pushed aside. Again Matthew kept things from him, thinking it would spare him — but the truth always came out, how could it not? Thomas felt like time was running out for Matthew to escape this lie.

"So where will this leave me, Matthew? Now that you can stand you will soon walk and you won't need me to be a caregiver anymore" Thomas said as he brought the chair into the empty sitting room; Mrs Crawley and Lavinia were out planning for the wedding that would take place at Downton. "You will soon be wed to someone you don't love, off on your honeymoon and I doubt Lavinia will want to have me simply wandering around the house without a purpose; it would seem undignified for the future Lord and Lady of Downton Abbey."

"It happened as fast as the engagement, Thomas, everyone expressed how her idea for a spring wedding sounded wonderful; Lord Grantham offered Downton and my mother seemed happy beyond words." Matthew said in a distant voice.

"It always seems to happen fast, does it not?" Thomas said accusingly " — and a simple sentence can help you escape this, if that is what you still wish." Thomas watched Matthew but there was no answer to his question. No answer to anything, and Thomas again was lost in not knowing what to do, yet again his heart broke for a man who refused to accept what he truly was. The man he loved was set on marrying Lavinia all because of a gentleman's agreement and his own fears.

Thomas didn't know how much longer he could stand being in this house. Everyday he had to watch Lavinia dote upon Matthew, speak of their future and the children they would have. Every night he snuck into Matthew's room to have a moment of their own — but with every kiss and touch Thomas couldn't help but think about how Matthew would think of them as sins.

Thomas didn't know what to do but he knew that, even if he would never be enough for Matthew Crawley, Matthew had always been more than enough for Thomas. So he reached his hand out and it found Matthew's. Thomas held it so tightly and the fear of losing the light in his life brought fresh tears to his grey eyes. It seemed as if Matthew had given up and simply accepted that he was to be wed. It was one thing keeping them a secret, but to be the dirty secret in a marriage? — Thomas didn't know if he could do it. In the nights he would lay awake and think about Matthew being with Lavinia in a way only Thomas had.

Each time they found happiness it was taken away, each time there was always something in their way. Did he want to break off the wedding? Matthew had grown so weary, so tired, and incredibly terrified. What was left to do? He had begun thinking that it was easier to simply give up, force himself to be wed. Matthew was running out of excuses but he could not face what he was. The war had ended, yet he loved Thomas, he could not walk — and loved him Matthew still did. All of this, this entire lie, had begun just to keep him and Thomas safe but how safe could a sin be? He and Thomas had found each other at the frontlines, but was their love fair without the war? Was it better to end it all and simply accept his fate as the future Earl and force himself to produce future heirs? Matthew did no longer know what to do — so no answers could be given to Thomas.

When Matthew turned his head tears were brought to his eyes because his lover looked so lost and afraid. The two simply took to bed, not uttering a single word, and laid in each other's arms. They held on so tightly because they both feared the same thing — that their love could not overcome Matthew's duties as an heir and his fright. Silently they both wept as they tried not to let the other one know that they both thought that this would be their end. A love so strong in the wrong time, that's what it was, but that did not mean that it would simply go away — and no wedding would change who Matthew was, nor who he held in that heart of his, a heart that would yearn for the rest of his life for Thomas Barrow. But they held on for another month.