Downton Abbey: All Is Fair In Love And War

Thomas Was All He Could See

Downton Abbey,
April 1919

"After that I am sure you know what happened Mrs Hughes" Thomas said and Mrs Hughes nodded.

"Yes, we heard of it, poor lad" She said, shaking her head with horror as she thought about how Edward had taken his own life. "And that's how we became a convalescent home"

"And O'Brien secured my position as manager of Downton which I gratefully accepted just to spite Mr Carson." Thomas felt tired for the first time in two days. The lack of sleep was finally becoming too overwhelming, even for him.

"I suppose that was not the only reason—" Mrs Hughes said " —but you cannot say you have made it easy on Mr Carson either, on neither of us, with your words and actions — before the convalescent home or during, Thomas."

"That is how someone like me survives in this world..." Thomas closed his eyes and sighed "It's hard for someone who is not like me to understand..."

"It is sad you see it in such a way Thomas" Mrs Hughes said and stood up to leave Thomas to finally get some rest.

"It's not me who sees it so, Mrs Hughes, it's the law, the lord and the world — they see me as disgusting" Thomas turned to his side with his painful hand hanging off the edge of his bed and the food Maud had brought was forgotten by the end of his bed.

"Foolish lad, you broke your own heart falling for Matthew Crawley." Mrs Hughes said once Thomas was breathing softly in his sleep. She tucked the blanket around the footman before blowing the candle out and walked out the room.

Crawley House,
April 1919

Matthew stood in his bedroom and just stared at the walls surrounding him. He thought it would be better here, where he could not lay eyes upon Thomas. Though these walls held memories as well and that was almost harder. It held memories of how foolish he had been, how unkind, and the immorality of it all — and worse, how insanely happy Matthew had been.

Everything he had pushed away about the sin of their love had come exploding back into his mind on that night, on the night of April. Now it was a battle within himself over how to erase this love of Thomas Barrow. Matthew had to accept that he was being punished by God, and he should not be allowed to live a happy life ever again.

'That means to never have Thomas again' Matthew thought to himself. He was punished by the pain they had caused, all the lives lost and ruined because of what he and Thomas had shared. Now he had a broken heart, and that was all he ever would have. So there, in his bedroom, Matthew stood until night came and he found his way to a bottle of whisky to drown his sorrows out. It was the same kind he had shared with Thomas when they had felt untouchable — in the trenches of France.

That night Matthew drank it all to the point where his mind could not think and not until then could he find sleep. He curled up around the empty bottle and fell asleep with the streaks from his tears upon his cheek still. But regardless of his shame, of his unlawful ways, even in his sleep Thomas was all he could see.

Mrs Crawley had awoken in the middle of the night and made her way to Matthew's bedroom. She stood in the doorway and saw the sight of her son. It wounded her to know that his heart was so broken — so broken he had to drink himself to sleep. She didn't know what to do, for Matthew didn't wish to speak of it. If only she could help him find some peace. None of it had been Matthew's fault, he was not in control of such a disease — none of them were. With a sigh she turned around, closed the door, and went back to her bed. She needed to help her son, that was her mission now.

With morning came no change, Matthew was shut away in his room with another bottle of whisky to keep him company until the night. He was still trying to suppress every thought, every yearning for the footman in Downton. Matthew needed to get rid of these thoughts and feelings because they weren't right, he had been shown that. They weren't right , he told himself over and over again, trying to convince himself. Maybe he could be fixed, maybe then he could be forgiven. If he only could get rid of Thomas Barrow from his heart then maybe he could be allowed to be unbroken. Maybe he could be normal again and find happiness in a woman. Maybe it would work on him, maybe there was a way to cure him.

Downton Abbey,
April 1919

"He is still not well enough? Very well Mrs Hughes" Carson sighed in annoyance. "But if he is not on his feet by tomorrow I fear he might suffer the same fate as Mr Lang, unfit for working!" Carson said harshly, his voice carrying down the servants' quarters and through Thomas' door where the footman laid on his side. Thomas' eyes were wide open and he had heard the whole argument between Mrs Hughes and Carson.

Thomas' thoughts were upon Matthew, Daisy, Edward, Lavinia and the damage the war had left them all with, and the two latter had their lives taken due to it. His thoughts were to the bloodied bodies on the battlefield, the legs flying in the air and a German soldier with a gun to Matthew's head. His thoughts were upon his nightmare that had consisted of the exact same thing. Thomas had awoken sweaty from it. Now the aftermath of war had taken Matthew from Thomas' arms and the last words they had shared still cut into Thomas because they had fallen from Matthew's lips.

"I'm'afraid Mr Carson is not happy, Thomas" Mrs Hughes said as she entered the room with a breakfast tray for Thomas. "Though he is just overwhelmed, we should be allowed to hire footmen back soon I hope" She said with a sigh and settled a tray of porridge and tea down.

"You're far too kind to me, Mrs Hughes" Thomas said sincerely "far too kind."

Mrs Hughes gave Thomas the bowl of porridge "If only you could be kind to yourself." She said.

Thomas said nothing to her comment and ate his breakfast slowly while Mrs Hughes looked at his pale and sweaty face.

"Did you sleep Thomas? You still look tired" Mrs Hughes said with concern as she had grown to hold care for the footman.

"I did but I'm afraid it was an uneasy one" Thomas said and poked the porridge around with his spoon. If it hadn't been for Sybil and Matthew, Thomas wasn't sure if he'd be able to open up this way to Mrs Hughes. Though, to Thomas, that didn't mean he would stop being dismissive to others, to keep them away, because if the wrong person found out he would be the target of rumours — or worse. He did find some comfort in having Mrs Hughes though, stern like a mother but with a heart of one as well — the heart a mother should have at least.

"I'm afraid that sometimes war haunts me still, it comes and it goes, and tonight it came and I heard the whistle blow, I heard the guns firing towards us" He said and stared blankly at his hand that held his battle scars.

Mrs Hughes said nothing about it but she reached out and patted Thomas' arm. He was so sweet when he wished to, when kindness was shown to him — kindness that he claimed not many had given him. "I have a moment if you wish to tell me another part of the story, His Lordship have taken Isis for a walk, her Ladyship is busy with god-knows what work, Lady Edith took a train to London and Lady Mary is at Haxley with Sir Carlisle" She said and brought Thomas back from his thoughts of the battlefields. "You do not have to tell me of the horrors of poor Lieutenant Edward, I cannot bear to hear it again."

"I do not wish to speak of it again. Me and Sybil truly wept for him" Thomas said with a great sigh "There's not much to say until the time of the concert for the officers was set to take place in Downton."