Downton Abbey: All Is Fair In Love And War

A Love Only Told In Fairytales

Downton Abbey.
January 12th 1920
Evening

The whole house was singing with joy over Mr Bates and the fact that the servants ball would take place again — the highlight for many of those who worked at Downton. However, Thomas Barrow was not singing with joy, he stood in front of the mirror and tried to prepare himself for the evening. If Thomas had a choice he would not be spending the night amongst the cheerful faces of staff and the upstairs folks. Thomas would have retreated to his room and spent it alone and he needed to accept that his life would be just that — lonely. But due to being the acting head valet, he had to make an appearance at this foolish ball.

Thomas took a deep breath.

A second breath.

...a third.

Thomas banged both fists to the wall — he could not breathe easily.

"You were alright, Thomas, before Matthew — you were just fine." He lied to himself and removed his balled up hands from the wall and straightened his back " — be that Thomas again." Thomas said with his cheeks hollowed, his lips in a tight pout, and his face expressionless — but not his eyes. ' That Thomas' — but how could he go back when all he wanted to be was Matthew's version. But he wasn't, not anymore and he never would be again. Once again he wished he could go back to loathing the future Earl, that he could despise him — though that was impossible. No matter what Matthew had said, no matter what Matthew had done, Thomas would love no one but the man he had fallen for in the trenches of war. But France was over, and everything he once had held had been ripped away.

Death was an option to stop feeling this way, but Thomas didn't choose death — he walked out of the bathroom. He knew he would not feel enjoyment in the night but his face was brave, his posture was straight, and he took the steps away from the men's hallway to make his way towards the ballroom where music was already playing. It reminded him of his last dance, a dance Thomas wanted to always remain his last. Never did he wish to dance again, never did he wish to swing someone else around and take away that moment with the man he still so deeply loved. If only everything could go back to what it was.

Thomas passed the rooms and noticed that all the servants' had left — even Anna had gone down with courage upon her face. Though, Thomas thought, she still had Bates' heart, did she not? It was self-pity but he could not help it, because he felt so alone. Even though he held Mrs Hughes and Sybil foundly in his heart — it would not be the same, because they would never understand him the way Matthew did. They were not bent differently like him, they did not comprehend his thoughts the way Matthew did — they were not the ones he had loved for years. Nothing could fill this empty space.

He had thought this job was all he had, but how could he even stay in Downton when he'd be forced to look upon Matthew constantly? But that's exactly why he would stay. Distance would not matter nor would time heal this wound. Thomas had been on top of the world and then completely tumbled down. Once he would have been so pleased with being a valet again, but there was no happiness in it either. With the end of his story his and Matthew's end had been relived again. Thomas was not alright.

He walked past his room and thought of just disappearing inside of it and ignoring the duty to be downstairs and waltz with the Dowager Countess — but he did not, he kept walking even if every step was agony. With each step he felt his crushed heart's shards dig deeper into his soul, piercing his lungs and now he could not even breathe at all. Thomas' clutched his chest, he braced himself on the wall and he loosened his tie. Was his heartache taking him to an early grave?