WHAT IF

30

                      This has never felt this nice in this marriage, I felt kind of light and happy , but my mind would not leave the fact that Andrew really wanted a divorce , I am forced to believe that Leon and me kissing was not the only reason as to why Andrew wanted this .
                    " Andrew " I called him softly. Today as I called his name there was change.  In tone ,pitch and how light it felt maybe because of the fact that now we can say that we are friends ,not great friends but at least it is there .
                     " yes " he replied his attention down to his phone . I looked at him looking at how to phrase my coming question.
                     " speak out " he said raising his eyes to me for a bit then putting them down back to his voice.
                     " why did you want the divorce " I asked . I waited Patiently for his reply , still quiet ,all focus on his phone , for a minute I wondered if may any chance he heard me .
                     "  haven't we agreed to put that behind us " he asked as well , I wish he could look at me so I could see the truth in his eyes .
                     " I can't help being so curious " I said .
                     " I can't stop you from being curious but just so you know it's an empty place your searching from " Andrew said ,busy texting on his phone . He no longer speaks to me like a stranger , there is that free feeling I get from him . Much as he says it's an empty place , I get the feeling that he had thought about it for a while . He raised his eyes looking at me
                     " it's not empty , it's just so guarded " I said referring to his heart .
                     " worry not Valerie, our duty is to keep to our word " Andrew said .
                      " could that be a promise " I asked .
I raised my eyes from him looking up to the ceiling ,he was looking at me in deep thoughts, he must be weighing the heaviness of my words .
                      " I expect nothing from you or this , I never did and I am not starting today " I said my voice heavy , this is painful to say .
                       " I just want , not to let go . I don't want to to wake up one morning and your requesting for s divorce " I said ,my voice shaky the tears I could feel wanting to fall down .
                       " I have onto for this for seven years , they may seam small but they have been my whole life basically, before the seven years ,Andrew I had nothing to hold on to now I do , I ...." I swallowed my words hard , tears rolled down from the sides of my eyes
                        " there times I wanted to jump out , to run ,to disappear , time to freeze but then being your wife is all I know , it's what I can describe myself as " I said my voice deep and shaky ,the tears rolling down.  I hate how pathetic I maybe looking in his eyes, how clingy I am sounding right now , I totally get even if  he does not understand what I am trying to say .
  
                    " am sorry for being too selfish " I said sadly realising I was being cruel , i am not being considerate of how he feels , he must have had strong reasons as to why.  I closed my eyes shut wondering if Andrew ever fell in love with someone , or what if he has got that person right now , his life can't be twisted as mine forever .
                     " then be , " Andrew said suddenly. I opened my eyes shifting them onto him
                     " I don't mind you being selfish especially with me ,but if your going to selfish, be it forever " Andrew calmly ,firmly he said . His words were comforting , at least now I know that this our hopeless good for nothing marriage was what he was holding onto as well
                       " keep to word Valerie, the promises made today ,right now should be the foundation of our marriage, never once should you let go cause .." Andrew breathed out swallowing his words , the sincerity from him become my safe haven.
                        " cause I am never letting go of the rope I had started to let lose of, from today I am going to hold on tight like you ,till and till " Andrew said his eyes locked with mine . That assurance was what I wanted , his commitment was what I trust the most.
As other marriages have foundations of love , friendship and many more heart whelming tales ours though is now renewed by promises as it was in the beginning with our vows .
                          " so keep to your word Valerie, be as selfish as possible , the load we are trying to balance will be so heavy for me once you ever let go , promise me as I promise you " Andrew calmly ,firmly he said .
                         " it's a promise , I swear to keep to my word and never take it back " I said just to be more clear . Andrew smiled a bit , I saw how relaxed he become after words , I relaxed as well , closing my eyes again .

                       " Leon , would you want to have him here " Andrew asked looking at his phone
                       " no , no , I  so tired to have visitors at this time " I said. I don't want to have drama again as I try fix the already happening drama
                       " okay " Andrew smiled . I looked at him smile now surprised at why he is smiling.  His focus back to his phone texting , making it obvious that it's Leon he was talking to. 
I closed my eyes , thinking about what my sickness results would be like , honestly this a lie I am trying to drift my mind from the burning question on my mind .
                          " Are you in love Andrew " I bluntly said out loud.  He froze for awhile then raising his eyes to me .
                          "What!!!!!!!!!!!" He was so shocked at my question.
                          " sorry , nothing " I said . Andrew  coughed a bit ,seamed to be chocked by his own saliva .     
                          " I just want to know if ...you're in love with someone " I asked again .
                          " what's happening in your brain Valerie " Andrew asked amazed by question.
                          " you might have wanted a divorce because you  found someone you love " I said quietly .
Andrew scoffed in surprise. He sat back looking at me , I opened my eyes looking at him , he then got lost into thoughts thinking hard .
                           " yes , I don't know if it's love and I don't think it's love but there is someone on my mind" Andrew calmly said , his voice soft and thoughtful ,with a tiny smile on his face .