The Student Therapist

Chapter 18

The house was a mess. I was semi-prepared for it to be in a complete state of diarray, and I even apologized to Lisa for the mess before even stepping foot in the house. But when I actually opened the fromt door, my jaw dropped. There were books and blankets strewn everywhere, coupon clippings all over the table and counter, glasses paced on every flst surface, and files all over the dining room.

I felt the first sting of embarrassment the second I laid eyes on the mess, but when I realized that Lisa was beside me with her gaze scanning the entire room, I wanted to disappear.

"Wow." I breathe out involuntarily and feel my cheeks begin to flush. "I'm so sorry. It's usually not this bad."

When I do finally muster the confidence to look at Lisa and gauge her reaction, I'm perplaxed when I see her shrug and glance back at me. "It's not that bad."

"Why bother lying?" I ask incredulously. "I have eyes!"

Lisa chuckles a little and shakes her head. She's giving the room a last once over before looking back at me, completely unfazed.

"My houde gets messy too." She simply says. "It's not a big deal."

Her reaction lessens my embarrassment considerably. I glance at the two McDonalds bags in her hands and refuse to let her eat while surrounded in filth. "Let's eat on the porch." I suggest. "It's a nice night anyway."

We exit theough the very door we had entered moments agoc and I silently promise myself to wake up early tomorrow and tidu up. I knew my mom had too much on her plate to maintain a clean house. I'm sure that was actually the least of her worries. So of course, the least I could do was lend a hand whild I was home.

The porch was my favorite thing about the entire house. It was a modest home but it's simplicity kept my admiration never ending. There were steps leading up to the porch that I spents so many nights on during my childhood from trying to learn the constellations and study the phases of the moon to having to cool off after a bad game while my dad sat beside me calming me down.

Sitting here with Lisa felt almost surreal. I never would have suspected the she would end up at my house with me with an open knowledge of my family situation. But Lisa was good at proving me wrong. First is how I feel about her and now the depth of our relationship.

"You're right." Lisa says after a moment of contemplation sitting on the porch. "It is a nice night."

I grab my burger and grin at her. "The perfect night for McDonalds under the stars."

"That sounds so romantic." Lisa teases, throwing me a lopsided grin. "I wouldn't be able to imagine a better date."

Her joke made my stomach turn in a way that I wasn't used to. I had to force a short laugh before eating my burger in an attempt to seem to busy come up with a formal response. The atmosphere felt charged whenever we were alone together and right now was no exception.

"So." Lisa says and straightens up as if she's prepared to talk about something serious. "The surgery."

I take a deep breath, prepared to tell her I didn't want to talk about it. "Lisa..."

But she doesn't let me get the words out.

"I know you probably don't want to talk about this right now, but I was hoping I could potentially give you some ease and tell you that I'll talk to my dad about what he could do about a pro-bono surgery."

The words almost confused me more than they made me feel better, and I felt my brow crease as I finally turned too look her in the eyes. When I did, I almost regretted it. Her eyes were swimming with thought and concern, focused on me as if I might break if she were to say the wrong thing.

"Pro-bono." I repeat quietly. "Is he a doctor?"

Lisa nods enthusiastically. "I think maybe he would be able to help you out so it could lessen the financial burden."

When she mentions that money is an issue. I tense up and feel myself withdrawal. My invisible barriers shooting up to keep her from knowing about our financial issues. But Lisa's eyes were apparently not only watching my body but my mind too, because she could sense the distance I was trying to shove between us immediately.

"I don't mean to offend you." She says quickly. "I just... I know how hard it is. I know you've been sending your mom your work checks, and she had to leave to pick up another shift..."

I gulp. This was embarrassing.

"I, uhm." I try to tell her that it's okay, refute her offer. But to be honest, it would have been the biggest gift she could ever give my family. And when I thought about saying no to maintain my pride, the image of Jisoo lying in the hospital bed resurfaced in my mind.

"Hey." Lisa says softly, and before I can calculate her actions, she reaches her hand up to gently cup my cheeks to bring my attention back to her. "Just think about it." She murmurs, her eyes searching mine. "I want to hep."

Words escape me the second I'm hyper aware of the feeling of Lisa's fingertips brushing against my cheeks and the way that she was in kissing distance and I hadn't notice it before. My knees were turned towards her, almost subconsciously as if my body wanted to tell her that I wanted nothing more than to be as close as possible to her.

I can't tell if only seconds or full minutes pass when she leans forward. Her lips were mere inches from mine, her ehes searching mine nervously as she came closer, shaky exhales escaping my parted lips in anticapation for feeling her. For a long moment, I just look at her until my eyes finally slip closed and I feel myself leaning towards her to finally squash the distance.

But nothing came.

The feeling of her lips, the intenseness of her minty breath against my chin or even a whisper. Her hand slipping away fron my cheek forces me to open my eyes in time to catch her pull away from me slightly, like she thought better of kissing me, while thoughts raged in the background of her mind.

The first twinge of embarrassment hits me first as I wonder if I had just made up the entire moment in my head, but shortly after the gravity of the situation kicks in, my cheeks are bright red and I feel a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Almost like I was hurt she didn't kiss me.

I look away so she can't see the disappointed embarrassment written across my features and stand up. "I'm actually not hungry. I think I'm just going to go to bed. You're staying upstairs in the first room on the left."

With that, I turn and start walking to the door as fast as possible, hoping that distance between us would terminate the horrible feelings mixing together in my stomach.

"Nini." Lisa murmurs softly, almost apologetically. But I pretend I don't hear her.

I laid awake in bed for hours, replaying the moment over and over again. Wondering what could have gon wrong. Even though I came up with different theories or ideas. My uncertainty kept me both awake and worried throughout most of the night.