runaway train [corpse]

the shift.

on Tuesday we kept up the same routine- texting, making eye contact on the train, casually brushing against each other if we happened to be walking past each other. we did not have another encounter in the bathroom, and that felt like the right move for the time being. to say i missed his touch would be a wild understatement.

i had gone so long without any kind of meaningful connection with a guy, and it was so easy with Corpse. well, maybe not easy; maybe 'natural' is the more accurate word. i was so into him. my thoughts and growing feelings toward him were complicated, but i wanted them. most men in the past would use me and lead me on, but i didn't feel the threat of any of that from him.

i have this theory that as humans, we can recognize a specific kind of suffering in those around us. it's similar to depression; because i've suffered from it, i can see it in a person from a mile away.

i of course didn't know Corpse's whole life story. but i recognized something familiar in him. and that resulted in me believing i could trust him.

when Wednesday rolled around, he communicated that he needed to stay at the hotel and rest. i continued to be curious about what he was doing during the week, and how he was coping with his clearly agitated chronic arm pain, by himself.

but it was fascinating getting to know him, in general. everyday he would let me in on some small part of his life, his world, and i was grateful for it. even the small details about him mattered to me- his favorite food, his favorite line from a book. i knew what a big deal this was for him, to do any of this, in pursuing a friendship with me. i didnt take it lightly that he had given me a portion of his trust.

on wednesday night i let him know that i was taking thursday and friday off, and we began to make plans to get together. i wasn't upset with my life or anything, but i needed a few days away from the kitchen with Amy. i was also tired of the minimal interaction with Corpse. he was such a source of calm, and i loved that i didn't have to fill the silence around him. it wasn't awkward; it just was.

after managing to sleep in on thursday, i hopped in my rental car and headed to a nearby starbucks. it was around 1pm and i hadn't heard from him yet, but i wasn't worried. i was just glad to be able to sit somewhere without worrying about responsibilities.

i was sitting at a table, scrolling on twitter and sipping my drink, when my phone started ringing. the black heart emoji popped up on the screen, and i smiled.

"hello there," i answered.

i could hear the smile on his lips as he spoke. "hi, Cara. how's your day?"

"my day is going well so far, i'm just sitting in a starbucks. how about you?"

"that sounds nice," he said, sighing. i could hear what sounded like him turning over in bed. "i meant to call you earlier, but i fell asleep for a couple hours."

"that's fine, i'm just glad you managed to sleep. did you have any good dreams?"

"hmm. not that i can remember."

"that's better than remembering nightmares, i think."

"i agree," he said, clearing his throat. "i uh, i actually called because i'm not sure if i can see you today."

"oh," i said, trying to mask my dissapointment. "is everything okay?"

"yeah, yeah," i heard him shuffling around again, "i just um, i have some song ideas i've been needing to flesh out. i'm really sorry. i really want to see you." i heard him try to hold back a wince as he moved around again.

"that's okay," i said, thinking on what to say next. he was clearly in pain. "would it be out of line for me to say i wonder if there's something else going on?"