runaway train [corpse]

the background.

** TW **

this chapter contains mentions of suicide, cancer, and child loss.
this is a fictional story, not a glorification or romanticization of suicide or tragedy or any self-harming behaviors.
if you need someone to talk to, reach out.
crisis text line: text HOME to 741741 to reach a crisis counselor. free, 24/7 access to support.

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we spent the rest of the day together lounging around his hotel room, intoxicated by each other's presence.

friday and saturday were much of the same, between sharing the bed at his hotel or visiting Amy's empty apartment (she was out of town for the weekend) when i needed to shower and change clothes. i also kept my meds with me, and we kept each other responsible when it came to remembering to take our medications in general.
probably the least responsible thing we did together was play with knives, but for the most part we were perfectly stable adults.

when we weren't in bed, reading, or sharing a screen, we went out on walks and visited book shops and cafes. i found myself more and more pleased with the secrecy of our growing closeness.

there was so much to talk about; so much to learn about each other; so many stories to tell. when he spoke i held onto every word, like a child hearing a fairytale for the first time.

being around him made me realize how deprived i had been in past relationships of someone who truly captivated my attention, and who clearly felt the same way about me. Corpse did not leave me in the dark about what he was feeling towards me. he wasn't interested in playing games or making me guess what was okay to say or do around him- he just let me be. the mutual respect between us was comforting.

we had good, clarifying conversations about what we were becoming. neither of us were in a place to make our relationship public (obviously, due to his anonymity with the rest of the world) and so we made sure we were on the same page. i was ecstatic to feel like i had him to myself; not with a sense of ownership or possessiveness, but a sense of belonging. free from outside judgement and unwelcome commentary. i liked feeling that we belonged together, we had a place with each other, and that we both felt that way.

on saturday night we were on a train together, and out of the blue, i started to feel bad. i was all too familiar with that feeling of deep emptiness.
we were sitting quietly together as the train rattled away, my head on his shoulder. i had no reason to feel unhappy. but there was that dreaded feeling, in the pit of my stomach.

i excused myself to the train's bathroom, and made my way down the aisle of seats. a wave of nausea was hitting me, coupled with cold sweats. did i get food poisoning?

once the bathroom door was locked behind me, i splashed cold water on my face, trying to steady myself. once my head was clear enough, i started to go through my mental checklist.

is there anything dangerous in your immediate surroundings?
no. i'm fine on the train.
are you in a safe place?
yes, the bathroom.
did something stressful happen today?
there was something in the back of my mind but i could access it. my day with Corpse had been altogether flawless, but there was still something tugging at me. for now, my answer had to be no.
are you thinking of something from the past?
that question stumped me for a moment. i sat down on the covered toilet seat, running my fingers through my hair in an attempt to self-soothe. then my phone dinged.

it was Corpse. "are you okay?" he texted. i smiled at my phone.

"i just started to feel a little nauseous for some reason," i replied, typing quickly. "do you feel sick at all from the food we ate today?"