runaway train [corpse]

the moment.*

sometimes, opening up to the people you care about makes you feel more secure.

it's a big risk to choose to be vulnerable with someone. once you've opened up and bared your soul, you can never go back. you can't make them forget the information. your relationship with that person is forever altered, and they will either stay or drift away.

i was feeling really anxious after telling Corpse what had happened in my family. all of the warmth and security i initially felt being wrapped in his arms disappeared the moment we stepped back into Amy's apartment. it was like reality hit me all over again, and suddenly nothing could be good anymore.

he doesn't need my sob story, i thought to myself as i locked the door behind us. he has enough to deal with on a daily basis, and all i'm doing is making it worse. it'll only be a matter of time before he feels overwhelmed, and i never hear from him again.

the thoughts were loud; my fear was loud. the emotional rollercoaster i was on was so exhausting, and i couldn't be bothered to try to make small talk with Corpse. the apartment was silent. he was being so patient with me, quietly getting comfortable on the couch and not forcing me into conversation. i took a breath and started to step toward him, but then stopped myself. maybe i should brush my teeth.

i walked into the bathroom and started brushing, while also taking in my appearance. my eyes were puffy, and my under-eyes were dark. it had been a long day of highs and lows, and after having a few minutes to myself in my bathroom, i resolved to be up front with Corpse, and not shut down like my fearful heart wanted me to. he had done nothing but be there for me, but i was still so anxious that he would change his mind and be done with me; with whatever we had become in such a short amount of time. i was battling between letting it be and cutting it off before he had the chance to hurt me, but that's never worked out for me in the past. i would be such a hypocrite if i tried to force him out of my life. i was the one who had just told him, "letting people be there for you doesn't automatically mean they feel sorry for you. it just means they care about you."

the only way i could push past my anxiety in the moment was to remind myself that i would indeed make it past this moment. not in a weird, "fuck him if he doesn't want me, i can do better!" kind of way, but a way that is hopeful. i decided, i'll go back out to the living room, and if he is okay with talking to me, then we'll talk. i want to hear from him, and see if our last couple days together had changed anything for him. and then i would deal with whatever he had to say.

once i had taken a few deep breaths and steeled myself, i walked back out to the couch. Corpse was sitting there comfortably, nose in my poetry book, and i couldn't keep the smile off my face.

"hey," i said, gently sitting next to him. "back in our favorite book?"

his eyes peeked at me over the top of the pages, and i could tell he was smirking.

"i've become a big poetry fan recently, for some reason."

i chuckled at him. he kept the book over his face.

"i uh, was wondering if we could talk. like, about today, and the last few days. if that's okay with you," i nervously arranged my hands in my lap. how does he intimidate me so much without hardly saying anything?

"i'd love to," he replied, still not moving the book. "i um, actually have some stuff i wanted to say."

"oh," i said, feeling my stomach tighten. i couldn't think of anything else to say; i was going blank, trying to prepare for another emotional blow.
but he continued to surprise me.

in a nervous tone of voice, he said, "Cara, when i put this book down, you're going to see my face. because i don't want anything between us anymore. okay?"