runaway train [corpse]

the reason.

Corpse and i were sitting together at his apartment. i had been telling him about one of my favorite movies, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.
i knew he wasn't the biggest fan of movies, so it was a topic we didn't touch on too often, but this particular movie proved to be a a worthy subject for us to chat about (with mostly me talking about it, obviously).

i had talked about it so much, in fact, that he surprised me by telling me he wanted to watch it together.

one night we were cuddle up on the couch, and every now and again he would comment on the song choices of the soundtrack. from beautiful instrumentals to David Bowie, the movie had a lot to offer.

"this soundtrack is so good," he said at one point. "i didn't know there was a perfect song for a grown man riding a longboard down a mountain to get to a volcano, but alas, there is."

i laughed at him as he gesticulated erratically, and cuddled into his side. i loved when he was in a goofy, expressive mood.

i replied, "this is one of those movies that i never get tired of. this, and Donnie Darko, of course."

he smiled at me. "what a weird combo."

"thoughtful adventurous whimsy meets melancholic existential crises."

he turned toward me, staring at my face like he was in some kind of shock at what i had just said. and quickly said, "that was the perfect, most insanely impressive way to describe both of these movies, and i am very turned on. can we pause this and make out?"

after nodding my head and giggling at him, i reached over a cushion for the remote and obliged him.

————————————

during quiet times on the train, i had more time alone with my thoughts. i would focus in on the clanking of the wheels until the noise became so familiar it completely faded from my ears.
the sun was out, the train decently crowded. Corpse was at home, busy with a doctor's appointment over zoom. he had regular check-ins to monitor all the things going on with his body, but there were blessed days where he could answer their questions on camera and over the phone instead, which he greatly preferred. his physical appointments seemed to be fewer and further in between, which was a relief.

but, back to the train.
there were some things i needed to face, so today i was facing them.

i knew that i was in love with Corpse; there was no question in my mind.
i hadn't told him out loud, but i made sure to tell him in other ways.
we had at some points discussed our future, and agreed upon taking things very, very slow as far as declaring things. we had both been so hurt in the past, and wanted to make sure we gave our relationship the patience care it needed, to make sure we could go the distance.

since we had already very quickly progressed into a physical relationship, we also decided to slow things down a bit there, which was necessary anyway. his health problems would flare up on occasion if he agitated his muscles too much, and i didn't want to be the source of any pain for him, physically or emotionally. he had mostly everything under control, and with my prodding, kept up with his physical therapy routines from his apartment.

sometimes the self-control was difficult because i wanted nothing more than to climb into his lap and watch his face change, but it was worth it to see him well.

i was also thinking about the direction our conversation took after we had finished watching the movie. Corpse had really enjoyed it, and we ended up talking about it for a few hours after.

we talked about the pursuit of love, difficult relationships with family members, and an unfed appetite for travel. in the film, Walter realizes that a lot of his passion in life died when he lost a close family member. to me, so much of the film is his rediscovery of a sense of adventure.

"i've only left California once. when i really wanted to get out of here a few years ago, all my health shit came up, so realistically i couldn't go anywhere," he told me.

i nodded my head at him as he spoke. "you were trapped by your own body," he nodded at me in response. "i've actually been to a few different states for volunteer work, but i never saw the sights or anything like that."

"were those the times that you only focused on work?"

i nodded again. "yes. partially i was burying myself in work, and the other part was i was terrified to go anywhere by myself after having listened to your scary stories for the last couple years."

he gave me a big smile. "i'd protect you."

something clicked as i recalled this conversation. a distant decision had been made.

————————————

i had already talked to Amy about what choices i was making for myself, and now it was time to talk to Corpse.

we were finishing up eating a late dinner together on the patio of his apartment. it was around 1 am, and we were wide awake, as usual.

i casually brought up the topic of travel once again, and i could see in his face that he was starting to get an idea of what i wanted to do. but as much as he regularly surprised me, i wanted to surprise him.

"i don't do things for myself, you know," i started. "which has historically been a problem for me. and well, i've been thinking about this for a couple days now. and i wanted to talk to you about it."

"okay," he replied.

"i, um," i cleared my throat, suddenly nervous. "i want to travel for a little bit. for myself."

he nodded slowly, looking away from me while he processed what i was saying. the rest of our food was forgotten.

his body language seemed wounded, but he was trying to hide it. i waited patiently for him to speak, resisting the urge to fill the silence with my anxious babbling.

he eventually, in a quiet voice, asked, "when are you leaving?" and i felt my heart threaten to snap in two. i was so nervous and excited and unsure of what he was going to say to my proposal.

"here's the thing," i said in a shaky voice. "i want to go, yes, but i have no interest in going by myself. i've gone the lone wolf route, and it did not serve me well," he finally met my eyes while i was speaking. "so yes, i want to go, but i want my enthralling, ethereal, darling man alongside me. i don't know why i'm suddenly speaking like a shakespearean actor, but i want you to know how serious i am."

he chuckled lightly, and reached his hands across the table towards mine. i curled my fingers up with his as i continued to scan his face.

he looked at me for a moment, contemplating, while his thumb stroked the back of my hand.

"when do you need me to make a decision?" he asked, normal voice returning.

i released a breath. "uh, i gave Amy a two week's, today. so, about two weeks. i can wait longer, if you need-"

"no no," he interrupted. "you clearly want to do this, and i'm not gonna be the reason you hesitate."

"i don't know if it would be worth it without you, actually," i said. "i feel like... i feel like you're so much a part of me now, that there's a void when you're not there." i swallowed hard, and looked away from him.
"honestly, when i picture myself away from here, i always see you."

he smiled, scooting his chair closer to me. "i feel the same way. you're the only reason i would even consider leaving right now."

i nodded slowly, and we sat in silence for some moments, holding hands and looking up at the sky.

soft grey clouds were gathering in the dark blue sky, and the weather was oddly reminiscent of the night that we had first met.

i looked across at him; my main reason for wanting to continue to live my life.

and i awaited his decision.

- epilogue to follow -