𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐖𝐞 𝐖𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐔𝐬

Part 20 ~ Let Him Down

Anika's Point Of View ~

Darren wanted to surprise me, and that he did. He isn't staying for long. Only one night before he needs to fly back home for work. A knock on the door, thinking it to be Michael. 

But it wasn't. 

I was shocked to see Darren standing in front of me. He didn't tell me. He wanted to keep it a secret, he said. He's a good man. He is. But there is something missing. It's simple. 

. . he's not Michael. 

I don't look at him the way that I look at Michael. I don't feel about him the way I feel about Michael. Still. I think back to last night. I made the first move, I know this. But I should not have. I feel so guilty. I am a married women. But I just didn't want Michael to leave. I saw him go . . so I stopped him. Afterwards, he asked me who I love. I told him Darren. 

Believable? . . hardly. 

I didn't even believe it when I said it. 

Why did I say it, you ask? I don't know. Maybe I didn't want to allow myself to bring those feeling back to the surface again. As I have spent so long trying to forget. I do love Darren, just not in that way. Not anymore. We have been through our hard times, Darren and I. Times when it felt like we may never fully bounce back from. I always thought it happened because perhaps I deserved it. To punish me for what I have done to Michael all those years ago. When Darren and I met, I was happy. I was moving on from my past, I felt. From Michael especially. That is what I thought. But my mind never allowed me to do so because Michael was always there. So, I stopped saying his name, I stopped writing his name. I thought if I do this . . Michael will then disappear. And after the last 10 years I did just that. 

But the memory of Michael always seemed to remain. 

And now, being back here . . seeing Michael again. It's like it has revived my feelings for Michael. Feelings that never truly went away. Oh man. I bite my lip as I once again think back to the kiss last night. The softness of his lips is still there. The feeling of his skin. I close my eyes as I remember, feeling as though Michael is right next to me. Hmm. I keep thinking back to when he asked me who is it that I love. I said another's name but in my eyes - it's Michael. 

"Anika? . . " 

I hear a voice. It's Darren's. He is looking at me as I have completely floated away. 

"You okay? . . " He asks me. 

I just nod my head. Shaking the question off completely. Knowing that telling him isn't the best idea. Of course it isn't. I know that. As I gaze at Darren, I can't help but to think about Michael. About the kiss . . ugh, that kiss. But I feel so bad. I know I need to tell Darren about it. But when? When is something like that ever a good time to do so? I just feel terrible. When Darren gave me this wedding ring, I gave him my word. But my actions last night have proved that I am not keeping that word. 

"I'm fine. Just shocked that you're here . . " 

I say with a kind awkward chuckle. He comes over to me. Chuckling as well. 

"Well, I did want it to be a surprise . . " 

He tells me, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. Darren isn't normally this affectionate towards me. Back home when I would try and express to him what I'm feeling about anything at all . . he would just shrug. Even walking away from me. Darren is a good man. But it's little things like that, that make me pull away from him even more. Why is he affectionate now? . . maybe he has just missed me. Grandmother comes into the kitchen where Darren and I are currently. She only remembers fragments of Darren. He, of course knows about grandmother and her fading memory. That is why I'm here, after all. She comes and stands next to me. Feeling unsure of Darren. But I reassure her once again. Darren is patient. So it makes me less stressed. Something I am thankful for. I make my way to the lounge room as both grandmother and Darren follow me. Grandmother sits in her single seat while Darren sits next to me. She is looking at the both of us with a smile. 

"Can you tell me about your wedding? . . " 

Grandmother asks with her smile remaining. She wants to know . . but she was there. I feel Darren give me a gentle nudge, as discreet as possible. I know why he is doing that. I know what he is trying to say to me. Maybe he isn't as patient as I originally thought. But it's something I know for myself. Something I don't need to be reminded of. Of course I know. Grandmother is getting worse and worse. I thought she was improving. It was a glimmer of hope. But that feeling is no more. It's upsetting. I don't know what to do. I feel as though I'm at a complete lose. I begin to explain our wedding to her even though she was very much invited, very much a guest. A very special guest of mine. 

"Well, we have been married for a few years now . . " I say. 

"The wedding was in Sydney. In a church. Lots of family and friends . . " I tell her. 

Grandmother nods her head as I explain. I feel so odd doing so. Explaining all of this but what else am I suppose to do? I feel grandmother knows what's happening to her so there is no need to recall. That's why I'm just going along with her question. 

"Sounds lovely . . " Grandmother says. 

I'm getting too upset within myself. I feel pressure all of a sudden. 

"Grandmother. How are your books going? . . " 

I ask and very suddenly too as I wish to change the subject entirely. Darren clears his throat. I feel he wishes to speak to me about grandmother. I can just feel it. I know I need help with her. I know I can't stay here with her forever. But I can't leave, not yet. Not until I do get help. Leaving grandmother on her own, that can't happen. She needs to be cared for. And of course . . there is also Michael. And I am not doing that to him again. I am not leaving without speaking to him. Ugh. Immediately I feel that everything is all too much for me. Darren showing up here as he wanted to surprise me. Grandmother's health still going down . . Michael. My feelings for him. Ugh fuck. When I think of Michael . . I feel happy. So that's what I do. I think to last night. We went to dinner. He dropped me home and I just couldn't help myself. I wanted to, so I did. I put my hands on him. I kissed him. 

And then I lied to him. 

Fuck. I feel like I have really let him down. I would go and see him Michael today but then Darren arrived. Ugh. I don't fucking know. I feel so trapped. Grandmother stands up from her chair, showing much enthusiasm from the mention of her books. 

"Oh. Very good. Do you actually mind if I go and catch up on some reading, dear? . . " 

My head moves to the side slightly, finishing in a nod. "Go for it, grandmother . . " 

I tell her. It's like it's myself, her books and grandfather of course, is all that she seems to remember. I watch as she walks away with a skip in her step. Sitting in silence for now but once grandmother is out of sight, I feel Darren will then speak. I hear Darren take a deep breath. Oh god. Here we go. I stand up from the lounge. One hand on my forehead while the other is placed on my hip. 

"Anika . . " I hear Darren say. 

I feel tears form within me, showing themselves before they fall down my check. One by one. My back facing Darren. I feel his standing right behind me. His hand on my shoulder softly. 

"I just miss you, Anika . . " Darren says. 

I turn around to look at him. My eyes red and watery. 

"I can't come home yet, Darren. Not until I get help with her . . " 

He nods, understanding. 

There is suddenly a knock at the door. Who is it? It's not him . . is it? I walk over, opening the door. Oh my god. It is. It's Michael. My face is completely shocked. I'm startled even. And Darren is here. 

"Michael, hi . . " I say in a very soft tone. 

I hear Darren speak. Hearing him walk towards me . . towards us. 

"Who is it, Anika? . . " Darren asks. He is now standing right next to me. He outstretches his hand, wanting to shake Michael's, I believe. 

"Hi. I'm Darren . . " He says. 

I look at Darren, wanting to see his genuine expression as another male is standing at my front door. But his eyes are friendly. I then look at Michael. He looks so sad . . are those tears? But Michael doesn't allow them to fall. Oh god. I have really let him down. I didn't know Darren was going to be here, Michael. I promise. 

to be continued.