𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐖𝐞 𝐖𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐔𝐬

Part 33 ~ The Worst

Anika's Point Of View ~

As I walk down the hall towards grandmothers room, the sounds, the smells of this nursing home have now become far too familiar. All staff know me by name as I'm here on the days where I'm not with Michael. 

And that is today. 

He is working, all day once again. But I do make time to visit grandmother with Michael coming along, so what I said before isn't the complete truth. I just . . I had hope. I wanted to find out if she would remember him . . but she didn't. I just wanted to see but grandmother didn't know who he is. I walk into her room. Grandmother isn't here. Instead, she's out in the yard. I put my handbag on the bedside table, taking a seat on the provided chair that has been previously positioned opposite yet another chair. Susan said she wished to speak with me before I was set to see grandmother. Nothing has been said . . but I already know what will be said. No feelings have been felt . . but I already know I'll feel them. My heart pounds, legs crossed, hands in my lap with my thumbs fiddling with one another. 

I hear footsteps. 

With Susan then appearing. A very friendly hello is given to me. I throw one back to her as she walks in the room and towards the chair that is still unoccupied opposite me. The room suddenly becomes dark, in my mind. As I read Susan, it's her body language, her persona that has totally changed. I read these things and that is why everything seems so dim. 

"How are you, Anika? . . " 

Susan asks me. I am so nervous. Anxious. I can just feel like today will be a sad one. Knowing that the high I have been on will suddenly go very low. 

"I'm good, thanks Susan. How are you? . . " 

"Concerned . . " 

She suddenly spits out. I knew it. Something I was expecting but something I was hoping I wouldn't hear. 

"About grandmother? . . " 

I ask but already knowing the answer, so why do I ask? Susan doesn't speak. Her head just nods. I just get right to the point as I know there is no need to waste any time. This conversation has to happen. I let out a deep sigh. 

"How much does she remember? . . " 

Susan takes a deep breath. 

"Your grandmother isn't remembering much of anything. A lot of the staff, she doesn't know who they are. And as for me, she is beginning to forget who I am too . . " 

I know that Susan doesn't like bringing  me the bad news. But it's something I must hear. I knew it was going to happen, sooner or later. I saw it coming. A scratch of my head in a sign that says I am unsure what to do now . . what to even say next. I am left speechless. I speak but it's delayed for a few seconds. A stutter in my voice. 

"I . . I . . umm, okay . . " 

Susan places a hand on top of mine. I look at her to see her lips slightly squeeze together, her face is soft. Her eyes, very empathic. "It's okay, Anika. I know it's hard . . " 

"I knew it was coming. I just- . . wish it was just all in my head . . " 

Susan tells me that despite this, of course, they will continue to look after grandmother. They will continue to keep her here. They don't any reason not to, she tells me. Her forgetting doesn't change anything. And that makes me feel some sort of happiness. But this is still the worst thing. The worst. But I must gather myself, I must. For I want to see grandmother soon. She is outside in the yard. I stand up from the chair, a few deep breathes are taken. I look out the large window that caught my attention in the first place. That lovely view is before me once again. As I look outside. I think of something that will calm me down . . well, someone. 

I think of Michael. 

I wish he was here. 

I know he will say the right things. The softness of his voice, the warmth of his skin, the feeling of his arms around me. He could just smile and I know that everything will be fine. Michael has always had that power. His aroma, it's so strong. So intoxicating. For a human being to posses such a thing is incredible. To have such a presence . . it's indescribable. I hear Susan speak from behind me. My mind comes back down from the clouds, it seems. My eyes focus on her. I can't help but to apologise for my unintentional retreat. She tells me to just take my time, as much as I  need before she walks out of the room to leave me with my thoughts. 

Dangerous. 

I must be strong. For grandmother . . for me. I take a deep breath. I whisper a 'okay' as I believe it will shake any kind of sadness off me. I pick up my handbag as I feel ready to go and see grandmother now. Susan's reassurance coupled with the thought of Michael keeps me focused. I walk out of the room, down the hall to lead me outside. I see grandmother, she's sitting in her wheelchair even though her hip is so close to being back to normal. I have no issue with that, grandmother is happy, comfortable in her wheelchair so I am happy too. As I approach, getting closer and closer, Susan comes up to me. I don't speak . . just giving her a nod. It's a nod that tells her that I am fine. 

"She'll be very pleased to see you, Anika . . " Susan says softly with a smile. 

I sit down next to grandmother. "Oh hello, dear . . " Grandmother exclaims. 

Yet another book is held in grandmothers hands. Her large reading glasses on. I place my hand on top of grandmothers, giving her a smile. But then, I feel a hand on my shoulder. It's Susans. She leans down to whisper in my ear. 

"I'll be right inside if you need me . . " 

Grandmother watches her walk away. 

"She is lovely. But not too sure who she is . . " 

Grandmother says. "Someone to look after you . . " 

I say with only a brief smile. I mentally pick up my heart from the ground. She is fading, more and more. I see grandmother focus back on the book she is still holding. I look around me, it is beautiful out here. The sound of birds, the many colours that the flowers hold. A sense of peace, even. It makes me forget about grandmother and her failing memory . . but only for a second. A sad situation. The worst. But it's nice to get away for a tiny bit. Ugh. This situation. I can't explain what I am feeling. The situation, it's the worst, it knows what it's done to me. My hand still on top of grandmothers. At least she hasn't forgotten me. If that was to happen . . I wouldn't know what to do. Suddenly, grandmother sneezes. A handkerchief is taken out of her pocket. 

"Oh excuse me. I'm sorry about that, Anika . . " 

She is so cute. She doesn't need to be sorry. My eyes remain on grandmother. She blows her runny nose. Her hand then comes up to her forehead. 

"Oh. My head is sore, dear. That sneeze just took it out of me . . " 

Sore? Hmm, maybe it's a headache. A passing headache . . they happen. I hand grandmother a glass of water. Having a sip she does, before I place it back down on the small table. I think it's time for me to leave. Give grandmother some time to lay down. But I'll come back another day, of course. Susan comes down to take grandmother back up to her room. Time for grandmother to rest . . and I'll come back when she is feeling better again. 

to be continued.