𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐖𝐞 𝐖𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐔𝐬

Part 22 ~ Glum

Anika's Point Of View ~ 

"I'm here. I'm here. Just parked. I'm coming into the hospital now . . " 

I tell Lisa on the phone. The doors slide apart for me as they feel that my whereabouts is so close. Upon my entrance, I desperately look around the hospital to see if I can find Lisa myself. My frantic state ceases me from firstly going to the front desk where I will be told instantly which room grandmother is in. It's like the women at the deck can spot my panic as she speaks softly to me. 

"Miss, can I help you? . . " 

I walk over. I am a mess right now. I just want to get to Lisa, to see grandmother. 

"I'm looking for a Dorothy Morgan . . " 

"She is my grandmother . . " 

The women looks at her computer, the sound of her fingers hitting the keyboard is all that is heard. I try to calm myself down. I don't want grandmother to see me so incredibly worked up. 

"Room 210 . . " 

She says. She tells me to take the elevator up to the second floor and then turn right. I am so thankful. I give her my gratitude before I make my way to the elevator closest to me. I hear a voice that makes me look around. Who is that? Have I officially gone insane? I realise that it is Lisa speaking through the phone. Oh god. I didn't even hang up the phone nor did I even ask Lisa herself which room it is. I put the phone to my ear once again just as the elevator dings . . the doors open. I walk in. Number 2 is all I am looking for. 

"Lisa, I'm sorry. I didn't even think. I thought . . ugh, I don't know . . " 

I tell her. My mind is so foggy. 

"Anika. It's okay. I understand . . " 

She can hear the panic in my voice, my whole being. I see as level 2 is now only on the other side of these elevator doors. Our phones hang up now as I have informed Lisa that I am seconds away. The ding chimes once more just before the doors open. I rush out, turning right. Just like I was told. I see Lisa as I travel down the hall. Her arms outstretched on either side of her. I wrap my arms around her. It's a hug that I want to be embraced in for all time. 

"What happened? . . " I ask her. 

"I found her. On the floor. She told me she had fallen and her hip was sore . . " 

"Turns out she has broken her hip, the doctor told me . . " Lisa informs me. 

I feel terrible. I should've been with her. It's a feeling like everything inside you has shut down, feeling like such a bad person. I am full of remorse, so much remorse. I feel blue, so glum. The feeling appears to be endless. I just feel so irresponsible. Why didn't I just go straight home from the airport? I made the wrong choice. But did I? I don't know. I am just angry at myself. I know that much is right. 

"Anika. She didn't remember me . . " 

"Not this time . . " Lisa tells me with a soft voice. 

I put my hands over my face. I know I must do it but I don't wish to. Lisa remains quiet, her features soft and understanding, always. Her hand on my arm. She knows exactly what I'm thinking . . what I already know must be done. She knows I need help, that I can't do it on my own. Not anymore. I try my best to gather myself. Not allowing to show any kind of emotion when I see her. I want to be strong for her . . for me even. These tears threaten to fall but I don't wish to let them. Grandmother would not want me to blame myself. She will tell me to stop that at once. I take a deep breath as Lisa says softly that she'll be right outside the room if I need anything. My hand on the cold door handle, it appears to describe how I'm feeling deep within. A smile to cover up my glum complexion. Grandmother turns her head towards me as she hears the click and slight creak of the door being opened. 

"Oh Anika. Hello dear . . " She says. 

I walk towards her. She sits up slightly but as she does so, her features flash a kind of discomfort, to indicate her sudden pain from her movements. I give her a hug, my smile fading as I know she can't see it anymore. But it returns, as the hug is broken. The true meaning behind the smile isn't in this particular one. It's weak. It's concerned . . it's glum. But grandmother knows. She raised me and she knows me too well. My hand in hers suddenly. 

"Please don't blame yourself, dear . . " 

Grandmother tells me softly. I just nod slightly as I put my head down. I'm left speechless. But my mind is constantly talking, endless thinking. Tears now fall. I wipe them away. I guess I'm hoping if I do so . . no one will see them. I take a deep breath. My eyes looking straight in hers. 

"I need more help looking after you, grandmother . . " 

Her other hand comes over, placing it gently on top of my hand that still sits in hers. Her falls, her memory. She knows. I feel that she does. I feel that grandmother knows what is happening to her. I don't want her to get upset. That is my fear. 

"Do what you need to do, dear . . " She says, with a reassuring tone. 

I sit down beside her bedside. Everything I'm thinking of doing for a next step in getting help is finally revealed. She doesn't get upset, angry . . not even a glimpse of denial from her. She understands. She understand it all. Thank goodness. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Relief . . that is all there is. I walk out of the hospital room while the nurse comes in to check on grandmother. Lisa stands up from her seat as she sees me before her. 

"The nurse is with her. I told grandmother everything . . " 

Lisa doesn't speak. But she gives me a look hoping that I will fill her in. I sit down myself, she sits next to me. I tell her everything. It's best if grandmother is put into a nursing home. It's what is best for her and I will still visit grandmother when I can. But as for me, I won't go back home too soon. I know that when I do . . I must tell Darren. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything. The glum feeling returning, it rushes throughout my body. The guilt of what I have been doing is overwhelming but the feeling I have when I'm with Michael seems to overtake it. I feel Lisa's eyes on me as I have remember Michael and I. Everything about it is wrong. I know I shouldn't but . . I love Michael. He asked me again. And I told him the truth. I do love him. 

I want to be with him. 

"What is it, Anika? . . " Lisa asks me. 

I look at her. How does she do that? She knows something is up. 

"I saw Michael. That is where I went after leaving the airport . . " 

Her eyes wide. Something happened, and something did. But not what she must be thinking. We kissed. But that is all. I nod my head gently as I look at Lisa. I know. I know it's not right. My hands returning to my face. I lean forward in my seat, releasing a deep sigh. When will I tell Darren? How do I say it to him? When? Ugh. This is just too much. But I do. I love Michael. I always did. For the past 10 years, it's like they just . . paused. 

"Have you spoken about that night on the beach? . . " Lisa asks me. 

I shake my head. The memory of it breaks my heart all over again. 

"I don't know how to . . " I tell her softly. 

Her hand on my back. A gentle 'I know' is heard from her lips. It's something I don't wish to ever speak about it again but it's something that I feel I must. Apologise . . explain, again. For the past 10 years, I have thought about it. Moving on but never forgetting. Michael hurt me too. But not in the way I hurt him. I look at Lisa. She tells me it's as if the fire in my eyes has been dowsed with ice water. I cast my eyes on the floor. I feel deep despair. And when despair sets in, you wish so desperately to see the light even though you know that you won't. No matter how much you pray for it. I have wanted to discuss it again with Michael but it's too damn hard. I wanna say it but I'm too damn scared. I don't want to hurt Michael, but protect him. But I must have hope that when I do, Michael won't be upset but at peace. No silence between us. A fresh start but I feel as if I am asking for too much.

to be continued ~