ikigai |billie eilish

twenty six.

"make sure you study tonight" my last block teacher told me as everyone started packing up there stuff to leave for the day.

the bell was going to ring in a few minutes, i have to go get my hoodie from stas then i'm gonna go home. i usually don't talk to her but she ripped her leggings and she didn't have a hoodie to wrap around her waist so she asked me.

billie isn't here today because she just didn't feel like going to school today. i tried to get her to go because i knew my day was gonna be boring if she didn't come, i was right but she still didn't come. i wasn't mad at her though, everyone deserves a mental health day.

the bell rang so i went to go find stas. she came up behind me and got my attention. "hey, here you go" she tapped my shoulder and i turned around.

"are you sure you don't still need it?" i asked, she shook her head. "nah my mom is here so i can go home and change, thank you for letting me use it though" she pulled me into a hug. "it's no problem" i brushed it off. she told me she had to go so we said our byes.

i went to the place billie usually picks me up from but she wasn't here yet. i thought it was pretty weird because she the days she doesn't come to school, she's here to pick me up like 10 minutes before the bell rings.

i didn't think anything of it because people run late all the time.

i went on my phone for a moment but about ten minutes past so i called her because i was getting a little suspicious.

she didn't answer so i texted her "where are you" like 5 minutes pasted and pretty much no one was here.

i heard someone come out the school behind me so i turned around and saw jake, he had his eyes set on me and he was walking towards me. usually there is security guards but since there's hardly anyone else here they left.

i clenched my jaw as i started walking away so he wouldn't come near me. "stop!" he yelled and for some reason i listened to him.

after about 15 seconds he reached me, "hi eliana" he moved the hair off my forehead. i gulped nervously "please leave me alone" i managed to get out.

he just chuckled at me "why" he gave me a confused look with a evil smile on his face. he knows what he's doing.

"jake" i gave him a scared mixed with sad look. "don't be scared" he put his hand under my chin. "stop" tears fell from my eyes but he didn't care. "my dad misses you" i let out a soft sob once i heard that. "i miss you too, i've always thought you were pretty"

"why did you have to fuck it up" i shook my head then looked down at ground. i saw tears fall from my face and onto the ground. he put his hand on my hip, i tried to walk away but he pulled my arm so i couldn't go.

he dragged his hand lower "i'm sorry, but please don't hurt me" he laughed again. "you're so pathetic" he gave me another look then just walked away.

what was the point of that? that didn't do anything for me or him. it only made me feel like shit.

i tried calling billie two more times but there was no answer. i let out another sob once i figured she wasn't gonna answer me. i still texted her a couple times.

me
billie please answer me
i need you
delivered

i gave up then started to walk home. i was still crying but it wasn't as bad. it was still pretty hard though. i calmed myself down on the walk home because i didn't wanna go home and have my parents notice i was crying.

before i went inside i checked pulled my camera out, i checked my eyes to see if was anyone would be able to see that i was crying.

it's a good thing that i didn't wear makeup today because of i didn't then it definitely would have been noticeable.

i made my way inside then went straight to my room. i don't wanna talk to anyone, i wanna be alone.

i wanna know why billie isn't answering me. we've been so good, we haven't argued or anything so i don't know what i did.

i was literally talking to her this morning. we were talking about how we she wasn't going to school but she was still gonna pick me up and she told me to have a good day. but i told her i had to go because my teacher told me to put my phone away.

i miss her. i haven't seen her since yesterday but im used to seeing her everyday. and usually when i'm upset i go to her, she knows how to make me feel better. she always makes me safe.

i really need her right now and she isn't answering me. i felt tears roll down my cheeks, i wiped them "fuck" i whispered.

i tried my best to think about other stuff but it wasn't working. i didn't want cry anymore, not just right now. but forever, i've cried so much and i'm so tired of it.

i thought i was getting better but this is the second time jake has came up to me. i don't know why he's bothering me, he's not grtting anything from it.

maybe he likes to see me upset, maybe it's like a game for him. i don't know how someone came be that mean. why would he say that about his dad when he knew what he did to me. fuck.

i wiped my tears again then pulled out my phone. i checked the time, it was 3:00 so i knew leo was home so i decided to facetime him.

i went to my desk then propped it up so he would see my face. "hey dude- yo what's wrong" he gave me his full attention.

"so.."