Oneshots 👹

Nigel's Outburst at the Store (🍁)

"Nigelllleuhghh," Portia said, frustrated with her boyfriend. They were trying to cook linguine for Nick and Bea but they were failing bc NIGEL couldn't stop texting someone. "How do you even have a cell phone if we're from the 1590s," she asked him.

Nigel looked up. "Sorry, I couldn't hear you, I was texting on my cell phone."

"Who even are you texting?"

Nigel threw his phone in the oven and baked it at 450º. "NO ONEM," he panicked.

The truth was, he was texting Nick. What Portia didn't know was that Nick and Bea weren't coming to dinner that night. It was just going to be Ngel and Portia alone, and he was going to pop the question. Also, he was going to ask her to marry him.

Nigel's phone dinged from the oven. It was a text from Nick, reading, do you have the ring already? He never got an answer, though, because Nigel was focused on his angry gf. He didn't already have the ring, and he was worried he wouldn't get the chance to go pick it up before dinner.

"Just once I'd like you to pay a little more attention to what you're doing," Portia said with a frown. She turned back to the linguine on the stove and Nigel bolted out the door.

He rode to the jewelry store on his bike and parked in front. There was a long line-up for some reason and Nigel was dejected. He wasn't going to get back in time at all. He climbed off his bike and fell to the concrete sobbing softly. That's when Mendel Weisenbachfeld walked by even though he was supposed to be all the way in the 1980s. "Hey, Nigel. Why are you so sad?"

Nigel clung to him, crying. "I wanted to propose to my gf tonight but I dont have a ring 🥺"

"I proposed to my girlfriend once," Mendel said, remembering that happy day. He wasn't any help so Nigel got up and ran away.

Meanwhile, Portia had just noticed her boyfriend wasn't even in the house and she was starting to fume. Only Nigel knew the recipe for the linguine and now he wasn't even here. She was going to have to improvise. So she took the cooked linguine and put it in the oven to cook it more. Then she remembered Nigel's phone was in there and she pulled it out. It was singed.

Nick was texting him furiously, panicking after Nigel had failed to respond to his last message. Nigel? Are you there?! Did u propose yet did she say yes? NIGEL1!!1 ANSWER ME 😢 😢 B IGEL

Portia read through the thousands of messages with a shocked look on her face. This was why Nigel had been so distracted lately. It wasn't because he was a bad bf. It was because... he wanted to propose.

However, she was still mad at him. She threw his phone in with the linguine and went to go look for him.

Nick and Bea were hiding in the sewers so that Portia wouldn't find them when she wondered why they weren't at dinner. Nick was still texting Nigel's burnt phone and becoming increasingly worried.

"Do you think he died?" he asked his wife.

"No Nigel wouldn't do that," she replied. "Here. Let me call him."

The phone rang and rang in the linguine, but no one was home to answer it.

Nigel, in the meantime, was tearing through the line of people at the jewelry store. He bumped into Paulette and Kyle, who were with their three kids. He pushed past Michael Mell who was listening to In Trousers through his headphones. Finally he got to the counter and was shocked to see that Shakesdaddy was behind it.

"Shakesdaddy pls I need a ring," Nigel said, his orbs glistening with tears.

"No."

"THIS ISNOT A JOKE WILL. I'M PROPOSING TO MY GIRLFRIEND TONIGHT. GIVE ME A RING."

"I don't want to," said Shakespeare casually. "Why should I give you a ring?"

"Bc I need it."

"No."

Nigel stood up to his bully with fiery eyes. He jumped up on the counter and glared at Shakespeare. "Listen here. I did not ride my bike all the way here and then cry on the sidewalk to Mendel Weisenbachfeld for nothing. Now you are going to give me a ring for my beautiful girlfriend, because I love her, and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I'm not going to let you or anyone else get in the way of that!"

Portia, who had come into the store only seconds beforehand, gasped when she heard Nigel stand up to Shakesdaddy. "Nigel!" she called. "I love you too!"

"ₚₒᵣₜᵢₐ?!" squeaked Nigel as he fell off the counter. Shakespeare, with a scowl on his face, took a ring from behind the counter and threw it at him. Nigel caught it gracefully from the floor.

Portia ran to him. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you... even if that means burning ur phone and the linguine when we cook dinner."

"So then will you marry me?" Nigel held out the ring to her.

"Yes!"

She got down on the floor to kiss him as the line moved forward and people began to trample them. Michael Mell stepped on the ring in the chaos, breaking it, but the newly engaged couple didn't care, because nothing could ever break their bond.

Two hours later, Nick and Bea were still in the sewers. Nick kept texting Nigel asking if it was safe to go back home but, since Nigel's phone had now been burnt to a crisp when Portia left the oven on, there was no reply. And so they lived happily ever after in the sewers, until nine months later when Nigel slipped a wedding invitation through the sewer grate and they knew it was finally safe to come out.