Therapy

Part 3

Possible Trigger Warnings: Panic attacks and anxiety.  

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"So how have things been going this week?" Dr. Lewis asked, sitting down at Maya's desk, earlier this week because Maya realized she needed more than 5 minutes to get ready for work after therapy.

"Remember when I said I think about dying?" Maya asked, looking at her therapist.

"I do," Dr. Lewis said, notebook already out.

"Well, it doesn't work anymore," Maya sighed with frustration, tears pricking the corners of her eyes, "When I think about dying, it just makes me more anxious and I haven't been able to fall asleep this whole week and Carina has been working a lot this week and my team almost got hurt in one of our calls and every shift we have been out on calls all night and I haven't been sleeping well at home and I don't know what to do and I'm exhausted."

"Why doesn't it work anymore?" Dr. Lewis asked, "When you think about it now, how does it make you feel?"

"It makes me feel more anxious," Maya said sighing, "I think about dying and leaving Carina and it makes me feel like I can't breathe."

"And why do you think that is?" Dr. Lewis asked.

"I don't know," Maya said, shrugging her shoulders.

"When did it stop being comforting and start being anxiety inducing?" Dr. Lewis asked.

"I don't know," Maya said, running her hands through her short hair, "Recently. Around the time Carina and I got back together maybe. I don't know. I had a hard time sleeping around that time because of everything that happened and then since then, thinking about dying hasn't been comforting."

"Do you think it might have to do with Carina?" Dr. Lewis asked.

"Maybe," Maya said, thinking, "I guess."

"Remember when you told me the only person who ever told you they loved you was your brother until Carina?" Dr. Lewis said.

"Yeah," Maya said, nodding as she wiped at tears she wasn't even sure why they were falling.

"Well, do you think it's possible that because you have someone you love and who loves you that dying is something that is less comforting?" Dr. Lewis said, "That having something that takes your eyes off of forward and onto something in the present makes the end seem less desirable."

Maya nodded slowly, looking like she had been hit by a ton of bricks.

"But now what am I supposed to do?" Maya asked, "I need to sleep and I can't calm down enough to sleep. I have barely slept in over a week."

As Maya was talking, she got up and starting pacing, feeling panic fill her body.

"Ok," Dr. Lewis said, standing up, "Maya, take a deep breath. We are going to work through this and you are going to sleep."

Maya kept pacing, clearly struggling to breath.

"Maya," Dr. Lewis said, "You are having a panic attack. Let's sit down. You're going to be fine."

Maya nodded, following Dr. Lewis to the chairs. The therapist guided her through a breathing technique to calm her down.

"Have you ever had a panic attack before?" Dr. Lewis asked once Maya was calmed down.

"The first time was right after Rigo died," Maya said, feeling her body shaking a little bit, "But since then they happen like once a week, sometimes more when it's been a bad week. This is the third one I've had this week."