Therapy

Part 21

Major Trigger Warning: Descriptions of Self-Harm.  If this is trigger to you, please do not read this chapter.  Also, the standard trigger warning: Anxiety, depression, minor talk about suicidal thoughts. 

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The next couple of weeks were crazy busy for both of them, meaning they barely had time to see each other. This normally was annoying to both of them, but this time, a lot happened that made it about 100x worse for Maya.

For starters, people from both B and C shifts started getting sick, but of course, they couldn't have gotten the same illnesses so B shift was passing around a stomach thing and C shift was passing strep meaning that there were firefighters from other shifts subbing in which was in turn exposing them to the illnesses so it was basically a giant juggling act for Maya trying to make sure all her shifts had enough people.

Because of this, she was working more which also meant she did something she had told herself she wouldn't. She skipped her session with Dr. Lewis not once, not twice, but three weeks in a row. She had every intention of going back, but she just didn't have time with trying to run her station and still get at least a little bit of sleep.

This all would have been enough to make Maya feel like she was drowning, but of course, the universe loved to throw things at her when she was struggling. Her mom had started calling and texting her at least once a day, if not more, just telling her about what was going on with the divorce and other things which was overwhelming the younger blonde, but she felt like she needed to be there for her mom.

All of this made Maya feel extremely out of control and like she was being held underwater.

Typically, Vic would have caught on that something was not right with her roommate, but she was out of town for two weeks with her theater friends from college on some trip to New York that they had been planning for over three years.

Carina hadn't been spending any nights with Maya because she was also working a lot and mostly overnight, meaning she was sleeping during the days and not available to talk.

About a week and a half into this insanity, Maya was so so beyond overwhelmed. She had had to call in three subs mid-shift because she had firefighters getting sick at work. She got all these subs while texting with her mom who was asking if she could talk to her lawyer to help her with the divorce case which Maya had stupidly agreed to the week before.

The blonde felt like everything in her life was spinning out of her control and nothing she was doing was helping any of it. She hadn't really been eating much, but that wasn't helping like it usually did to make her feel more in control because all she kept thinking was that everyone would be so disappointed in her.

She would lay in bed at night, her mind spinning about everything and nothing all at once. She just needed to feel something besides overwhelmed and out of control and numb and she needed the overwhelmed feeling to stop and to feel something besides what she was feeling. She had tried running and working out extra, but it just wasn't enough.

She felt numb to everything and absolutely exhausted all the damn time.

As she sat on the floor of the shower one day, too overwhelmed and exhausted to stand, she looked up and saw her razor she used for shaving her legs sitting there and suddenly all she could think was that it would feel like to have the blade of that razor on her skin. She knew she shouldn't and that she could get hurt, but she needed to feel something and feel control over her life and just have some way to get how she was feeling out.

She reached up, grabbing the razor and playing with it in her hand, staring at the blade. She pressed her finger to it, making a small cut on her fingertip that started bleeding a little. It hurt, but something about it made her want to do it again. She pressed it a little harder to the same finger, just letting herself feel the small amount of pain this cut caused. She stared at her finger, just watching the small amount of blood run down her finger, hand, and arm.