Therapy

Part 20

Trigger Warnings: Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts

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It was about two weeks after Maya opened up to Carina about Mason, and while the blonde was still not quite ready to actively try to find her little brother just yet, she had written the letter Dr. Lewis asked and had taken to carrying a copy of it with her when she was at work or on a run just in case. She would keep it in a zip lock bag in the pocket of her uniform or her running leggings that way if she ran into Mason, she could give it to him.

She was doing pretty well, her new dose of meds helping her panic attacks more to the point that she hadn't had one in a week, a new record since her diagnosis. It made Carina so happy to see how well Maya was doing.

However, today, was not going well for Carina. She knew Maya was supposed to be off, and yet she had not texted her or called or answered any of Carina's call or texts. It wasn't like they had made definite plans, but when their days off lined up perfectly, they usually did something together.

Carina had been hoping maybe Maya would finally be feeling up to going out, maybe to a restaurant or something. Going out had been so overwhelming to Maya between having to choose food that she wasn't in control of, the amount of people, and sometimes just the act of leaving the house, that they had just stuck to dates at home, switching between Carina's place and Maya's. They would cook dinner or watch movies or play games or just cuddle in bed and talk. It had been nice, but Maya had been talking about going out for real, and Carina was excited about mixing it up a little bit.

All that excitement was pretty much gone, though, because she was worried about her girlfriend. She knew Maya had been doing better, but she also knew mental illness was tricky and cruel and could change quickly. She decided that if Maya didn't answer her in the next hour, she was going to go over to her place.

She had almost texted Vic, but then she remembered the younger woman was on a weekend camping trip with Travis. She had texted Andrea, asking him if Maya was at the hospital or if he had heard from her, but he wasn't answering her either, though that was normal, especially because she had no idea if he was working today.

She decided to keep herself busy by cleaning her desk which had gotten to be a bit of a mess as she had been spending more evenings with Maya and had less time to clean.

As she was shuffling papers around on her desk, something fell to the floor. It wasn't a piece of paperwork, but rather a sheet of notebook paper. She bent down, picking it up when she realized what it was. She had honestly thought she had gotten rid of this piece of paper weeks ago, but apparently she had just tucked it away. She looked down at the small print that she had becoming so familiar with in the past several months, feeling tears welling up in her eyes as she read the suicide note her girlfriend had written a few months ago.

Carina had only read it once, the day she found it on the dresser, and a lot of things from that day had started to fade. However, reading the words her girlfriend had written and meant as a goodbye forever made every single thing she felt that day come rushing back all at once.

Even on that day, she hadn't really read the whole note, but now, she found herself sitting down on the edge of her bed, eyes glued to the piece of paper.

Dear Carina,

I love you. I promise you I do, but I don't want to be a burden on you anymore. I am so tired and so scared that this is how things are going to be forever, and I just can't do this anymore. This has nothing to do with you. I love you more than I have words for, but because I love you, I don't want to keep dragging you through this. You deserve to be happy and to have someone who loves you as much as you deserve to be loved, and I don't think I will ever be able to do that for you. Please don't be mad at me, and promise me you will find someone who can love you and be the kind of woman you need and deserve. I just need this all to stop, and as far as I can tell, there is no way it ever will unless I do this. I'm sorry. I love you so much.